Coven of The Rose
by CRose
Summary: Harry's escaped from Azkaban and wants Revenge! Now this isn't your normal everyday kind of revenge, Harry is a second generation Marauder with a bone to pick with just about everyone that thinks they can just discard him like a worn out shoe
1. The Convient Hidding Place oo Revised

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRLS TO SPONTANIOUSLY CUMBUST. 

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore. I'm not to sure what all I'll do with story, right now I'm just writing it for fun and to get my mind off of my other fic for a while.

REVISION NOTE: 10-11-06 Added about a third of a page to correct the timeline screw up that pops up in later chapters. This story takes place two years after the end of fifth year.

oooooooooo   
Coven of the Rose   
Chapter 00   
By CRose   
© 2006   
oooooooooo

Groaning in pain, Harry Potter lay in his cell at Azkaban and tried to breathe as his thoughts struggled to move about his mind. He couldn't really recall just how long it had been since he was dragged here. If the visits by various people were anything to go by, then it was just over two years.

He didn't really care anymore. Every now and then he would find himself wondering just what he did to make people even think he could kill someone, but he realized that people judged others by their own point of view. This meant that they themselves unconsciously thought if they could murder, then he could as well.

Long nights at the Dursley's had taught him a lot of life lessons like that. Like, he's a freak, don't show him kindness. Or, if you tell people about this, then you will be thrown in an orphanage and forgotten about, abused worse than ever.

Harry had really wondered Vernon came up with that kind of crap, but eventually shrugged it off. Star Wars had shown him that fear led to hate, and from hate came violence. Of course he could have that wrong, Dudley had fallen asleep on the couch trying to watch all nine hours of it at once. Harry had watched from his hiding place behind the couch and missed some of the speeches.

He giggled a little; his thoughts were a bit random. Then a Dementor glided past the cell and Harry was treated to the sounds of his parents being killed, dark laughter, and everybody he knew turning their backs on him. Then the day that got him into this mess flashed in front of his eyes, Cedric dying, the connected wands, phantoms of dead people, and his daring escape.

With Cedric Diggory's dead body. Those articles from Rita Skitter were the primary cause of his arrest. People knew that the Daily Prophet lied about a lot of things, but somehow those lies became truth when it applied to him. What was even funnier was that when the Prophet said he brought the body back to gloat about it, everyone believed it. The Golden Boy had turned. Logic and Magic never did work very well together.

Of course it took them a whole year to write this fiction up, oh yes, they couldn't do it the night he survived the Dark Tonker's resurrection, that would be wrong. No, they wait till a week after his godfather is dead and he's laying in bed at Dursley Regional Prison Facility. His door locked, his windows barred again, and rancid half rotten food pushed through the flap installed on the bottom of the door. He could still see the satisfaction of the Aurors as they blasted the door off it's hinges and fired about fifty curses and hexes at him.

All in the name of a prisoner attempting to escape, of course. They even said so at his trial. Harry giggled again, rather high pitched and with an annoying quality about it. Several of the prisoners yelled for him to shut up, but Harry didn't really hear them. His parents were being murdered again. The Dementors made sure of that too.

Maybe someone would save them this time? He wasn't as horrified by the visions as he used to be, even seeing and hearing them being murdered didn't cause him problems. He had seen it thousands of times and he was right bored with it and wanted Dudley to change the ruddy channel. Even the Smurfs and Gargamel would be a welcome change.

He yawned as Voldemort laughed manically and thought the man was really over acting his part. It suddenly occurred to Harry that he wasn't wailing in grief anymore. Or completely catatonic from reliving his worst nightmares. That's why he lay there on the floor blinking for a couple of hours trying to figure out why.

Perhaps his body was trying to tell him it was time for his weekly bowel movement?

Sometime during that time he slept, but he really didn't pay any attention to that. When he woke up he took a deep breath and sat up slowly. Looking around the tiny cell and dragged himself over to the wall. He noticed that his clothing, what was left of his Hogwarts robes, were in rather bad shape. Of course he hadn't taken a bath in two years, prisoners had no rights once they entered Azkaban, so no one bothered.

The smell, oh god smell! Hobo's called it the stale cheese smell and claimed it proved you were still alive.

He giggled again, people yelled, and he told them to go bugger themselves. He even included lurid description on how to do it and a way to make the equipment the proper size. It was dead quiet after that and Harry grinned. He knew he wasn't quite the person he had been when they brought him here. Sometimes lessons were hard to learn, but the Wizarding world made sure he wouldn't ever forget this lesson.

Good deeds brought pain. Rescuing people only brought ridicule, hate, and useless gratitude from the very people you tried to help. Yes, that seemed right. His ability to trust was gone he realized. Friends betrayed you when it was convenient, yes. Promises were just bluffs until it was no longer useful, then written off as a waste of time.

He nodded to himself. It made perfect sense. Now he only had one question he had to ask himself. Why did he have a migraine? Opening his eyes he looked around and gasped. He seemed to be sitting in an endless dark void of some kind. Way off in the distance was a barely noticeable light.

Glancing around, he sensed something coming and turned just to see the darkness fold in on itself and a man in dark gray robes suddenly stood in front of him. He had long dark grey hair, wrinkled face, and using a staff to walk. Harry noted the horned skull on top of the staff and it reminded him of the last time he saw Mrs. Weasley.

"Hello boy."

"Yo."

"You, of course, know who I am?"

"Not a fucken clue."

The old man bonked him over the head with the staff. "I am…"

"Gandolf the Grey?"

"No."

"Merlin?"

"No."

Harry frowned. "I'm running out of names of old geezers here."

Bonk!

"Ow!"

"I'm, Agrippa!"

Harry stared at him blankly. "Yeah right."

The old man grumbled and coughed. "Nicolas Flamel, or his astral projection anyway."

"Now that I can believe. I knew I was forgetting some old geezer. Aren't you dead?"

"I'm over six hundred years old, do you think losing one little stone would be enough to make me give up on life?"

Harry shrugged. "Knowing the world of magic? Hell yeah, blasted sheep waiting for someone to tell them what to do."

"True enough." The old man nodded.

"So you're dead?" Harry insisted.

Bonk! "Now do you know the prophecy?"

"That other white haired geezer might have mentioned something about it. I think."

"Syble Trellaway…"

Harry fell over laughing.

The old man glared at him. "The woman is a seer."

Harry just laughed harder. "The woman is a complete fraud!"

"The Trellaway family has produced some of the finest seers…will you stop laughing!"

"S-stop making up jokes!"

Bonk!

"Ow."

Flamel nodded as if he just solved a problem. "Now listen, the woman is a bit scatter brained, but she is a seer. She just…"

"Sucks."

"Whatever, now she gave a prophesy just before you were born. She gave it to Albus during her interview actually."

"What did it say?"

"Basically, and I don't know the exact wording, that someone would be born that could kill Voldemort and that they would be born at the end of July."

Harry shrugged. "The poor bugger."

"Albus thinks it's you."

Now Harry snorted. "Yeah right, I'm famous for something I barely remember unless a dementor is around. I probably shit my nappy and screamed for a couple of hours till my Aunt Petunia kicked me unconscious."

"You were cleaned up before you arrived at your Aunts house. Now, while that was going on, you had a major bout of accidental magic and leveled half your house."

"Ah…really?"

"Really." Flamel confirmed. "This wasn't a good thing, but it proved that you did confirm for Albus that you were the one that would defeat Voldemort. He didn't think a rebound killing curse would be enough to stop the old boy, so he set up the wards at your Aunt's place to keep you safe from Voldemort until you were old enough to come to Hogwarts."

"Where he didn't even bother to train me."

Bonk!

"Ow!"

"Foolish boy, an adolescent can't be trained to use their magic till they are at least ten years old. That's when your magic core begins to stabilize enough for you to use it properly."

"I know that, but he could have trained me during the summers."

"Albus wanted you to have a childhood."

"Right, being beat up, starved, and worked to death sure preserved my childhood didn't it?"

"Albus has his blind spots."

"Feh." Harry huffed.

"Now, remember that I mentioned your magic? Albus blocked it with a spell that is used on a lot of children if they cause too much damage. It wears off sometime during your sixteenth year."

"So?"

"Your block unlocked itself yesterday."

Harry blinked. "So the reason the dementors are…"

"Wasting their time, is because your magic is fighting against the wards of Azkaban that are sapping your magic."

"…okay…"

"It's going to take you a few days for your magic to settle down, but during that time, if you wanted to escape…"

Harry grinned and blinked as he found himself in his cell again. He glanced at his hand and focused. Red energy began to crackle around his fingertips and he started to laugh as he felt his magic core surge. Before Azkaban his well had been kind of big, about the size of a pond, but now it felt almost endless. He stood up let the magic fill his body.

Giggling, Harry threw his hand out and the back wall of his cell exploded outward. The fact that he had his hand pointed at the door of his cell confused him for a few seconds before shrugging and turning around. He poked his head out the hole and looked out over Azkaban Island.

"How convenient, they have me on the first floor." Harry chuckled as he stepped out on the ground outside his cell. No wonder he hadn't been given a window in his cell. It was dark outside so he wasn't too worried about people seeing him leave, but someone had to have heard the noise.

He started jogging; working his muscles with magic, otherwise he would have had trouble keeping up a slow walk. Azkaban Island was a lot bigger than people thought it was. The actual castle was situated on the side of a mountain. Nearly twenty miles from the edge of the island and surrounded by black rock with no vegetation.

The dementors that populated the island weren't exactly good for flora and fauna, so nothing lived on the island. Which was part of why they guarded the worst prisoners. One can't have anyone actually having fun in prison after all. It took several hours, but Harry reached one of the beaches around the island.

Even the sand on the island was black. As fascinating as that was; Harry really didn't pay to much attention to it. He just wanted to make it out of the anti-apparition field around the island, which reached across the waters to the beach on the land on the others side. Harry could hear Hermione in his head telling him in her rather bossy voice that Azkaban had some of the most complex wards on the planet, except for Hogwarts.

His eyes gleamed a little as he placed his foot on the water and stood on the surface. Once he got used to the pitch and roll of the waters he slowly started to walk across the water and to the land on the other side. It would be daylight before he reached the other side, but by then it would be to late for them to recapture him.

Giggling, he adjusted his focus as an idea surfaced and for the next several hours, he skated across the water at a slight angle. After all he didn't want them to think he would just go straight to the other side. A burst of water off to the side caught his attention and he spotted several Dolphins playing around in the water around him.

Laughing, he skated around, over and around them for the next hour or so. Surprisingly his energy reserves, though low, would hold out for a while yet. The Dolphins seemed to have fun flipping over him every now and then. His eyes twinkled brightly as he watched.

Eventually though the dolphins swam off as he neared land. The first thing he saw was a green haze, but that quickly turned into trees. He looked over the area he was making for and didn't spot anyone that could rat him out and made landfall at just around two in the afternoon.

He checked his magic and found that he didn't have too much left. Shrugging it off, he stalked up the small rocky beach and into the trees before anyone could spot him. Looking ahead had never been one of Harry's abilities so he wasn't sure where to go from here, but he wasn't helpless either.

Those in the magical world were Muggle ignorant, even a good number of the Muggle born students stopped paying attention to the muggle world. Harry wondered if it was some kind of peer pressure, as one of his early schoolteachers had taught him?

Nodding to himself, he glanced around and figured he would need to find a place to rest for a day or two so he could recover. They wouldn't expect him to stay in one place after escaping. Smirking just like Snape about to insult a Gryffindor, Harry considered the problem and came up with several quick ideas.

His first action would be rest, even if he had to dig a hole and sleep under the never-ending layer of leaves all around him. Once the aurors got wind of his escape they would cast some spells to track him, but those were easy to evade. After spending several months preparing for the Tri-Wizard Tournament, Harry knew all kinds of spells.

Even Hermione wasn't aware of just how many he had studied up for the tournament. He remembered the scene well. "Why yes Professor Dumbledore, I'm only a fourth year after all, so I need access to the restricted section if I'm going to be able to compete at all."

He giggled, scaring a couple of birds into flight. At first he hadn't really seen why some books were in that particular part of the library, but after several nights of study he realized that a good portion of the books were about dangerous magic, like those little rituals he did. Those came in so handy.

After that his abilities had skyrocketed, but luckily he was a good actor after surviving ten years with the Dursleys abuse. One learns how to lie with a straight face in that household. None ever considered that when they found out about his childhood.

Oh no, he was abused. He must be and idiot! Boo Hoo. He wiped a fake tear away and smirked a little more. Then if that wasn't bad enough, he learned just how much Ron's friendship really meant. Not very much, even in the end Harry noticed that Ron hadn't really wanted to apologize for his actions during the year.

Typical pureblood idiot. Harry really wondered if everyone in the wizarding world would ever take responsibility for their actions. He really doubted it and figured hell would freeze over before any of them even tried to learn the truth about anything. Read the paper, it never lies.

"Pathetic worms." He hissed out in parsletounge.

"A ssspeaker!" Hissed several voices.

Harry stopped moving and looked around to see half a dozen snake heads sticking out of a nearby bush. A few in the center, a couple at the bottom, and one from the side. They were various sizes and he had no clue what kind they were. "Hello." He hisses.

"Masster." They chorus.

"None of that Master crap, call me Harry."

They slither out of the bush and make their way over to him. They were beautiful snakes, though he wasn't sure what the red and yellow bands meant. "Hello Harry."

"So what are you doing around here? I figured the dementors would have run off all the wildlife around here."

"Dementorss are far away."

Harry nodded as he knelt down and scratched one of them under its chin. For some reason he expected its tail to start thumping on the ground, but was disappointed when it didn't. The snake giggled instead, a sound that couldn't even be translated into parsletounge.

Grinning a little, he stood back up and looked around. "Would any of you know of a nearby cave where I can spend the night without anyone finding me."

"Big cave is nearby, but hidden by trees and leaves." A shy snake answered, and then hid behind one of the larger ones.

"Could one of you show me, I need a couple days of rest before I move on."

The snakes nodded and started slithering through the leaves. They actually moved faster than Harry expected and he struggled to keep up. He was just glad the leaves moved as the snakes went under them. Several minutes later, after about half a mile, Harry entered a small clearing almost completely obscured by trees.

"This place." A snake said.

Harry glanced around. "I don't see it?"

The shy one's tail lifted up and pointed at a pair of large trees almost over taken by a large bush. "Behind there, Harry."

He made his way over and poked around a little. At first he didn't see it, but then he realized that he was looking a large pile of leaves. He wiggled around the bush and dug through about three feet of leaves and found a hole leading into the ground just big enough for him to crawl into.

"Looks a little cramped for me."

"Getss lotss bigger on insside."

Shrugging, Harry plowed his way inside and felt something give eventually and he found himself sliding forward. Several feet later he tumbled into a bit and landed with a grunt. Groaning, he sat up just as the six snakes entered the hole, falling lightly to the floor.

"Wee wee!"

Sighing, Harry turned around and looked over the cave. To his surprise he found himself looking at a furnished room. To the back was a small ratty cot, a broken desk with a dirt covered mirror, small table, and a couple of old chairs. It kind of reminded him of his room at the Dursleys.

"Well I'll be damned." He muttered. "This is a great place to hide, but what is all this stuff?"

"Ussed to belong to an old wizard, but he left a long time ago. According to great great grandma."

"Do you know where he went?"

"He laid down for several days, then started to shrivel up, then bugs come and fill cave for weeks. Bones of wizard eventually turned to dust and after that he vanished for good."

Harry choked. "So, he died."

"He went away."

"Died."

"He might come back, you never know."

"Uh, right."

One of the snakes pointed with its tail. "Next room through there."

"That's a wall."

"Fake wall." The snake said, and then to prove it, slithered through the wall.

Harry blinked. "Oh, an illusion."

"Fake wall, no need for complicated names."

Harry stepped through the wall just like he would have the entrance at Kings Cross. He was only a little surprised to find that the area beyond the cave was actually more civilized. Several torches were already lighting up as he stood there.

He was standing in an archway that led deeper into the hill behind the trees. His magic senses were telling him to be cautious as he explored. Danger seemed to permeate the very air. The snakes themselves were making their way down the short hallway. They entered another hidden door.

It only took him a second catch up and he was amazed at what he found on the other side. He'd never seen one before, but it was quite obviously a master bathroom. The floor was tiled, the walls mirrored, and polished slate covered everything else. At the back of the room a large basin bubbled with hot water.

The snakes were swimming around in the water happily. Smirking, he found a very old looking hamper. He hadn't seen anything like this since he visited the Weasleys several years before the great betrayal. He stripped his clothes off and tossed the ratty looking things in the hamper.

Then pulled a fluffy red towel off a nearby bench and made his way over to the basin. He climbed in and sighed loudly as he felt the dirt and grime being removed from his skin. Whole sections seemed to be flaking off and floating in the water.

The tub kept the water clean and hot though, so the dirt quickly vanished. He ducked down below the water and let the water soak his hair and washed it as best he could. He hadn't spotted any shampoo, but he wanted to get his hair as clean as possible.

He wasn't surprised to find that his hair was matted to his head and it took him nearly an hour and dozens of dunkings to get it to the point where it he could brush it again. It came as quite a shock to find that his pure black hair now had streaks of grey in it as it streamed down his back.

The snakes just continued to swim around the other end of the large tub, enjoying the hot water. They didn't seem to mind that his hair was the wrong color. Then again, they were only snakes.

It was hard to tell where the grey came from and chalked it up to two years of mental torture with the dementors as well as his growing magic power. As he stood up he saw a mirror swinging open and a couple of hairbrushes flying out. They instantly took to combing his hair.

At the same time a warm breeze filled the bathroom to help dry him off faster. The place amazed him and he really wondered just who created it. This couldn't be the only room though. He was willing to bet that there was going to be a kitchen around somewhere and with any luck, a library.

That would help him date the place. He finished drying off with the towel and moved over to the hamper. His robes were cleaned, pressed, and all the rips and tears fixed. The snakes, which had continued to swim with him in the bath, finally got out and slithered across the floor.

He was starting to wonder about the snakes. They didn't act like the others he'd met over the years. Well, other than that Boa Constrictor from the zoo. He shrugged his suspicions off as he finished dressing and glanced down at the Hogwarts symbol on the robes.

Reaching up, he ripped it off the robe and stuffed in one of his pockets. He glanced at the snakes. "Where are you going?"

"More rooms to show, Masster."

"Now, now, call me Harry. None of this Master crap."

The snake nodded. "Follow."

Harry noticed at he exited the bathroom that he could see the archway now and the spot where he entered. At the same times the snakes made their way about ten feet down the hallway and entered another room. This room was a den and library combined into one.

The biggest difference was that the room was domed, as it was half a sphere. Off to the left was a fireplace, comfy looking chair, and a small table. Set in the middle of the room was a small dais. Upon this stood a small podium of some kind with a large closed book sitting under a blue barrier of light. The walls were covered in books, nearly to the ceiling.

He figured there had to be about three thousand books in the room. "What is this place?"

"Bookss."

"Yeah, but what kind of person used to live here? This place is amazing."

"Old wizard." The snakes hissed.

Harry shook his head and stepped out of the room. Once more he was able to see the entrance. He felt like he was being tested by some kind of force, but he couldn't really focus on it. "How many more rooms?"

"Three M…Harry."

The hallway started to circle around after that. Door three was about twenty feet down and turned out to be the kitchen. Like the bathroom, it seemed to have quite a few oddities. One wall was covered in cookbooks. Whoever this old man guy was, he knew how to live well.

It only took him a few seconds to spot the cooler and pantry; both were full of preserved food. He stared at enough food to feed five hundred people, eyes wide, and his stomach growled at him.

"Good idea."

He took several minutes to make a large sandwich. The snakes sat in the corner and looked rather sick as he ate and downed several glasses of water. His body thanked him for the food by giving him a stomachache. As he stood up from the table he belched.

"Much better, now, on with the fun."

From there Harry checked out the next room, which turned out to be a small potions lab. He took several minutes to examine the large island in the middle of the room. It had several different cauldrons hanging from the ceiling above it. The room was like a one giant storage space.

The cupboards were full of preserved potions ingredients. Except for one section near the back where the spell had failed and several items had expired or turned to dust. He would have to come back and clean the cabinet out at some point.

"Any other rooms?"

One of the snakes nodded while the others shook their heads. They started arguing with each other, hissing so fast that Harry had trouble following the conversation, but eventually the one that nodded looked back at Harry. "Follow me."

Harry nodded and followed the snakes out of the room. It moved down the hall, almost to the end. "Here is room."

Glancing at the wall, Harry stepped forward and ran right into the wall. He grabbed his nose. "Oooow!"

The snakes snickered. "Room can not be entered master." The snake told him. "No one knows what's in there."

"Yob ould ave old meh eforie." Harry mumbled out as he held his nose. It was throbbing painfully.

"But not as much fun Masster Harry."

"Own all meh aster."

Harry could tell that his nose wasn't hurt that bad, maybe a little bruised, so he settled on glaring at the snakes for a second. This, of course, didn't faze them in the slightest way. So he walked back down the hall found himself near where here started.

It only took a second for him to reach the library again. The snakes had gone off to explore the small house again as Harry started looking through the books and wondering if wizards had ever heard of the Dewy Decimal system. The library didn't' seem to have any system in place at all and the blasted walls were covered with books.

Thousands of the little suckers. Harry was only seventeen years old and really didn't want to spend the next twenty years reading every book in the room. There had to be a faster way to get the knowledge he needed. That, and he was lazy, but wouldn't admit, even under vertasium.

Then he spotted two books as they started to glow. He walked over and noticed that they were books on absorbsion rituals. Rituals he didn't know. Even back at Hogwarts he had resisted the urge to perform some of the darker, though relatively safe, rituals he came across.

Frowning a little, he pulled the book off the shelf and began to read. It only took him a few minutes to get an idea what the book was about and he started to laugh. It was as if the author had him in mind when it was written. He could perform these rituals without having to bleed or kill anything.

He just needed to increase his Occlumancy abilities and he was set. He moved over to the chair and sat down. The fireplace lit up automatically and he relaxed even more. It only took him about ten minutes to get lost in the book and two hours to read it. By the time he was finished his aches and pains were gone and he was ready for a little work.

Albus Dumbledore, the Ministry, and a few others were about to feel his wrath. Back in the kitchen the snakes were feasting on rats when they heard Harry start cackling insanely.

"Our master in insane."

"So what, he's funny and hasn't tried to kill us yet."

"I want to be his familiar."

The others just shrugged. Can a snake shrug? Hmm…

oooooooooo

To Be Continued...

Note: I'm not sure where the name of this came from, but I'm pretty sure the name may morph into something else eventually. Coming up in the next chapter is a bit of shopping and Harry 'I'm not quite sane anymore and filled with teenage hormones' Potter finds his first victim.


	2. Skitter and Bark

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRLS TO SPONTANIOUSLY CUMBUST. 

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore. So a recap, in last chapter Harry discovered a rather convient hiding place. Damn that thing just popped out of nowhere when he needed it the most.

oooooooooo   
Coven of the Rose   
Chapter 01   
By CRose   
© 2006   
oooooooooo

Time of course passed; we're not sure how long though, it's a little hard to do in a printed medium. But I digress, it was a dark and cloudy night when a cloaked figure exited the trees at the edge of the forest and glanced around. Then promptly fell over and planted his face in the grass at his feet.

"Shit!"

He sprang back to his feet and adjusted his cloak. He pulled out a little device, shaped like a little hand paddle, made out of polished wood, and had to little protrusions sticking out from the top pointing down ward at an angle. They lit up with light and started to flutter a little as Harry twisted around. The little wings raised a little as he looked to the west.

Harry vanished with a thunderclap that shook the leaves off nearby trees. A stunned squirrel fell out a tree. About a mile away, Harry appeared with a silent burst of light at the top of a hill. He looked out over the lights of a small town below.

Pulling his device out again, he made another quick scan and nodded as the readings pointed towards the town. He was just glad it was day time, because it was so much easier to see the item of his quest set right in the middle of the town. A massive tree with silver leaves large enough to keep several houses in a constant shadow.

An aptly named silver leaf tree. A few minutes later he strolled into town and ignored the look people were giving him as he made his way over to the tree. His face was hidden by the large hood that covered his head, so all anyone could see was his slightly furry chin. His hideout didn't seem to have any shaving equipment.

Why, oh why, did wizards have to do every little thing with magic? It made it so inconvenient for escapees like him to change their appearance. He glanced up at the branch above him and had to jump a couple of times to reach it, much to the amusement of the people watching him.

One day Harry knew he would have a growth spurt. One day soon. Now that he had the pesky branch, he took a closer look at the leaves and pulled two of the larger ones from the branch. They would work perfectly. Now that he had the leaves he would need some wood, Holly to be precise.

Stuffing the leaves in one of his cloaks large pockets, Harry pulled the odd device out of his pocket again and reset it. The thing started to glow as the little wings rose almost level with the top. From there he slowly turned and let the signal get stronger and set off.

Several of the town's people tried to talk to him, but Harry ignored them as he worked. Several minutes later he was standing in front of a wood workers shop at the edge of town.

Harry snorted. "Figures, now how to pay…"

"What'cha lookin fer?" Some guy asked him.

"Wood, Holly Wood."

"Neva 'eard of e'm."

Harry nearly face faulted. "No, the wood, Holly."

The man, Harry noticed that he bore a striking resemblance to Mudingus Fletcher. It was with some relief that the man didn't have a sausage cart next to him with burn charcoal sausage for sale. "The owner of the store here has plenty of Holly in stock. At least he did the last time I bought some."

This made Harry as his left eye started to twinkle. He had an idea. Grabbing the guy's arm, he pulled him into the alley next to the shop. The sound of a loud growl erupted from the alley, along with flesh hitting flesh, and a loud scream in the high octave range pleading for mercy and confessing crimes.

Harry exited the alley a couple minutes later counting out a small bag of galleons he just liberated from his newest friend. He bought his wood, a small piece and a long, raw, untouched piece for his other idea. Yew would have come in handy, but there was none in stock. Which was odd for a place called Yew and Me.

Both items vanished into his pockets as he left the shop and stepped back outside. Pulling his odd device out once again he activated it again and moved onto the next item on his list. He ignored the groans of pain coming, rather loudly, from the alley and quickly made his way out of town.

Then vanished with another crack of thunder, stunning a chipmunk this time as it too fell out of a nearby tree.

oooooooooo

"Has there been any news?" Albus Dumbledore asked as he sat down in his chair at number twelve Grimauld place. He adjusted his purple tinted glasses and smiled at the crowd of faces around him.

Mad 'Eye' Moody grunted and stood up. He was getting way to old for all this running around. "We've been making some subtle inquiries into Potter's escape for months now. No one in the Ministry has any idea where he is."

"The boy must be caught as soon as possible. My little Ginny has been hiding behind the beds again." Mrs. Weasley, the mother hen, yelled.

Ginny Weasley, two seats away rolled her eyes at her mother's antics. She hadn't lived at the Burrow for over a year now and wondered if that boggart was bothering her mother again. On the other side of the room Fred and George looked bored. They hadn't had anything exciting happen, other than Voldemort killing a few people, for nearly two years.

On the couch, coming in at over three hundred pounds, a rather overweight Remus Lupin was pouring a box of potion laced chocolates down his throat in near orgasmic joy. No one even looked at him when he made those funny noises anymore. Then a few seats away from him Hermione and Ron were busy listening to Dumbledore.

"No clues at all Alister?" Dumbledore asked.

"None, it's like he vanished into thin air. We haven't been able to even track him magically. Something is blocking his magic signature and that means that someone is helping him."

Snape snorted.

"You have an opinion Severus?" Albus asked.

"The brat should be killed on sight and remove the stain of the Potter line from this world forever." Snape snapped.

Half the order yawned; they had grown quite bored of Snape's constant insults to Harry over the last twenty-four months. Snape snarled, stood up, and stalked out of the room in snit.

Moody cleared his throat. "The only thing that has happened was a couple days ago actually, but it has nothing to do with Potter. One of Fletcher's contacts way out in Northern Flats was…" Mood pulled out a small dirty note pad. "Dragged into an alley, mugged for twenty two galleons and three sickles. At the same time he was, deprived of his balls, stripped naked, and stuffed into a small trash can face first."

Half the room groaned while the girls looked confused for a second, then started giggling. The men glared at them. Mood continued his report. "After that the stories are a little conflicting. Some people say the guy that did this took a couple of leaves from a Silver Leaf tree in the center of town. All of them agree that he hid his face and that he apperated away from town by setting off a clap of thunder. Stunning a chipmunk that has developed a phobia of loud noises."

"Anything on Mr. Riddle?"

Moody shrugged. "Five families were killed in the last three weeks. All of them muggles with a muggle born witch or wizard in the family. The Ministry Aurors showed up about an hour after each attack, cleaned up the mess, cleaned out the refrigerator, and made off with all the silverware."

The order was gaping at Moody now.

"What? You think Fudge pays Aurors much of anything? We have to scrounge just to make it from month to month."

Fred and George yawned and vanished with twin cracks. At the same time Dumbledore sighed and wondered where he had gone so wrong. After Potter was thrown in Azkaban things had looked so bright. His plan was working perfectly, Tom was doing exactly like he predicted, Harry was in place, and then the whole thing just rolled over and died.

Tom didn't attack Azkaban, where a large trap was set up. Harry wasn't there to save the day and prove his innocence, and Dumbledore wasn't able to take credit for taking down another Dark Lord. He sucked on a lemon drop and tried to keep a cheery face on. "Miss Granger?"

Scooting her chair back, Hermione brushed a hand through her long bushy hair and stood up. She cleared her throat. "Sir, my sources at the Daily Profit seem to think that Harry might be in hiding at a place similar to number twelve Grimauld place. His wand was snapped publicly by Fudge himself so it's unknown how Harry has eluded the Aurors."

"How could he find such a place Granger?" Moody growled.

"Harry has always been resourceful, I don't think this situation is any different. Just because he broke out of Azkaban and vanished into thin air is pretty normal for him."

"The Git will be caught eventually Herm." Ron muttered, jealous flashing in his eyes.

Hermione sniffed. "When will you declare him innocent Albus?"

"When the time is right."

"And when will that be?"

"As I said Miss Granger, when I feel the time is right." Albus said, showing a little more force than he really needed to. She backed down and Albus relaxed again.

"Alright sir."

"Just kill him on sight like the Ministry says and we get ten thousand galleons, I'm all for that."

"He's innocent Ron, remember?"

"Only when Dumbledore says so Herms, until then he's fair game."

Hermione huffed and stalked out of the room, but not before firing a spell at Ron. Who was writhing on the floor as a large bat made its way out of his nose in a rather disgusting display of mucus. Ginny just nodded as she chased after Hermione.

Oooooooooo

Robes billowing, Harry stalked down the darkened streets. There was no way he could show his face in the regular parts of magical London, but that didn't keep him from going to lesser known places. Whispering Alley was a small magical strip mall near Edinburgh.

Gringotts didn't have a branch there so you had to bring own money with you, but Harry didn't mind. He glanced down at his latest donation of three hundred galleons and grinned a little. This was his fifth mark for the night, giving him over a thousand galleons.

He finally had enough to buy what he was looking for and perhaps a couple of other things. Most of the people that frequented Whispering Alley were normal witches that didn't want to go to an over crowded place like Diagon Alley. Most of them were quite old and set in their ways, so they didn't see the pile of bodies in the alley.

The apothecary had two phoenix feathers in stock and after examining them; Harry could tell that they were genuine. A few minutes after that Harry exited the shop six hundred galleons richer, leaving a grinning old man in his wake. With a clap of thunder, Harry vanished, and a gargoyle fell off a nearby roof and shattered as it hit the ground.

It nearly killed and old woman, who went home, gave her husband a kiss. It was such a life changing experience that she left her husband of eighty-five years and ran off to Russia to join a witch's commune. Where she spent the next forty years stoned out of her mind, on weed, and singing prayers to the dancing pixies that liked to play with her hair.

Back at the Hideaway, Harry was finishing the last couple of runes for his wand. He pricked his finger and let ten drops run down the length of the wand as he chanted. He was just glad this spell didn't require an exact focus. So he was able to cast his magic into the wand.

As the last drop of blood was absorbed into the wand it started to glow a deep red color, burst into fire, and gave off phoenix song. Picking the wand up it almost seemed to croon and purr.

He could feel his magic surging through his body as he took the wand and held it high. It felt good to have a wand again and this one was aligned to his magic alone. No more half power spells like with is old wand. From now on his magic would flow through the wand and do exactly as it was told.

Just as it flipped out of his hand, landed on the floor, and started inching off like a worm. Harry gaped at it for several seconds before he ran over and grabbed it again. It wiggled around in his hand for several seconds before settling down.

After that it only took him about two hours of work to finish the staff he was working on. His two feathers came in handy as the last spells were placed on the staff. A wand was a simple focus for magic, but a staff was a magic amplifier that could increase any spell's power by almost ten times.

They weren't used much these days, except in magical construction companies when they were placing wards on large buildings. Even then a small group of men with wands was a very common sight. That didn't stop Harry though; he had several ideas in mind that he just 'knew' would work.

These ideas would give him an advantage when he needed it. He carefully slotted his wand into a slot in the middle of the staff. The second it clicked into place the staff filled the small potions lab with light. When it died down, Harry looked won and smiled. His staff was gone, but the wand lay there innocently, glowing slightly.

According to his book, he could now switch back and forth as needed and the wand would always amplify his spells just the like the staff would. Just one step to go and he didn't need another focus for it. He flipped several pages in the book, found the spell he was looking for, and quickly cast it. The glowing wand suddenly warped, twisted, and shrank itself until it appeared to be a plain gold ring on his right middle finger.

His eyes gleamed as he noticed that the glow was only just then fading. He could feel his magic connected to the ring. Holding out his hand, a stunning spell flew from his hand and slammed into the wall, creating a small dent. After firing off about a dozen spells Harry nodded in satisfaction and cleaned up the lab with a wave of his hand.

He headed back to the library and put the wand book back. There were a couple of other wand types in there, but he would need more feathers for those, so he would wait. Perhaps he could get a few more from Fawks, the order of the burning chicken wouldn't mind in the least.

Flicking is wrist, the staff extended from his hand with a burst of phoenix song. The whole room seemed to fill with the sound and Harry took a second to thump the blue dome of magic over the book. It popped like a bubble. Harry's eyes widened as he felt the whole room shaking and saw lightning arching around the book.

After several seconds it finally came to an end though and he carefully approached the book. Written on the cover was 'The Book of Knowledge'. For some reason the name sound familiar, but he couldn't recall from where. He touched the cover and the book suddenly rose into the air, opened up, and started flipping pages as it settled back on the dais.

As he got a look at the page he gasped. The Book of Knowledge was written over two thousand years ago when Merlin was still around. He started to read, letting the book teach him what he wanted to know. Even Hogwarts didn't have a book like this. If a spell was created, then the Book of Knowledge, or the Book would have it listed within its pages.

It also didn't distinguish between light and dark magic, just difficulty.

oooooooooo

Harry apperated to the top of a small building and glanced down into the yard below where about twenty wild dogs were sleeping. A couple lifted their heads to glance in his direction, but Harry just grinned and waved his hand at them. His ring glowed.

A beam of energy shot out of his hand, hit one of the dogs, then bounced from dog to dog. They didn't make any noise as Harry waved his hand at a nearby wall and an open gate appeared. He jumped off the roof and motioned for the dogs to follow him.

His eyes were twinkling like mad.

oooooooooo

"Albus."

Dumbledore turned to see Moody's head in the fireplace. "What is it Alister?"

"A couple hours ago something strange happened to Rita Skitter."

"Is she alright?"

"Physically the bint is fine, but I don't know if she will ever recover from what happened."

"Go on."

"Well, she was just leaving the Daily Prophet for the night when a light shot down from a clear sky. She looked up into the light for a second and the light vanished. This is where things get rather odd. Witnesses, who turned out to be several of the night staff at the Prophet, said she shrugged the odd occurrence off and continued down the street for about five steps.

"Then out of nowhere a pack of dogs rounds the side of the prophet, nearly two dozen of them. They spot the bint, howl, and race towards her. She panics and tries to apperated out, but doesn't make it before the dogs get to her. They all jump her and force her to ground…" Moody snickers. "From there the employees said the dogs got rather…snicker …amorous, and proceeded to hump every inch of her body for nearly twenty minutes.

"Her screams of help were ignored as photographers took pictures and reporters rushed out to 'interview' her. The dogs all looked quite happy as they humped her and eventually…got off. The whole incident was photographed from beginning to end. Where someone, we don't know who, portkeyed her to St. Georges Pet Hospital. Where a large number of dogs spotted her and..." Moody snickered again. "Well you get the point."

"So someone pulled a prank Mrs. Skitter?"

"It looks that way."

"Any idea who?"

"No, but the witnesses said that the one that portkeyed her was wearing a green robe with his face obscured by a hood."

"Thank you Alister, any other incidents?"

"Just that one for now."

"Rita has made a lot of enemies over the years and this might be a retaliation, so it would be hard to tell who did it. The green robe was odd though. Most people wear black for things like that."

Alister just nodded. "That's all for now. Bye Albus."

"Good bye Alister." Albus said as the scared man's face vanished. He turned and went back to his desk. He was in deep thought, but after several minutes just noted it down and decided that it wasn't that important.

oooooooooo

To Be Continued...

Notes: Rita Skitter is Harry's first victim! She will rue the day she told the world he was an attention seeking, insane, psychopath! Bwhahahaha! Harry really doesn't understand Irony in his current state of mind.


	3. MOM Needs a Little Love

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRLS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST. 

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore. So a recap, Rita got hers and now lives in relative piece as she runs from the local dog population. Harry isn't letting something like morality get in the way of his revenge.

oooooooooo   
Coven of the Rose   
Chapter 02   
By CRose   
© 2006   
oooooooooo

Sweat dripped down Minister Fudge's face as he sat behind his desk, deep in thought. His brown robes were in perfect condition and he had his bowler in his hands, slowly scrunching it up. One name was echoing through his head, Harry Potter. The brat that seemed to hold more political power in the palm of his hand than Fudge himself, even after struggling to grasp said power for nearly fifty years.

Two years ago he had taken the opportunity to remove the stain that was Harry Potter and had him tossed in prison. This time even Dumbledore had agreed with his actions, so it was quite easy to do. There was even evidence that he killed the Diggery kid to win the tournament. That large donation from Lucius Malfoy had also helped of course.

The only problem was that things had changed now. Potter had escaped from Azkaban Prison and seemed to have vanished off the face of the planet. Location spells were useless, the Aurors had failed to capture him after eight months of searching, and his counter part in the Department of Mysteries had laughed in his face when he requested help.

Two years of stories in the Daily Prophet had turned the magical population against Harry and he had even made some progress into getting the Muggle authorities to wonder if the rumors about the brat's early years were in fact true. He had this reputation around the neighborhood where he grew up that played right into his hands. The only little problem was that every bit of it was circumstantial.

He needed to find a way to pin an actual crime on the kid. Ever since his escape the people had been looking over their shoulders, wondering when Potter would strike. Fudge ground his teeth in frustration. Setting the kid up would be easy enough with a little help from Lucius, but that would still give the brat a chance to prove his innocence.

The crime had to be real…

"Ah, Cornelius, I was just thinking about you." Said a silky voice.

"Lucius, I was just thinking of you as well. I need to find a way to remove the Potter brat completely. Perhaps an exile." Fudge muttered, glancing at the blonde haired man in black and silver robes.

"Perhaps, but then again, dead men don't tell tales."

"I won't kill the kid, that would kill my carrier even faster than framing him." Fudge muttered, though he had a brief fantasy about hanging the brat from the roof of the Ministry. He didn't see Lucius smile at this though, or he would have been a bit more wary.

"I do have contacts among the families Cornelius; perhaps I can have them find a Hunter for you?"

"We've tried hunters already, they all failed. Potter's magical signature has altered in some weird way and it makes tracking him impossible."

"Not Aurors, but Hit Wizards who take care of problem for Dark Wizards."

Fudge paled a little and ignored the little tickle at the back of his mind. "That could work."

"Give me a week, I have a friend that knows this guy that will have Potter back here within a month. He's very good."

"Is he wanted?"

"No, he's never been captured before so you shouldn't have any record of him."

Fudge grinned. "Perfect, I want Potter alive, but broken when he's brought in. The brat needs to learn his place in this world, even if we have to beat it into him."

Lucius smiled as he bowed his head and left the office just as a shudder went through the whole building. He stopped just as Fudge ran out of his office and looked around. A bit of dust rained down on the two of them.

"What the hell was that?"

The building shook again causing Fudge to pale and look around nervously. "Is this your doing Lucius?"

"No." The man said, looking as cold and as he was calm.

"Minister!" Percy Weasley yelled as he ran over to them. "Minister, something strange is happening down in the entrance hall. Some kind of magic wave just shoved everyone to the walls."

"Then get rid of it!" Fudge yelled.

"The Aurors are trying to do that, but they can't even get past this shield that's holding everyone in place."

Snarling, Fudge stalked down the hall, angrily placing his bowler on his head. Percy followed after him and a few minutes later Fudge reached the ground floor and looked around at the panicked people. He spotted Kingsley Shaklebolt and waved him over.

The whole entrance area seemed to be surrounded by some kind of blue dome of magic. He spotted about thirty people shoved up against the walls struggling against some unseen force. The magic in the air was so thick that even Fudge could tell that there was a massive amount of power being used.

He moved forward to get a closer look when Kingsley grabbed him by the arm. "Bad idea minister, three of my men are already at St. Mungos because they to close."

Fudge nodded, paling a little more. "What is this thing?"

"Someone set up an Aegis Shield. There also seems to be a great deal of magic building up within the room itself. We aren't sure what, but it might be a good idea to evacuate the building."

Bristling, Fudge glared at the auror. "I'll do no such thing. Just dispel the stupid thing and get this situation under control!"

"Sir, an Aegis Shield can't just be dispelled. They are some of the most complex shields ever created. It could take us months to get it down and even then several people might be hurt."

"I don't want your excuses! Get it down by the end of the day or I'll fire you!"

Kingsley starred down at the shorter man coldly. "Yes…"

Then the whole building shuddered again, this time for several seconds and the blue shield seemed to ripple. It casually reached out and grabbed Fudge, dragged him into the room before he could say or do anything, and tossed him in the fountain.

Percy could only stand there and gape, as the whole room seemed to shimmer within the shield. Marble and tile seemed to change and bulge outward. Fudge screamed in fear as the bulges suddenly spit out about a dozen bodies dressed in black robes and white masks.

The trapped employees suddenly found that they could move and made a run for the closest exit. Screamed filled the entrance hall as people started to panic as they realized who the people in black robes were.

"Death Eaters!" Kingsley yelled. "We need to get through the shie…"

Every employee of the Ministry at the scene could only gawk as a twenty-foot version of Harry appeared out of nowhere, standing over the Death Eaters. Fiery green eyes glared down at Fudge as he surfaced belly up in the fountain.

"FUUUDGE!"

"Potter…" The Minister squeaked.

"I BROUGHT YOU A LITTLE PRESENT. YOUR ISOLATED LITTLE WORLD NEEDS SOME BAD GUYS AFTER ALL." Harry said, leaning down to pat Fudge on the head, driving the man to his knees. "NOW LISTEN CLOSE, WE ALL KNOW HOW THICK YOUR SKULL IS."

Several people snickered.

Harry knelt down and pointed at one of the unconscious men. "THIS IS A DEATH EATER, SAY IT SLOWLY NOW, DEEEAAATTTHHH EEEAAATTTEEERRR! THEY MURDER LITTLE CHILDREN AND ANYONE ELSE THAT THEY WANT! NOW SAY IT AGAIN, DEEEAAATTTHHH EEEAAATTTEEERRR!"

In the background, an entire wall suddenly wavered and a picture appeared of a dozen Death Eaters attacking a home. It was quite graphic as the wife, who was under an imperious curse, castrated her husband. Then molested her own ten year old son before slitting his throat and gave herself to everyone of the Death Eaters.

"THIS IS WHO YOU SUPPORT? PUREBLOODS THAT COMMIT THAT KIND OF ACT AND YOU'RE WILLING TO SIT BACK AND LET THEM? ALL FOR A FEW GALLEONS?" Harry asked, sounding sick. The image behind him changed and broadcast his conversation with Lucius just minutes before.

"You little piece of shit! I'll kill you with my bare hands!" Fudge screamed, completely loosing control.

Harry reached down and lifted the man off the floor, laid him across his knee, and proceeded to disrobe the minister. Then to the shock of everyone watching, started to spank the minister in full view of fifty reporters who just happened to be on hand for the incident.

Grinning, Harry tossed Fudge back into the fountain. "NOW THAT I'M DONE HERE, I TRULY HOPE YOU'VE LEARNED YOUR LESSON, OR I'LL BE BACK AND NEXT TIME I'LL DO MORE THAN SPANK YOU. NEXT TIME I'LL USE SOAP TO CLEAN YOUR DIRTY MOUTH OUT."

The whole room wavered and the shield went down. The twenty-foot Harry Potter threw its head back and laughed manically. So loud that it echoed around the building and scared people for blocks around. As the illusion slowly vanished, Kingsley could only gape at it in shock.

Whatever had happened to Potter while in prison had driven the poor kid mad. There were certain people that weren't going to like this turn of events at all, especially Albus Dumbledore. On the other hand, seeing Fudge spanked like that had made his day all over again. He started issuing orders to secure the area and to figure out how Potter had accomplished it.

oooooooooo

Eight months of training in his little cave without being held back by teachers and other students allowed Harry to dramatically increases his spell knowledge. His library seemed to have any book he could ever want, though he still hasn't accessed the Book of Knowledge just yet.

He giggled as he returned to his new home, fed his snaked, and exchanged a couple of dirty jokes with them. The little slithery devils knew some really dirty ones too. Dusting off his robes, he went and took a bath. Touching Fudge made him feel unclean and just a little slimy. Though that just might be because the man was soaked from the fountain, but he doubted it.

The last few months had brought about many changes as Harry moved to set his plan into motion. The wizarding world revered him as some kind of hero, but they turned on him at the drop of a hat. There was no way he would fight for them anymore. If Voldemort would just take over and let things settle down without killing everyone Harry just might have let him, but the man was out to kill everything that lived.

Shaking his head, he disrobed and hopped in the tub. He seemed to think of his best plans in the tub. Rita's little dog problem has been a spur of the moment idea that worked out quite well. Even now she stunned any dog she came across. His spell wouldn't wear off until she started treating people with respect, something he knew she would never do.

So the dogs would always be after her. He started laughing just thinking about it. After that he did a quick foray into the Muggle world and spent a couple of weeks gathering potion supplies and relaxing on a random beach. His health quickly returned after several days of good food as well. He even met a few girls, though nothing happened relationship wise.

That kind of stuff would have to wait until he could get his hands on whip cream and peanut butter. That's what you did with girls after all. He nodded to himself. He focused on his latest bit of revenge on Fudge. Now that he thought about it he really should have done more to the moron, his skull was to thick to take his subtle hint.

Perhaps he should focus on some of the other Ministry employees. There was on person on Fudges staff that really need a visit and that was Delores Umbridge. Of all the people he had met, she pissed him off just by existing. Though after Fudge she just might be on guard against an attack, so he would have to wait a while to get her.

He would have to focus on someone else for a while. As he got out of the tub, he put on a fluffy robe, one provided by the room, and walked down to the bedroom. After eight months and some careful study, he was able to sew his own robes and enchant them any way he wanted. His bright green battle robe was nice, but it was missing that certain something that would strike fear into his vitims.

Harry knew something would come to him eventually so he moved over to the bed where five snakes were sleeping on the bed. He wasn't sure where they were coming from, but a couple more showed up every few days. Right now he figured there were about two dozen snakes in his hide out and they were all as weird as the first two that showed him the place.

After getting dressed in jeans and a tight t-shirt, Harry headed back to the library. His next victim needed to be someone that wouldn't ever forget what was going to do to him.

oooooooooo

It was a very nervous group of people that crowded had gathered in the shrieking shack. The Order of the Phoenix used to gather in the Sirius' house at Grimauld Place, but that site was compromised when Harry escaped from prison. Albus' hands shook as he waited for the rest of the order to show up. He had never considered what Azkaban would do to Harry, just the end result, and now he was reaping the rewards of his actions.

This was only a meeting of Dumbledore's most trusted agents. The Weasleys, Severus Snape, Kingsley, and several others. All of them were looking at Kingsley's report of the incident at the Ministry in shock and amusement. At first most of them thought it was quite fitting for the git to be treated like that, but then they thought about it a little more and realized that it could mean so much more.

Albus looked out over the group. "Harry Potter has struck for the first time since he escaped from prison."

"He certainly chose an interesting way to show himself." Tonks said. She was still snickering a little. "We still haven't figured out how he did it though. There are wards up all around the building to protect the people. We can't even figure out how he got into the building."

Snape snorted. "The wards around the Ministry aren't maintained. He walked through the front door and got his daily dose of attention."

"Albus, what are we going to do. Your plan didn't work when you had the boy sent to Azkaban and he's suffered in there for over two years. It's well known that the inmates of Azkaban eventually go insane. We have to help him." Mrs. Weasley snapped. She had only gone along with the plan because Albus said it would work and Harry wouldn't be in there for longer than a week.

"The brat got what he deserved." Snape crowed. "He finally earned the punishment he's been asking for all this time. I say have him Kissed by the Dementors and toss the corpse in a hole. He's more useful dead than alive."

"Now, now Severus, Harry went to Azkaban to set a trap. If he's not there, then the trap can't be set off." Albus said evenly.

"That Trap of yours was supposed to happen within the first couple of weeks Albus." Alistair said. "The boy should have been removed within the first six months."

Albus shook his head. "No, he needs to go back and wait. He was well aware of what he needed to do. Tom will eventually attack Azkaban and Harry needs to be there."

"We need to find him and help him!" Molly yelled. "This plan of yours is too risky and its failed completely. Harry's sanity is in question now that he escaped. We can think of something else to do."

"No." Albus said. The word carrying throughout the room. "Harry must stay there."

Ron, who was sitting at the back with the rest of his family stood up. "Sir, Harry won't just go back, you know his stubborn streak…"

"Indeed I do, and that's why we must send him back there."

"What about his emotional and mental state?" Hermione asked. She was a member, but had never agreed with what Harry had to suffer through.

"Harry will be perfectly fine." Albus said, his voice calm.

Hermione glared at him. "How can that be? He's already publicly embarrassed Fudge and Mad Eye thinks that Harry is the one that attacked Rita Skitter as well. Harry is not well, he's obviously delusional."

"The plan can still work, all we have to do is wait for Tom to attack him at Azkaban and we can seal the trap."

"You've never explained what we need to do Albus." Remus said. He agreed with Hermione, but didn't want say so aloud.

"I can't explain more at the moment. We must keep the security tight around this information."

Half the room sighed; they were very used to being kept in the dark and working with little to no information. Hermione shook her head as she stood up, tossed several things down in front of Dumbledore. "I can't work for the Order anymore if this is what you think needs to be done. Harry's life is important and you're endangering it needlessly."

She spun around and stalked out of the room. Dumbledore watched her go with a weird twinkle in his eye, before turning back to the rest of the group. "The plan will work with a minimum loss of life. Harry was ready to defeat Tom two years ago. They just need to meet each other."

Off to the side Snape rolled his eyes. As far as he was aware, the Dark Lord had decided to let the Potter brat rot for a couple of decades in prison for defying him. His escape had actually made a number of the Dark Lord's followers excited as they picked up on their master's emotions.

"Alistair, were you able to determine if Mrs. Skitter was truly pranked by Mr. Potter?"

"No, she didn't see who did it, but she threatened to kill any dog that would dare to come within ten yards of her. It seems they made a lasting…impression on her."

Several people in the room snickered.

"Interesting. What is Harry thinking?"

The meeting moved onto lesser matters after that, but several of them couldn't stop thinking of the boy.

oooooooooo

Beneath the floorboards of the Shrieking shack a pair of snakes listened to the whole meeting and a charm relayed the information back to Harry as he finished making lunch. He thanked the snakes and cast a quick spell that gave each of them a small mouse to eat.

Now how a snake, which doesn't have ears, could hear what was being said is a mystery, but they did so. Personally, the author thinks that it was a charm, but that's just me. Of course it could be that they are magical snakes…Hmm…

oooooooooo

To Be Continued...

Note: Well, this chapter isn't to long, but the next victim has been taken down and people are starting to wonder about Harry. Really wonder if sending to Azkaban was the right thing to do after all. Just wait till you see the next chapter, all hell is going to break loose as Harry really sets things in motion. You have to feel sorry for some of these poor buggers.


	4. Baboon and You

**DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRLS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST.**

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.

oooooooooo  
**Coven of the Rose**  
Chapter 03   
By CRose   
© 2006   
oooooooooo

Eyes gleaming, Harry tiptoed from shadow to shadow. He was visiting Surry and had decided that while he was here, he would stop in at his relatives. They of course didn't need to know that he was there, but he would stop by anyway. His green stood out among the boring bushes and sidewalks along Privet Drive, but he didn't mind. It was three in the morning after all.

Number four looked the way it always had, except the lawn was going to seed and the garden was in horrible shape. After two years of neglect, Harry had to wince at how bad it looked. He stared at it mournfully for several seconds before he pulled his wand and whispered a spell. A burst of green light fired out, hit the grass at his feet, and started moving across the yard.

The garden got a blue and pink spell that danced among the sad looking flowers. Harry figured that even after all this time Dudley still didn't do any chores. He wondered if his whale sized cousin was any bigger. Of course, after tonight, they wouldn't have to worry about that kind of thing anymore.

He snickered a little as he moved up to the door. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted one of the neighbors, nose little darlings, peaking out of a window. He gave her a wave and the curtain jerked back into place.

With a flick of his wand the front door opened silently, swinging inward. Stepping into the house, Harry looked around and sighed to himself. The house was in rather bad shape and starting to show signs of wear and tear. Harry recalled that a little over two years ago he had found out that the Dursley's recieved money straight from his vault to take care of him.

At the time he had cut them off and had them sued, but Dumbledore had blocked the law suit. Harry agreed because he still trusted the old bastard. Tonight that would change though. His training for the last several months, as well as the extended vacation, allowed him to forget the Dursley's existed. Now it was their time to pay.

Holding his wand out, it quickly started to expand into his staff. Once formed, he cast a quickly sleeping spell over the entire house. He started as a loud snore suddenly seemed to reverberate down the stairs. It sounded like Uncle Vernon was being as crass as normal.

Pointing his staff at various areas of the front room he started casting several dozen spells. The furniture slowly cleaned itself up and looked as new as the day he lugged it through the front door without any help. The dusty floorboards polished themselves to a shiny sheen, almost mirror like. Once the front room was done, Harry stopped at a door near the kitchen, the door that he had never opened.

The basement door. The one time he asked about it Vernon had beaten him unconscious, locked him in the cupboard for three weeks, and forgotten to feed him. Tapping the door with the staff opened it instantly. One light spell later and he could see the stairs leading down.

Harry descended the stairs and saw that it was just like he thought, a place to store Dursley's junk. More of Dudley's broken toys, though the more expensive junk like a couple of computers that looked like someone took a bat to them. Then he spun around as he heard something moving.

Scanning over the junk, he spotted something lost in the corner covered by a thick dusty blanket. Whatever was below it was shaking around trying to get is attention. One spell later and all the room was rearranged enough for him to walk over to the thing.

He could sense quite a bit of magic pouring off the shrouded object. The blanket came off easily enough and revealed a trunk, a Hogwarts trunk. Levitating the trunk out into the open, he sat it at the base of the stairs. The instant he touched it the lid sprang open. Several moths sprang into the air and made a run for it.

There were several Hogwarts robes on top. He pulled those out and sat them to the side and noted that they were a few sizes to small for him. After that he pulled out a pile of lingerie and had to take a few seconds to look at the black panties. "Someone cut the crotch out of these things."

After that he sat such items to the side and wondered who the trunk belonged to. Now he knew who he suspected, but he wanted actual proof before he could be properly embarrassed about handling such items. The trunk also contained seventh year books and a DADA course book he hadn't heard of before.

"Hmm…How to Kick Ass and Look Good Doing it." Harry marveled at some of the weird names Wizards came up with for their books. He shrunk that one down and put it in his pocket, it sounded interesting. "Ah, here we go." He muttered as he pulled a diary out of the trunk.

He could detect a couple dozen charms on the book, so he didn't open it. Still, countering them would be fun, but he smirked as he read the name on the spine of the book. "Lily Evans-Potter"

"Just as I thought." It only took him a minute to put everything back in the trunk, except the book, and shut the lid. He shrank it down and put it in his pocket. A quick check of the basement didn't reveal anymore magical items, so he headed back up stairs. His eyes started twinkling again as he entered the kitchen.

He transfigured a chair into a metal stand, reached into an inner pocket of his robe, and pulled out a small tan colored ball and returned it to normal size. The sphere was filled with some kind of white substance. He gave it a shake to loose it up a bit and smirked. Setting it on the stand, he tapped it with his staff and watched as the substance started to slowly bubble up inside the sphere.

It would be a few minutes before his little present went off. So he headed upstairs and fired several spells on the walls. Didn't want to damage them after all. The door to Dudley's second bedroom opened easily though and he took a little peak. His cousin was snoring and at least a hundred pounds heavier than the last time he saw him.

Harry started to snicker as he backed out of the room. Just as he was about to walk away his conscious kicked him in the nuts. Groaning and muttering under his breath, he turned back and hit Dudley with a spell, stepped into the next room, and got Vernon and Petunia as well. Once he as done, he conjured some ice and limped down the stairs.

His conscious took a more active role in his life these days. His little gift was percolating nicely, so he stepped out side, and made sure the door was locked. Who knew what kind of miscreant would be around Surrey at this time of night. Just as he was about to leave, he thumped his forehead and dispelled his sleeping charm.

He didn't them to sleep through his little gift after all. A sound caught his attention and he looked down at the ground, where one of Mrs. Figg's cats was sniffing his ankle. For a second Harry thought the cat was going to piss on him, but then it turned around and headed home.

There was no way he could allow that. A beam of energy fired from his staff and hit the cat. It gave off an unholy noise and raced out of the area trailing sparks. Nodding at a job well down, Harry vanished without a sound, though he still managed to stun a nearby squirrel. One of these days he would realize that he was using to much magic to apperated, but until then, he would be the bane of all small animals that hid in trees.

oooooooooo

"Any luck yet?" Kingsley asked in a very tired voice.

The mediwitch sighed, took the mask off her face and shook her head. "I have no idea what he did to them."

The after effects of Harry Potter's visit to the Ministry was still being felt after three days. At first non one had really noticed anything wrong, but that quickly changed the next day. The walls of the entrance hall seemed to be growing, he shuddered, pubic hair. They were covered in course little hairs. If that wasn't bad enough, the fountain where stone statures of a Goblin, House Elf, and a Centaur periodically broke out in knock knock jokes about how dumb humans were.

The Weasley Twins had stopped by to take notes and giggle a lot. By now Harry's attack was running in every paper around the world. The twins were delighted to say the least. They didn't seem to care that Harry was a criminal, just that he appeared to be pranking the whole world.

The Department of Mysteries even had a group of men examining all the different forms of magic Potter used for his prank and they were stumped. They identified three different forms of lost magic that hadn't been seen since Merlin's time and they couldn't figure out how the boy was pulling it off. He hadn't even finished his seventh year at Hogwarts.

"Do you have any clue about the prisoners at all?" He asked.

"I'm sorry, but the magic Potter used on them is so obscure that I can't identify it." She explained.

"The staff that runs the holding cells has threatened to quit."

"Even my mask didn't help." The witch admitted as she gagged a bit.

Every Death Eater turned over to the Ministry by Potter seemed to be afflicted with a flatulence curse, a Sonorous Charm, and something that amplified the smell. The walls in the cells were already turning rather putrid colors and Death Eaters were begging for death. They couldn't even interrogate the poor fools.

If that wasn't bad enough, Fudge seemed to be the only wizard in the Ministry that couldn't smell them. He kept blustering and yelling at people to do their jobs. Three Aurors had already been fired for failing to stay in the cells for longer than five minutes.

Fudge didn't even seem to notice that he had grown black and white fur, a tail with a rather distinctive pattern, and smelled worse than the Death Eaters. Harry Potter's revenge on the world was just starting and Kingsley feared what would happen next.

Suddenly a little swirl of magic appeared over the desk and something fell through. Once the magic was gone, he pulled his wand and tapped what looked like a badge. The mediwitch raced out of the room before he could tell her to leave. Nodding, he slowly picked up the badge, fearing that another prank was about to be set off.

Nothing happened.

Frowning, he held up the badge. "Potter Stinks?" He read and wondered what the hell this thing was. Suddenly an alarm went off. He was so distracted that it took him a few seconds to recognize it. Someone had just set off a large amount of magic in the muggle world.

Teams of Obliviators started racing for the briefing rooms. Several minutes later he paled as he found himself looking at a house. A house filled to rafters with some white substance pouring from all the windows around the house, covering the lawn. The area was familiar and after glancing around for a second he paled as he realized that this was the Dursley house.

"Oh shit."

He started yelling orders to the various groups to make sure they would be careful. Everyone started looking around in fear as they suddenly understood that Harry Potter used to live in the house. Kingsley gulped as he raced over to Author Weasley, who was examining the white stuff covering the lawn. "Any idea what it is?"

Author shook his head. "Not a clue, but it's a paste of some kind that hardens after a few minutes. It also smells rather good, like a candy."

"Something Muggle?"

"I believe so."

"Kingsley!"

"What is it Tonks?"

The young Auror gulped as she pointed to the back yard. We have a problem brewing back there."

He paled a little more. How could even Potter pull something that would stump the entire Ministry. "Do I even want to know?"

"Well, we found His relatives." Tonks stressed to her boss.

"What did he do to them?" He asked as everyone started to head towards the back of the house.

Seconds later he just started staring as a rather large baboon with a mustache fight with four of his Aurors, tossing them around and screaming at the top of his lungs. "That would be Vernon Dursley wouldn't it?"

Tonks nodded and grinned. "Yep, and over there is little Dudley."

Hanging out of a large hole in wall where a window used to be was Killer Whale. It was wiggling around and appeared to be crying for its mother. Someone had painted Weight Watchers and a phone number on his head. "Why isn't Potter killing anyone. That I could understand, but this is just torture."

"Well sir, Harry has never really gone out of his way to kill anyone. The idea is alien to him. Even at their worst, Harry never wanted to kill the Dursleys even when any of us would have. It's not in his nature."

"Then what's he doing?"

"He's making some of the greatest jokes…"

"…we've ever had the pleasure to see!" Fred and George Weasley yelled.

"When did you two arrive?" Kingsley sighed.

"Dumbledore sent us. He said the ward he put around the house that would capture Harry went off." Fred explained.

That perked Kingsley up. "So Potter is captured, let's go have…"

"I'm afraid not." George said.

"Oh?" Kingsley wasn't surprised anymore.

"The Headmaster isn't a very…"

"…happy Wizard right now." They grinned.

"Why?"

"All of Mrs. Figgs cats…

"…enlarged to the size of lions…

"…appeared in his office, freaked out…

"…and tore the place apart!" The twins yelled and started snickering.

"The cats left the office, raced through the school…"

"…and are now sleeping and shedding hair all over the Slytherin Common room."

"Thank you for that report." Kingsley said. He needed a headache potion. "Anything else to report?"

Fred nodded. "Dad asked Hermione to stop by."

"I thought she quit the order?"

"She did." George confirmed. "But just the order, she still stops by the Burrow and the shop all the time."

"Ah."

They all heard a small pop as Hermione arrived and could only gape at the scene. "Oh my God!"

The twins started chuckling again. A screaming Baboon raced across the back yard dodging and weaving stunning spells, throwing gobs of white stuff at the Aurors. Hermione could only stare at the chaos around her, and knew that Harry was behind every bit of it.

"Hermione, you aren't part of the order anymore. You shouldn't be here." Kingsley said.

"Harry is my friend. I disagreed with Dumbledore's plan from the beginning but I was ignored. Now all of you are reaping your punishment for trying to condemn him to hell to take down Riddle."

"That may be, but you…"

"Anyway, it looks like you need my help." Hermione stated. "What's all this white stuff anyway, it's starting to fill the yard. Pretty soon it'll reach the fence."

"We don't know." Author said from behind her. "I can't identify it."

Hermione walked over to some and poked at it with her wand, gave it a sniff, and licked her wand clean. She started giggling. "I'm not surprised you haven't come across this stuff before. It's a muggle food used in Oreo Cookies. I've never seen this much in one place before."

"You mean it's edible?"

The bushy haired girl nodded and took a little more to nibble on. "Really fattening though."

A random Auror, covered in white stuff, came over and pointed towards a house down the block. "Sir, we've managed to contain the baboon, and I think we found Mrs. Dursley." He pointed at a spot a few houses down.

They all turned to gape at a full sized Giraffe eating the top portions of a tree. The thing actually bore quite a resemblance to Harry's Aunt. Its eyes were a little glassy, as if trying to ignore everything going on around her.

The twins broke down laughing at the Leaky Cauldron advertisement hanging off her sides.

oooooooooo

"…and that's everything that's happened since early this morning sir." Kingsley said.

A rather harried looking Dumbledore looked as if he had aged to his true age in the last few hours. Giant cats running through the castle, his office destroyed, the Slytherin common room would take weeks to clean out after all those cats used it as a litter box. "You say Harry turned his relatives into animals?"

"Yes sir, and filled their house and yard with this white stuff used in cookies."

"Anything else?" The old man asked.

"Um, Fudge has completely transformed into a humanoid skunk and every time he opens his mouth he, um…sprays."

"Go on." The weary voice said.

"The captured Death Eaters have now started to fill with air before they fart, making them look like large inflatable balloons. The smell is so bad that half the ministry employees have refused to come back to work. The Death Eaters are begging for death, but we can't get anywhere close to them to even do that."

"I sense more."

"Ah, well the twins have decided to start marketing scaled down versions of Harry's jokes…"

"Oh god, there's more?" Albus was starting to wonder why he got out of bed this morning.

Kingsley gulped. "Um, well the twins have placed a life like Harry Potter sign in their store after everything that happened this morning. They're calling the sign, Prank Lord Potter."

If he hadn't been Albus Dumbledore and a reputation to maintain, he would have spent the next few minutes banging his head against the wall. Where had all his perfect plans to take down Voldemort gone? Why couldn't one stupid little boy do as he was told? Was it to much to ask?

"Um…"

"What?"

"Mrs. Figg wants her cats back in one piece or she says you'll be sorry you ever crossed her."

oooooooooo

To be Continued…

Notes: Eight months of access to some of the rarest magic volumes in the world and Harry is using the knowledge to prank everyone that ever wronged him. That's a hell of a list and Dumbledore's punishment hasn't even begun yet.

I had a completely different chapter written up for this originally, but it was some of the worst stuff I've ever written, it was that bad. Had Harry burning Knockturn ally to the ground and casting an illusion of Umbridge prostrating herself naked above the flames. I'm glad I cut the chapter, some of my worst work. I won't comment on the House elves doing the can can, gay porn, or Avery and sheep.

Er…right.

I'll have more to post in a week or so, I hope.

**Oh, I also encourage anyone to send me their own revenge Jokes, I'll Post them at the end of the a chapter and post your name as the creator. Please no killing, or anything x-rated, but anything goes so long as it's funny. **


	5. The World Shivers in Horror

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRLS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST. 

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.

oooooooooo   
Coven of the Rose   
Chapter 04   
By CRose   
© 2006   
oooooooooo

Plans for revenge swirled through Harry's mind as he sat before the fire rereading a book on rituals. He knew that because of the prophesy that he needed to prepare for his fight with Voldemort. Training he was beginning to realize Dumbledore never gave him.

Supposedly he was ready to fight The Dark Clucker, The Dark Log, or any other name Voldemort wanted to take. Surprisingly Azkaban and the Dementor guards allowed him to understand things on a different level than ever before. Before Azkaban Harry wouldn't have questioned anything Dumbledore told him, just like everyone else.

But now things were rather different. For example, not ten feet away five snakes were playing a rather interesting game of twister. They gave a whole new meaning to 'left hand blue'. This and many other things didn't even cause him to blink anymore, he just accepted it and moved on, or joined in if it looked fun.

He had Rita running scared, Fudge was reaping his reward, and his relatives were at St. Mungos spell reversal area. It would take them most of the week to undo those spells. His Uncle the Baboon was still flinging various items at people. It took them hours to subdue him after he left the yard with over a dozen Aurors chasing after him.

Closing his book, he got up and put it back on the shelf. He figured that he'd read over three quarters of the books available so far. Swishing his robe to the side he moved over to the Book of Knowledge. Even after all this time he couldn't get the book to open. His frustration with was the only reason he hadn't gone and gotten his revenge.

There had to be a way to get into the thing. He was sure it was full of completely delightful spells. He'd figure the password out one of these days, but right then he needed to take care of is next project. With the Dursley's out of the way and safe, so to speak, he didn't need to hold back anymore.

As much as he hated the jerks, he didn't want them dead. Maimed, clawed, paralyzed, and screaming in pain, sure, but not dead. That would be a waste of effort. He pulled his wand out and started pointed it at the floor. The tip flared with bright light and series of symbols and lines started etching themselves into the floor.

He spent the next two hours double checking his rune sets to make sure he wouldn't be killing himself. The ritual he had in mind wasn't that dangerous, but it did have some nasty side effects if everything wasn't perfect. After sweeping the snakes out of the room, he carefully sat down in the middle of the his rune tower and flared his magic.

Back in school he took the time to teach himself the basics of Ancient Runes and Hermione was more than willing to help him study for that. Of course she had no clue that he went far beyond what the school taught. Using his finger, he started to trace runes in the air, each one of them representing an element that would flare with energy and vanish after being drawn.

The very air around him started to hum with powerful magic, but his wards held perfectly. Grinning, he conjured a bowl of warm water and stuck his hands into it. The magic around him flashed into a ball of pure magic and suddenly collapsed backwards right into his body.

Gritting his teeth, he ignored the pain as the ritual started to do what he wanted. He could feel his core altering just slightly and his body filled with power. Sweat glistened on his body as his muscles started to define themselves and strengthen. His eyes flared and started to glow a bright green. By accepting a side effect like that and adding it into the ritual, it made sure something random didn't happen.

Rising gracefully to his feet he looked at the ceiling of the chamber, opened his mouth, and said "Aaarach!"

Magic exploded out of him in a wave of force traveling faster than light as it passed through the walls and crossed the country in under a second. No one would noticed the wave of magic unless they were looking for it. In the Ministry certain employees were hiding under their desks as an alarm went off. No one responded to it though, everyone was still suffering through the flatulence attack.

Deep in the Riddle Forest a little snake head popped out of a bush as the magic wave crossed over. A few seconds later a six foot long snake rose out of the bush with a pair of wings on its back. Its eyes lit up with a green glow that matched Harry's eyes and it vanished with a pop.

Reappearing in front of Harry a few seconds later. "Master." It hissed.

"None of that Master, crap." Harry said in parsletounge.

The snake gave him a weird look. "…"

"Exactly, call me Harry. I've got a little job for you if your up for it."

"Of course…Harry."

Harry grinned. It was so nice to hear a snake call him by name. "Now your unique talents are perfect for this little project. Oh, and what's your name?"

"Qint." The snake hissed.

"Excellent Quint, Now here's what I want you to do." Harry started explaining and it wall all the snake could do not to fall out of the air.

Eyes twinkling, Harry waved as the snake flew off, before walking to the kitchen whistling a little tune. He took a few minutes to drink down a butterbeer, freshly 'borrowed' from a local store, and headed for the potions lab. After his ritual he knew he would need a pain potion within a few hours.

oooooooooo

Harry appeared, his green hooded robe fluttering around him, ominously. A large amount of wind flowed around his body, swirling through out the entire room. Sending everything in sight flying into the air, and this of course caused quite a mess inside the first floor of the Daily Prophet building. Desks were stuck high up in the walls, chairs were hanging from the ceiling, and he'd somehow turned every bit of loose paper in the room into a giant ball of wet soggy paper.

He looked around at the giant mess, slowly stepping over overturned desks. "Oops."

"Of all the people to make my life a living hell, these bastards are one of the top five bastards." He muttered to himself and smirking evilly as several plans whirled around inside his head.

With a wave of his new wand, the paper ball started reshaping itself into a giant paper terrier squatting over the head editor's desk. As an after thought, he created several large wet paper balls and let them fall on the desk to make it a little more real.

He nodded, that was much better. Hissing a couple of Parsletounge spells, he sent beams of green colored magic into the walls and ceiling. He walked gracefully over to the stairs and up to the next level. The Daily Prophet building was five levels and hidden from sight, even among the wizarding world. They had this reputation for pissing off certain people and it was bad for business if they could find the building to complain.

It hadn't been to hard to find the building though, a little trip an employee's home, stun a few hundred dogs sitting outside, and then take a stroll through a certain someone's mind. It only took him ten minutes find the location. Rita really was a lying deceitful hag, but dam could she dance!

He started cackling, but pulled himself together before he started in on a trademark laugh of evil. That was only for his final revenge.

From there he headed up to the second floor, after double checking his first floor spell work, and filled her office doggy biscuits, charmed with a preservative of course, she had a lot of dogs to take care of. He took a few seconds to cackle again. It was high pitched and giggly.

From there he wandered from office to office on the second floor and set up a lot of WWW joke products. The rest of the employees hadn't pissed him off yet, so they just got he playful inconvenient stuff. Except this one guy named Ron Wesley, his name was to much like the traitors, so he turned his office doorway into a portal. The instant the man walked into his room, he'd find himself in the bathroom of a gay bar down in lower London.

A little while later, after deciding not to turn the potted plants into something of the tentacle variety, he found their files on the third floor. Filled with back issues and everything else they had collected over the years. Shrinking charms had been used quite extensively and all of it was black mail material! He refrained from cackling again or he felt he'd start coughing again.

He banished all the filing cabinets to his new home and took a few minutes to fill the whole floor with a coal dust, and then conjured a little bow for decoration. It was a present after all to such swell people and they wouldn't be able to just banish it away either. It'd give the people that worked here something constructive to clean up instead of wasting their time with the paper.

Now all he came here for was the files, but there were two more floors left in the building. Giggling, he strolled up to the forth floor and had to stop for a second just to figure out what, the hell, he was looking at. Like the third floor, it was one giant open space. Instead of being filled with offices or anything like that, he found himself looking at a spa, hot tub, about two hundred house elves in cages along the far wall, and a security guard skinny dipping in the pool.

Harry shook his head, but the image stayed the same. Two hundred pairs of eyes turned to look at him from the cages as he walked across the room. The elves were in very bad shape, nearly starved to death, covered in whip marks, and shaking in fear as they looked at him.

His eyes flared with green fire. "No, no, this won't do at all. Just when I think I might have seen the worst of the wizarding world I have to run across something like this? No, I don't think so."

A quick examination showed that all the cages were magic dampeners to keep the elves in line when no one was there. His wand extended and turned into his staff as he turned away and walked over to the pool. The guard, at least that's who he thought the guy was, his robe was folded up neatly on a chair nearby, appeared to be sleeping on the bottom of the pool.

That explained why he hadn't heard him laughing a few minutes earlier. It only took a second to confirm that the guy was breathing through gills a set of gills at the base of his neck. Growling, he pointed the staff at the man and it elongated, wrapped itself around his neck, and yanked him to the surface almost instantly. Grabbing him by the neck and letting his wand return to normal he held the man in the air with little effort.

"Hi, I'm Harry, will you be my little plaything tonight?"

The man, completely naked, screamed like little girl and burst into tears as Harry's glowing eyes bored into his mind. "Mr. Potter, please…we can make a deal…"

Looking completely insane, Harry cocked his head to side and opened his eyes wide. The effect was really creepy as he slowly grinned. "No, No I don't think I want to make a deal. I'll just 'play' with you instead."

The man whimpered and started shaking.

"You see I've got certain standards that I live by and slavery, abuse, and torture aren't included in that at all. Yet I arrive here and I find all these poor creatures scared out of their minds just from looking at me? No, I don't think that can go unrewarded."

"Creatures, wha…"

Harry squeezed the man's neck a little, cutting off his air for a second before relaxing. "Now, pal, where is the key to unlock those cages. I have a use for two hundred house elves."

"I can't give…gasp, chock, gargle…"

Yawning, Harry relaxed his grip again and the man gasped for air. "Now I don't think you heard me. Where is the key or whatever unlocks those cages?"

"Password is Print Time, Get to Work." The guard gargled out.

Harry let go of the man and silently transfigured him into an Otter. For some reason he was thinking of Hermione as he turned back to the cages. The elves were still staring at him, though this time there was less fear than before. He tapped the first cage he came to and said the password.

Every door sprang open. "I'd like to talk to all of you."

"Who is you, I is Scar?" asked one House elf.

"Harry Potter."

The elves all gasped.

He smirked and folded his arms. "I'd like all of you to work for me. I'll treat you well and you will be treated fairly. No torture or anything else."

"House elves do job, we is required. No matter the conditions."

"True, but if you come with me you can get a bit of revenge on the wizarding world by helping me."

Over half the house elves suddenly surrounded him and started nodding. Slowly in ones and two the rest started to join the others. In a few minutes only Scar was left. "This only home Scar know."

"I'll give you a better less dangerous life."

"A-alright."

"I'll bond all of you once we get back to my hide out. It's really nifty and we can make changes to accommodate all of you."

"Bring cages." Scar suggested.

"No." Harry snapped.

"Yes Master."

"Call me Harry. Now how about we have a little fun?"

The elves all looked excited and started hopping around. Harry started to explain what he had in mind and elves quickly got to work. The next few hours were impossible to describe as the elves took the time to do some serious spell work throughout the building.

Harry watched them intently and for the first time in almost half an hour, started cackling like a mad man. This only made the Otter swim to the bottom corner of the pool and cower in fear. Even in his new form he could feel a massive amount of magic filling the whole building.

He could see his year end bonus flying out the window. And why, for the love of all that's decent, was Potter having the house elves making a giant effigy of Minister Fudge and Umbridge? Now the House Elves were racing around repainting the whole place.

oooooooooo

"Um…sir?" The Auror said.

Kingsley looked up from a giant stack of paper work. "Yes."

"Um, well…Potter seems to have struck again."

"Who?"

"Um, Potter, short kid, messy hair, been tormenting people for over a week now?"

"No, who did he get." Kingsley grunted.

"Well right now Rita Skeeter is dancing on the roof of her house, in her knickers, doing what one of the Muggleborns Aurors calls the Truffle Shuffle. It's like a lude form of whip and belly shaking."

Kingsley pulled a bottle of Firewiskey out of his desk and took a long drink from the half full bottle. He shuddered and nodded. "Has anyone been able to get her down?"

"No sir, we can't get close to the house. Though, a couple of the men, have started to throw Knuts down her cleavage."

What the hell was Potter doing to people. "Is there spell or something in fluencing them?"

"No sir, they just don't like her."

"Why can't you get to her?"

"Ah, the whole front yard has become a moat filled with this really smelly cheese. At least that's what we think it is. Oh, and there are about three hundred dogs running around the area as well. They seem to be drinking out of the moat as well." He added as an after thought.

"Right."

"We could stun her, sir."

Kingsley shook his head. "That might not be a good idea. You know how Mrs. Skeeter tends to write those scathing stories about anyone that gets on her bad side."

"Ah, we could kill her? The sight of her wiggling up there is giving the older neighbors a rather good laugh."

"Tempting, but, no."

The Auror shrugged. "This is the second time she's been attacked by Potter, any idea why?"

"Nope, let's just hope it's not anything we have to worry about."

"I doubt that sir. Not after we had to spend three days casting silencing and air fresh charms throughout the cell blocks."

"At least that has calmed down."

Suddenly the fire place flared to green and a man's head formed out of green flames. "Help Me!"

They looked at the man. "Hello Mr. Rich, what can the Aurors do for the Daily Prophet."

"The whole building has been wrecked!" The man started babbling faster than Kingsley could keep up.

"Sir, I'll have some men there in a few minutes. Can you give me any details?"

Mr. Rich took a few calming breaths. "Well, the first floor is full of paper dogs shitting paper balls all over the floor, including this huge one, it's at least ten feet high and tries to squat over any one that enters the building. The damn thing is magic resistant. Even a reducto won't dent the blasted thing. We have a paper to print!"

"Does Rita Skeeter still work for you by any chance?"

The man blinked as his rant was interrupted. "Well yes, her articles usually increase sales by thirty percent or more. She just draws in business with every story she writes."

"Well Potter got to her last night at some point and Pranked her. We just found out about it a few minutes ago, so Potter might have gone to her place…"

"P-Potter did this?" The man screamed, in excitement. He yanked his head out of the fire and they heard him yelling at various reporters to start taking everything down and lots of pictures before the network closed.

"Now I've got an even worse feeling about this whole situation, sir."

Kingsley nodded. "Harry isn't killing, that's the only good thing to come out of this Prank Lord Potter business so far. It's just making out lives a living hell, which is the whole point I expect."

"Orders sir?"

"You'd better find a way to get Rita down."

"Yes sir."

Standing up, Kingsley made sure his wand holster was in place and headed out of the office. "I'll head over to the Daily Prophet building, I think I recall where it is."

Several minutes later Kingsley arrived at the Daily Prophet and found out that it was worse than he thought. Hundreds of employees had shown up for work, only to find the building changed. He looked up and saw that the first floor was now the forth floor. When had it rearranged itself?

Every window was a different color, blue, green, red, yellow, pink, puce, and dozens of others. Little paper air planes were dive bombing people on the street, firing something that changed the color of their robes and hair where the magic hit.

The fifth floor was now the second floor. That roof wasn't supporting the rest of the building very well either, it was a hell of a magical prank though. Just like something Potter would pull off. Then he noticed that the third floor was actually full of water, making the walls bulge out and little streams of water spraying out.

Worst of all, was the fifth floor, or above what was now the roof. Fire works were firing into the air, exploding and forming into various people shapes. He recognized one of a Goblin, it was humping building for several shocking minutes before it dissipated. Then Rita and her Truffle Shuffle, a truly horrifying sight. Dumbledore offering the world a lemon drop, complete with a word balloon.

"Ah, Kingsley, I see you showed up."

He turned and nodded. "Hello Mr. Rich."

"It rearranged itself after we started taking pictures, it keeps posing. Even got one where it tries to look sexy. It didn't work with that giant paper dog though. It dropped a load right out it's eye. Poor Purkle, he's never going to be quite the same after this."

"Potter seems to dislike you guys."

Rich nodded. "We've been a little critical of him in the past."

"Right, I believe you called him An Attention Seeking Dark Wizard with Delusions of Competence during his trial."

He coughed. "Something like that, yes. Nothing to get mad over though."

"I believe that was your best selling paper in the last decade."

"Yep, we had an eighty percent gain in profits that day."

"I don't see how there's anything the ministry can do about this." Kingsley waved at the chaos. Why was there an Otter hanging out a window trying to wave at people?

"You damn well better!" Rich yelled.

"What would you have me do?" Kingsley gaped as a giant fire work monkey started climbing the building and swatting at paper airplanes swarming around him. It reached the top and stood up straight. Reaching down out of sight it pulled out a top hat and a cane and started dancing happily.

'Hello my Baby! Hello my Darling…'

"This just gets better and better and I can't get the paper out because he's messed with the whole building! Aaaaaaagh! It's not fair!"

"Potter isn't fair."

"I believe that's the whole point." Kingsley muttered. He'd have to call out a team from the Unspeakable department for this. It was to big for the usual people to handle. He was starting to understand how Potter won the Tri-Wizard's Tournament a couple years back.

Suddenly the world shifted and every living thing within two hundred feet of the building became a little long haired Yorkie. Barking filled the square as everyone started to panic and run around. Complete chaos ensued!

Kingsley-Yorkie suddenly hoped Rita Skeeter didn't suddenly show up! "Bark ark Bark ark!"

oooooooooo

Two hundred House Elves, that was quite a few house elves. Harry decided to have them expand his cave/house into something much better over then next few days. The elves needed something to do and he had no intention of doing it by himself. He had some studying to do after all. By the end of the week the cave was gone and good sized magical manor had taken its place.

He found out that the whole place was already on Unplottable land so he didn't have to worry about anyone finding the now visible house. The grounds were quite well done and the elves were keeping very busy. As the second week rolled around he was organizing the elves into teams of ten and sending them out to do simple prank attacks on people.

Nothing direct, but over the course of the next month Hogwarts became Glow in the Dark, the quiddich field now had a little arrow that followed the snitch all over the field, and he had the burrow turned bright pink from the tip of it's off center roof to the ground. His Uncle became a Hippo, Dudley turned into a sperm whale, and his Aunt returned to normal, except she was now black. The doctors had to sedate her to keep the screaming down.

The roof of the twins joke shop soon acquired a giant inflatable house elf that wandered around the roof and mooned anyone that came in. The twins were delighted and had little miniature ones made up and couldn't stop giggling as the days passed. By the end of the month Harry finally managed to get a handle on things and let the elves do as they wanted, which set off a kind of rebellion among the elves.

They weren't quite sure how to take a direct order of 'Go have fun and prank as many people as you can without being caught'. By that time he had all the House Elves wearing mini green robes with hoods, masks, and a carrying a prank pouch. They pulled off some things even he hadn't though of. With their identity hidden by the robes, they became completely different beings.

They turned all of Hogs meed into a giant twister tournament that lasted for half a day and everyone in town had to play. Cho won eventually, proving that was the most flexible girl in town and earned herself pair of fine woolen socks. Rumor had it that Dobby had picked the prize.

Dobby had shown up about a week before with is own homemade green, pink, blue, orange, and yellow prank robe. Of course Harry recognized him the instant he latched onto his leg and started calling him The great Prank Lord Harry Potter at the top of his lungs.

Once that was settled Harry sent the elves off to play while headed to the library. He was a bit surprised several minutes later when he took a few minutes before his nightly bath to examine the Book of Knowledge and found that this time he could open the book.

The first pages were accessible. Pages one and two were an explanation of the book and how, even though it was over a thousand pages, it was only showing one tenth of its true size. As he advanced his skills and took an oath to use his skills for the light, he would gain more and more access to the book over the next few months.

Harry had to think about it for several minutes as he considered his recent actions. He realized that he was still firmly light side, it was only the people he trusted that turned their backs on him. He took the oath provided and felt the magic connect with his core.

After glowing for several seconds, words started filling up the provided pages and sat down to read. Three hours later he came to the end of the last page. He stepped back to think. That hadn't been what he expected, the book wasn't just a spell book, it was an everything book.

Even stranger it was a dedicated history book that detailed everything that had happened starting five thousand years ago. It shouldn't have taken that long to read either. Something about the book allowed it to put more information on the page than could bee seen. It also sent him into a trance so he could read it without stopping. He still couldn't believe what he'd just learned either.

How the first magic user came about and how he acted because of it, his ups and downs, his fall to the dark side, and everything in between. Every fifth page was a spell for him to learn. It was a lot of information to take in, but that didn't bother him in the least. It would take quite a while to read a book like this as well.

Turing towards the bathroom, Harry stopped in mid step as one of his snakes entered the room and glared at him as only a snake could. Of course it could have been the sharp looking bow tie the thing was wearing, or that it started spinning like a little propeller as Harry stood there staring at the thing.

The snake gave him the Glare of Death, bared his fangs, and hissed.

"I'll ask the elves to leave you alone."

"You'd better, or I'll bite you." Several nearby snakes, also wearing weird bits of clothing, nodded in unison.

oooooooooo

To be Continued…

Notes: Ah, the Truffle Shuffle, made famous in the movie The Goonies. I'd love to post a link to ol'Chunk going at it, but we all know that's impossible with the current ffnet set up on the site.

This was a bit of a random chapter that just kind of evolved. Harry's pranks won't really hurt anyone physically, but that won't stop him from taking things to the next level. I was originally going to have him charm the next day's paper to print the story of his innocence, no matter what the paper said originally. That turned into this chapter. I don't know if I like this one or not to be truthful, but I'll let it stand for now.

What do you think of Harry's army of prankster house elves? Heh, the idea just came to me as I was writing this. Though next chapter I think it's time for Harry to hit a Death Eater, those flatulence cursed DE's just need some company in their misery. I'll also be expanding some of the very loose plot as well.

And poor Rita got hit again.

:D


	6. Shh, I'm Hunting Death Eaters

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRRELS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST. THE SQUIRRLES ARE REBELLING…RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES… 

AGHAAAAAAAAA!

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.

oooooooooo   
Coven of the Rose   
Chapter 05 - Shhh I'm Hunting Death Eater  
By CRose   
© 2006   
oooooooooo

A glance at the clock told Hermione that it was nearly eleven at night. For the last few weeks she hadn't gotten much sleep. She couldn't help wondering what Harry was doing with himself these days. There wasn't a day that went by lately where a large scale prank didn't go off somewhere. For the most part she didn't know what to think of his actions.

On one level she thought he was being immature and yet amazed that he wasn't hurting people. Dumbledore had promised that Harry wouldn't be in Azkaban longer than a month. That lie was proven when he stopped talking about Harry all together after people started questioning his motives for leaving there month after month.

It was always 'We need to wait' or 'Harry will take down Voldemort' and Hermione was sick of hearing about it. Even worse, Ron Weasley seemed to have convinced himself that Harry deserved to stay in Azkaban for some reason. She just didn't understand how someone could abandon a friendship after knowing someone for nearly six years.

Of course she had her theories, but she didn't want to even think about them. As a Muggle born witch she learned by the end of her third year that racism ran deep in the Wizarding World at large, especially among the Pure Blood families. Poor, Rich, or anything else a certain amount of contempt resided in them all when it came to Half Blood and Muggle Borns.

Sitting on a shelf on the other side of the room was her pensive. She was proud that she was able to make one on her own with no help from anyone. Of course she would have bought one, but after she graduated most of the stores in Diagon Alley closed their doors to her. Putting up wards to keep her, or any other Muggle Born, out of their shops.

This astounding action was completely ignored by the Ministry of Magic and her complaint was burned and trashed before she even left the office she was sent to. This was the world that Dumbledore wanted Harry to save? She couldn't event get a job at any of the places she wanted to work. They only hired Pure Bloods to keep 'filth' like herself from ruining their society. One old fart even had the balls to tell her that she would be better off leaving the wizarding world all together.

Dumbledore ignored these actions. Pretending they didn't even happen. Hermione sighed as she glanced out the window. She absently noted that a wizard in a green cloak was standing under the street light down below looking at her house. If that wasn't bad enough, if she didn't find a wizarding job soon she would be forced to ask her parents for help.

She didn't want to do that. They had supported her for so long that she wanted to help them out for a change. Now that she thought about it, most of the people in the wizarding world never mentioned if they were Half Blood or Muggle Born. Instead they just did their jobs and kept their heads down. The Pure Bloods on the other hand would always shove that little fact down anyone's throat.

No matter how she looked at it, she was in deep trouble…she blinked as her mind finally processed what she spotted a few seconds before. Jumping up, she took a better look out the window and saw that the man in the green cloak was gone. In his place was a little cage sitting on the ground next to the street light. Reaching out with her magic she could sense several wards around the box to keep people away from it.

Standing up, she made sure her pajamas were in place as she vaulted down the stairs, through the living room, and out the front door. In her wake, her parents stuck their heads out of their bedroom door and wondered what was going on. She raced out to the street and spotted the box. It was wrapped in silver wrapping paper with little cartoon stags staring at her dolefully.

A little tag her name on it with a smiley face drawn beside that.

She paled a little bit as her brain reminded her that Harry and his elves wore green cloaks. Even Fred and George had one in their closet these days. Special ordered from a tiny little store at the far corner of Diagon Alley that did specialized work. She stared at the package and realized that she was scared to even touch it.

Pulling her wand, her hand shaking, she cast about a dozen detection spells. As far as she could tell the box was shrunken and had several basic spells on it. Just like one would find for a birthday or Christmas present. The wards were around the box now that she took a closer look and kept anyone but her from seeing the box at all. She could strip naked and stand there in the middle of a crowd and no one would know.

She giggled and shook her head as she put her want away. With careful movements she picked the box up and hoped it didn't blow up in her face. She still hadn't figured out how Harry was able to do things he never learned in school, but just the fact that he could do them, made her very wary. Turning around, she quickly made her way back into the house.

oooooooooo

A figure stood beside a tree blending into the shadows around him perfectly. He ware a black robe and a white death mask. From his position he could see everything that happened at the Granger residence. For the last six months his Master had him watching the house for anything out of the ordinary. Watching the Mudblood cunt walk out of the house and vanish from sight under a street light was strange enough that he should report it.

Pulling his wand, he prepared to apperated out when something caught his eye. Turning his head, he found himself staring into a floating ball with several attachments on it. It was just a little bigger than an Bludger and it appeared to be looking at him. He could feel something from it, but he couldn't tell just what it might be.

"What the hell?"

Making a metallic humming sound, the ball slowly started to circle him, always keeping a circular piece of glass pointed at his head. The death eater raised his wand to hit it with a blasting curse when he heard a second one coming in his direction. Suddenly there weren't two of them, but a dozen, all of them circling him like vultures getting ready for the kill. He broke into a run, moving down the block. He couldn't apperated under pressure.

The hovering balls all turned in his direction and like a swarm of over sized bees, followed him as he ran. He failed to hear the faint 'pop' or see the little green cloaked elf next to the bush. Seconds later the street lit up with a bright flash of red light as all the floating balls fired a spell at the death eater. He wasn't able to dodge as they struck him.

For a split second he felt the world slow to a crawl and then his body seemed to slowly melt away into nothing but bits of white light. The elf snapped its fingers and all the hovering balls vanished. Nodding in satisfaction, a pair of glowing green eyes flared underneath the hood of the cloak as the elf vanished. In his wake something very odd happened.

Harry wasn't sure he needed to 'punish' the muggles for his troubles, but several of his victims lived in the muggle world. So the elves were told to stir things up a bit, mix things around, and have fun. Elves being rather literal at the best of times, took this to mean that every car in the neighborhood should be moved around.

A random bit of hide and seek.

Just to put his stamp on the prank, Harry had them repaint the cars in random colors. Once that was done had all the street names changed to give directions to the nearest bathroom and nodded in satisfaction. He glanced back down the street at Hermione's house. After listening to her stick up for him at one of the Order meetings and even quit them, he figured he might as well talk to her. Of course he needed to prank her first.

Fred and George would be proud. He snickered a little as he saw a burst of magic light up her room and Tom Jones music filled the air with his seductive baritone.

"Harry Potter!" Hermione screamed.

Of course she might have been yelling about the blue hair, blue lipstick, blue eyes, and a pair of those springy alien antenna wobbling back and forth. Or how he just turned Crookshanks glow in the dark green. Really, he just couldn't figure out just which one could have caused her to yell out like that. Really, he just wasn't sure, there were just to many possibilities.

Heh.

oooooooooo

A few minutes after leaving Hermione's house, he figured she'd find the port key in the box on her own eventually, he appeared in the trees behind a house on the outskirts of a little village. For once he didn't make a sound as he appeared, instead he popped into existence with all the grace of a platypus and performed a perfect face plant into ground.

He groaned.

Jumping back to his feet, Harry adjusted his green cloak and glanced around. Acquiring that death eater earlier had proven useful. While he didn't know any plans specific to Voldemort himself, the man was a mine of little facts. Like how Lucius Malfoy liked Haggis, or how Goyle picked his nose, or Snape who liked to temporary sex change potions and frequent muggle bars.

Such a naughty man. Harry giggled as he turned to look at the house beyond the trees. It was brown, like a giant turd. Pure Bloods were just so hard to understand sometimes. Of course Harry was sure it probably smelled just as bad inside considering it was one of the houses where victims were kept before they were taken to the Dark Porker.

Several silent pops filled the nearby bushes and a dozen green cloaked house elves rolled out of the bushes. They formed up around Harry's legs. He glanced down and tilted his head towards the house. "Any ideas before we head inside?"

Scar still couldn't get over a human asking him for an opinion, but that didn't stop him from answering. "Perhaps we should scout the place first?"

"An excellent idea, I was just going to kick the door down."

The elves just stood there.

"I've never done it before, but it looked so easy on those TV programs my cousin used to watch." Harry muttered to himself.

As he stood there looking around a tree, the back door opened, causing all of them to freeze in place, as a familiar face stepped outside. Harry narrowed his eyes as Victor Krum lit up a cigarette and spent several minutes smoking. It only took a second for Harry to remember how Krum had used the Crucio curse on whatshername, the French chick.

"Scar, you and your team are ready?"

"Yes sir."

"Sic'em!" He hissed, pointing at Krum.

Scar turned to his team. "Plan Delancing3."

They nodded, adjusted their green robes and vanished with a pop. Harry watched the scene, even stepping into sight beside the tree where Victor could see him. It actually took him seconds to even register that Harry was there, then his eyes widened, his jaw dropped, and six howling house elves fell upon him like the wrath of God.

Before Victor could even move, he was fighting off the elves, one on each leg, one on his back, each arm, and Scar on his head trying to bite his nose off. Suddenly the elves started popping around the yard faster than even Harry could watch. Once Victor was pinned to the ground, Harry strolled over and looked him over.

"It came as quite a surprise to me when I found out that House elves are kind of like ants. They can lift over a hundred times their own body weight without magic." Harry said mildly.

"H-Harry…"

One of the elves kicked him just below the ribs. This nearly lifted Krum off the ground and Harry heard a rib break. "Quiet!"

Thump, thump! Scar banged Victor's head on the ground a couple of times and nearly knocked loose a couple of teeth.

"Now Vicky, I don't have time to play with you right now, but my elves need a new playmate, the last one didn't really last." Harry giggled a little.

Krum paled a little. That giggled wasn't a sound a sane man would make under any circumstances. With a little pop, he found himself in a tiny room with now windows or a door. The elves were gone though so he breathed a sigh of relief. There was a chance he would survive the day after all. Then the ceiling lifted up, revealing it was a lid, and Victor could only do one thing. It was the fattest, ugliest, woman he'd ever seen in his life.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"Wook at da widdle man!" She cooed and batted her eyes as she reached for little Victor.

The nightmare was just beginning.

Back at the house, Harry was surprised that no one had come out of the house with all that noise. Didn't they know he was here? He was Harry Potter, death eater hater, the boy-who-would-kick-their-asses, pudding lover! Stomping his foot, he headed for the house to get his answers, only to bounce off a ward wall a couple feet from the house.

He collapsed into the dirt with groan. "I hate wards."

His remaining elves helped him back to his feet as he took a minute to poke the ward a few times with his finger. They seemed to have created a Harry Potter Ward to keep him out of the house. How bothersome. Pulling his wand, he touched the ward and gave it a massive burst of focused magical energy. His grin spread across his face as it shattered like glass. With a wave of his hand the house elves swarmed around him and into the house at a run, their little green robes billowing behind them.

Harry hadn't had the heart to tell them that they looked like little walking fart machines. Giggling some more, he strolled into the house and looked around. The place appeared to be empty, but he was sure there was more than just Vicky hanging around the place. The Dark Lunchenloaf always had his followers work in teams of two to six people.

"Death muncher! Here death munchers! I got a little treat for you!" Harry called. "It's brown and a little sticky!"

Expanding his magic out he started to use a new magic sensing skill he'd read about the day before. He wasn't sure what he was sensing, but there was a massive amount of magic down in the basement. Eyes glowing, he pulled his hood up and walked over to the door. It looked normal enough, but it was covered in charms.

"Ha!" Harry yelled as he gave the door a solid kick. Just like he'd seen on TV.

Groaning in pain, he fell over holding his ankle in pain. "Owie! Owie! Owie!"

Harry was starting to think that all this physical stuff just wasn't for him. For a second he considered kidnapping his cousin, the Sperm Whale, from the local aquarium, but didn't feel like reversing his long term enchantments. Shrugging, he climbed back to his feet and hit the door with a blasting curse. It exploded into a hale of splinters.

Green light started shining up the stairs from the basement below. Eyes glowing again, he floated down the stairs without touching them. Once at the bottom, he surveyed the area. At some point someone that turned it into a large potions lab. Several potions were in the process of destroying themselves too. Harry ignored them as he explored around the room.

There wasn't anyone down here either. Where the hell was a death eater when he wanted one, damn it! They were as bad as cops, only showing up when you were in the shower or in bed with a hooker. Grumbling under his breath, and wondering if he should go find a hooker, Harry noticed a small door at the back of the room.

This one was open and led into a small alcove full of books. Frowning, he waved his wand at them and muttered a long Latin incantation. All the books glowed for a second and Harry nodded and walked out. From there he failed to find any death eaters as he finished searching the room, even looking in a cabinets.

Pop!

He turned to see Scar. "Find anything?"

"Yes sir, we found a hidden room."

"Any idea what's in there?"

"We couldn't get in, but we think it might be the prisoner room."

Harry nodded. "Have the team go over this room if they haven't done so already. Don't touch the books back there."

"Yes sir." Scar gave a nod.

Once he was upstairs, Harry took a second to look around. Three of his elves were standing in front of a blank wall. From the placement of the other three doors it was obvious that a door was missing. Taking a wide step to the left, he tapped the wall with his wand. With a groan the wall slowly collapsed dumped a naked teenage girl at his feet.

Of course, when your face is hidden in the shadows of a hood and your eyes are glowing like two little red suns, one doesn't look friendly. The girl screamed and fainted before he could even ask her if she was a little cold. With lungs like that she was perfectly fine as far as he was concerned. He poked his head into the room and spotted an older couple and two other girls of varying ages.

The man tried to look threatening, but that's a little hard to do when your naked. Harry levitated the girl at his feet back into the room. "Sorry to interrupt, but I'm looking for death eaters, the morons in the black robes? I owe them an ass kicking, I made a promise."

"We don't know anything." The man snapped.

Harry waved his wand at the family and they were all dressed in leotards, blue for the man, pink for the girls. "There, don't say I never gave you anything."

Spinning on his heel, Harry stalked out of the room. He was starting to get a little irritated. That hooker idea was starting to look promising. He poked his head back into the room. "I don't suppose one of you is a hooker?"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! The older woman screamed.

"Geeze, just asking." Harry grumbled. "If you're not a hooker, then you can go home. You don't have anything I need."

"WHAT!"

Ignoring them, Harry headed downstairs as the family ran down stairs, out the door, and vanished into the night. The teenage girl took a second to give him a wink before she left the house though. Once they were gone Harry sat down in a chair at the table. He was bored and he wasn't going to leave until a death eater came in and that was all there was to it.

Getting up he wandered into the kitchen and raided the fridge. Mmmm, fried chicken, KFC style to boot. Maybe his day was looking up after all. He'd smelled KFC before, but never actually tasted any of it. The Dursley's used to buy it just to torment him with the smell and Dudley's near orgasmic experience with the potatoes.

He was on his second chicken leg several minutes later, just taking a bite, when a man and a woman appeared in the front room. Harry wasn't to surprised that they were in death eater robes. He smirked around the chicken leg as he realized that they were facing away from him. He pulled his hood up and turned invisible.

The man said something to the woman before turning around. He looked at the mess on the table and frowned, glaring at all four corners of the room. "That idiot Krum made another mess."

"Now Avery, we finally got him to start eating his foot with utensils. We have to be patient, he is a savage after all."

"We should have just killed him when the Master recruited him."

The woman snorted and waved her wand at the table, cleaning it instantly. "Now you know those potions that he drinks keep him sane."

"From the smell of things he won't be sane for long." Avery grumbled as he sniffed the air.

"Do you think he might need help?"

"Let him suffer. It's his own problem."

The woman, who Harry didn't even recognize, shook her head and started pulling off her robe as she walked over to the stairs. "You check on his potions and see if you can save any of them, I'm going to get cleaned up."

"Yeah, whatever." Avery grumbled as he walked over to the basement door. Or where the basement door used to be. He stopped and stared stupidly at the stairs covered in tooth pick sized bits of wood all the way down to the floor. "What the hell? VICTOR!" Avery screamed in anger. "Get over here!"

"Avery! The prisoners are gone!"

"WHAT!"

Harry yawned as they started running through the house trying to figure out what was going on. The woman suddenly touched one of the stairs the step gave a little twist, sending her tumbling forward, right into Avery. They collapsed to the floor with several rather verbal cuss words. Harry flicked his wand the whole first floor filled with smoke.

"What the heck?" Avery grumbled as he started untangling the woman's leg from around his neck. He tossed her to the side.

Harry almost snorted at the scene. He considered just casting a spell on them and leaving, but that just wouldn't be fun. "What should I do with the two of you?"

"Who's there? I'll kill you and rip your spine from your body." Avery snarled, yanking his wand out. He glared as he tried to look through the smoke.

"Ow!" The woman said. Harry still didn't know who she was.

He appeared beside the woman and looked her over. She had a nice body, long dirty blonde hair, and was just old enough to start showing her age. "Who are you?"

She gaped up at him. "Potter!"

"No, I'm Potter, who are you?"

She pulled her wand out in a flash. "Avada Kedavara!"

Harry twisted to the side and let the spell fly harmlessly into the ceiling, where it exploded, and rained dust and debris down on Avery. Who was just standing there gapping at him like a fish. With a sigh he kicked the wand out of her hand fired a spell into her chest. She was still staring at where her wand fell when her body gave a little twitch and she shrank down into a platypus.

"Qurack!"

"Nora!" Avery yelled.

"Ah, a name!" Harry declared as he leaned back to dodge another Avada Kedavara curse.

With a wave of his hand Harry sent Avery flying across the room. "Did you know that was one of the first spells every created? It's called the Push and Throw spell. Of course, Oooker the Creator, didn't seem to have the ability to name things. Of course this was ten thousand years ago, so I'm not to surprised by it." Harry lectured.

Avery rolled to his feet and suddenly transformed into a large sheep with horns. He charged at Harry with a loud Baaa sound. For a second all Harry could do was gape at the man's animagus form. Thinking on the fly, Harry used a quick levitation charm to send the sheep flying into the wall, where it's horns got stuck in the wood.

"Heh, keep hanging around." Harry quipped and giggled a little.

"Baaaah! Qurack rack!" The pair yelled.

"Oh, didn't I tell you? You can't change back. That would make things fair and I just can't have that at all. You have things I want to know." Harry's eyes gleamed as he slinked over to the platypus. "Now let's play a little game. I ask a question and you think about the answer and I'll read your mind! Won't this be fun!"

He giggled again and the platypus tried to edge away from him. "No, no running away. We have so much to talk about. Like Voldemort, Tom Riddle, or the Green Skinned Weirdo! Which ever name you like the most."

"Now my dear Norma, Nancy, Nelly, or whatever in the hell your name is. Are you a hooker?" Harry took it as a no when she tried to use her beak to bit his hand off while quacking and thumping him with her tail.

"Okay, okay, sheesh! You don't have to blow your top. A simple no would work." Tossing the platypus over his shoulder, he ignored the sound of something fragile and expensive in the background as he wandered over to the still struggling sheep. It started trying to give him the 'evil eye' but Harry didn't seem to notice.

He gave the sheep a poke and it suddenly had blue wool. "I know your depressed, but that's no reason to be so blue." He started giggling again. "Now what should I do with you? I was thinking of torturing you, maybe with fire and acid, but that's just so boooring."

"Baaah?"

"You have a point, sir! I could use magic, but after you've been tortured by the Green Skinned Weirdo there's just nothing I can do to break you and get information." Harry said sadly. "Unless you would like to volunteer some answers." He asked hopefully."

"Bah!"

"That's what I thought you would say." Harry said with an exaggerated nod and a grin. "So, for now, you can hang around, and I'll finish eating that delightful chicken in the fridge!"

The sheep sweatdropped. An amazing feat for a sheep, really, but what really impressed Harry was the platypus performing a flying leap off the table and tackling him. They rolled across the floor and down the stairs into the basement. The knife it held in it's beak was quite a surprise, but at least it wasn't a switch blade. A certain rabbit would have killed them both for that.

"Qurack! Wrack!" Norleen quacked around the knife as she held it against his throat.

"I don't suppose we could talk about this?" Harry asked.

She gave a negative quack.

"Fine, fine, just thought I'd ask." Harry said and wondered what she would do next. He could hear Sheep-Avery scrambling to free himself upstairs. "He won't have much luck freeing himself it that's what your waiting for."

"Qurack?"

"I glued his horns to the wall when he wasn't paying attention."

The platypus eyes narrowed.

Harry grabbed its tail and animal went flying again.

Thump. "Qurack (groan…)"

Sitting up, Harry decided that the death eater was going to be a problem after all. In a small annoying way that a mosquito was annoying. Raising his wand, he aimed it at her for a precise shot. "I'm sorry about this, but well, you're annoying."

The whole house shuddered a few seconds later, smoke billowed out of the basement doorway, merging with the dissipating smoke from earlier. Harry stumbled out waving a hand in front of him as he coughed. He patted the sheep on the back as he walked by and stepped out side for a minute to catch his breath. "Uh, not gonna do THAT again."

He nodded for good measure before he went back inside. "Still depressed I see."

"Bhaaah!"

"Don't' cuss at me, I can't understand a word your saying!" Harry snapped, paused for a second, and flipped the couch over for no reason. "That'll teach you."

He then threw a table chair out one of the windows. "That's surprisingly calming, I wonder what a second story window would be like?"

Pop. "Sir."

"Ah, Scar, what can I do for you?"

"I was to remind the Master that you were on a time limit tonight."

"I was?"

The elf nodded.

"I'm drawing a blank. What was I expecting?"

"The Granger girl."

Harry blinked. "Didn't I already punish her?"

"And you left her that portkey, sir."

"Oh yeah." Harry thumped his fist into his palm and looked enlightened. "What was I going to do with her again?"

"Talk to her sir."

"I was?"

"Yes sir."

"Whatever for?"

"You didn't tell me sir."

"Well alright, but I'm gonna have to do something about this memory problem of yours." Harry said as he transformed his wand into a staff.

The elf gave him a queer look and vanished with a pop.

"Now you sir, are in luck, it seems I have something else to do so this will have to be quick. I hate not having time to plan ahead."

"Bhaahaah!"

"Once you get free, whatever you do, DON'T GO DOWN STAIRS, got me? Good."

Seconds later bright white light started steaming out of the windows for nearly five minutes. Then as it faded, the back door opened and Harry strolled out whistling the theme to Mission Impossible. He pulled a magazine from his robe and unfolded a centerfold and gave it a good look over. He stuck it to the door with the picture faced outward, nodded, and smirked as he vanished with a thunderous boom.

Man there were a lot of squirrels around that house. And a lone cat with bright orange fur, it fell off the fence and landed as stiff as a board.

I swear.

oooooooooo

To be Continued…

Notes: That's it for now, but more will be up soon. I'm leaving you with a bit of a cliffhanger, but nothing to major. Still, whatever you do, don't go into the basment.


	7. Voldemort is going to be PISSED

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRRELS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST. THE SQUIRRLES ARE REBELLING…RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES…THEY'VE GOT FLAME THROWERS! 

AGHAAAAAAAAA!

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.

(If you spot any spelling or grammar mistakes, please let me know. I've read through this thing so many times that I just don't see them after the twentieth read through. I know there are a couple in there that I missed. Thanks)

oooooooooo   
Coven of the Rose   
Chapter 06 - Voldemort is going to be PISSED  
By CRose   
© 2006   
oooooooooo

As a special type of magical snake, Quint could pull off a number of unique magical effects. This made his breed of snake prized by Parsletounge users everywhere. Because the snakes were highly intelligent and able to think for themselves, they rarely stayed with a parsletounge user for very long, they were a peaceful snake after all.

When the call came from Harry Potter asking not for a bond of servitude, as so many had asked for, but a favor instead, Quint was intrigued. Humans used, profited, and discarded everything in their paths. The little snake had been baffled to find that this parsletounge user was different. Instead of an aura of darkness and hatred, what he sensed was more along the lines of amusement and exasperation.

Even after only a few minutes Quint realized that the human hadn't been right in the head, but even then his actions didn't really seem right either. Humans destroyed and crushed everything in there lust for power and greed. The boy played pranks and disrupted the economy to suit his own ends. Humans killed and laughed about it, the boy glued officials to the wall and tickled them until they couldn't take anymore, then went to play a game of Twister with the local champion.

The boy was an enigma. Even stranger was the boy's request. The disillusioned snake slithered around the large tree using its tongue to taste the air and make sure nothing nasty was going to eat him. He was close, very close to his goal, and it would only be a matter of time before he would have the his mission fulfilled. Musky scents filled the air as the snake slowly made its way further into the forest glen towards a large cave dug into the side of a hill. A small amount of smoke wafted out of the entrance. A potential warning to what may lay within.

If the snake could have cackled, it would have.

oooooooooo

"Sir, the girl is here." Scar informed him.

"Thank you, could lead her here?"

"Of course sir." The elf said and popped away.

Harry wasn't sure he was ready to meet Hermione just yet, but he had to do it at some point and now was a good time for him. He was in-between plans at the moment.. He set up her portkey to work when she was alone as well, that way she couldn't bring anyone along without him knowing about it. The door to the dinning room opened and Scar let Hermione into the room. He was a bit surprised to find that she wasn't wearing wizarding robes.

Instead, she was wearing what a lot of muggle girls were wearing these days. A pair of tight waist hugger jeans that showed off her curves and a cut off t-shirt that gave him a nice view of her bare stomach, overall she didn't look half-bad. She froze in place as she spotted him nibbling on some toast, her jaw hanging wide open.

"Shouldn't that be my reaction. That outfit would cause Ron to faint." Harry said as he waived to a chair. "Pick a chair and sit down. Scar can have something to eat her in a few minutes."

The bushy haired girl flew across the room and tackle hugged him. They ended up on the floor a few feet away with Hermione hugging him for all she was worth. "I missed you!"

"Air! I need Air!" Harry gasped.

She squeaked and let him go, glaring at him. "HARRY POTTER!"

"I missed you too." Harry said as he rose to his feet.

"Why haven't you contacted any of us?"

"And be put back in Azkaban? Hell no, that isn't going to happen." He snapped. "I've got plans in motion that can't be pulled off from that island. I have to be free."

Rising to her feet, she made her way back to the table and sat down next to him. "Well, you've certainly been making a name for yourself. Fred and George are having a ball."

"I haven't even talked to them." Harry admitted. "It's been too dangerous. I almost didn't invite you here, but I needed someone to talk to, I've been talking to myself way to much."

Hermione nodded. "Well maybe we can get some of the others here too."

"Not Dumbledore or Snape, I'm way too angry with either of them right now to think straight."

"I've been wondering why you haven't done anything to either of them. All these pranks though…"

"I'm a second generation Marauder Hermione, what else am I doing to do? Kill people? That would only make what Ron wants to believe true."

She looked away.

Two elves appeared. One sat a small meal out before them and vanished. The other one though stood out in his little green robe. He bowed to Harry, who sighed, and a held up a small ball."

"What's that?"

"Part of my army. The little one here just finished his team's mission for me." Harry explained. "You can take the next couple days off. Excellent work."

"Thank you sir." The elf said and popped away.

"W-What did he do?"

"I have several teams working around the clock. The little one just finished setting up tomorrow's prank in Knockturn Alley."

She gasped. "What are you going to do?"

"What the Ministry should have done long ago." Harry said and chuckled a little.

"What's that?"

"Why allow graduated muggle born wizards and witches to shop of course. Part of my plan is to force some much needed common sense down the throat of everyone that thinks they can take away all my rights just because I'm not in school anymore."

"Harry, you can't do that."

"I'm an escaped criminal Hermione, of course I can, they took away all the rules and rights I was willing to fight for when they arrested me. When Dumbledore left me to rot in prison. It's amazing the kinds of people you find in that prison Hermione. What they put in the history books doesn't even come close to telling the truth."

"What do you mean?"

Harry took a minute to eat a little of his dinner. "Well, while some of the prisoners there are criminals, did you also know that about a third of them never committed a crime?"

"Harry, they are sentenced to prison by the Wizengamot. The law is very specific about that."

"You would think it worked that way, that's what the books say after all." Harry said. "But the ones I'm talking about are sent there, and forgotten about. Like Fudge's last two opponents, both were framed on flimsy evidence and sent to Azkaban to await trail, they've been there over thirty years now. Forgotten by the public, who were told they went away in shame after losing."

Hermione was gaping.

"Or how Dumbledore tossed several people in there for not doing what he told them to do. The list goes on and on Hermione. While some of them may have been telling me lies, I don't think that many of them could do it."

"So all these…pranks are payback?"

Harry laughed. "Nope, it's FUN! Look how confused people are. It's great. The Wizarding world doesn't know what to think. They're so complacent that they've learned how to deal with dark lords that kill, corrupt politicians, and anything else that is 'normal' for them. Do something they don't' expect though and they fall to pieces."

"People are saying you're insane."

Harry shrugged. "Who says I'm not? After two years in Azkaban with a Demontor camped outside the cell door you don't survive without losing a little of your mind."

"But…"

"You see, I know I'm a little loopy, but I'm not quite as bad as everyone thinks. You see, I'm supposed to save the whole world form Voldemort. Right now, I couldn't care any less about the little blow hard and merry band of back seat drivers. I've even been reducing the Dark Log's ranks a little over the last week."

It was time for Hermione to be surprised again.

"I've been relocating them from around the city. It's really easy to locate a death eater too, they all have that little tattoo on their arm."

"That Dark Mark is resistant to tracking spells Harry."

Harry nodded. "Yep, but the magic that produces the Dark Mark is simple to track. Voldemort made the shape impossible to track, but not the spells that incorporate it."

Hermione was gaping again. Harry was starting to wonder if he should do something to her again. She didn't seem to be paying attention. She started sputtering.

"The wizarding world is far to complacent Hermione. They expect everything handed to them without putting any effort into it. Fudge can just point at someone and have them thrown in prison. Dumbledore has been using Hogwarts to mold the minds of children so that when they become adults they will all look up to him."

"Harry, you can't believe that." Hermione said.

"Hah! Of course I believe it. Didn't you ever look into how Hogwarts was run a few hundred years ago? What the main classes were?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's been very subtle, a very long term plan, but wizards a hundred years ago could over power any wizard around today. The average wizard back then was almost fifteen times stronger than anyone around today. Dumbledore canceled core classes that on the surface helped round out magic use and power. Take physical fitness for example, something nearly all wizards shun, yet our strongest wizards today are Aurors. Even Dumbledore keeps fit, Voldemort can last for hours dueling against average weak wizards."

"But Harry…"

"He's been manipulating things around him all his life Hermione. Look how he does nothing for muggle born students. They graduate and find that they can't get jobs and doors that were open last year are closed to them now that they've entered the work force."

Hermione nodded.

"When you're a student they want your money, but after you graduate, they don't need your business anymore. And look there, coming around the corner, a whole new year of muggle born children to take money from." Harry said sarcastically.

"You aren't just getting revenge are you?"

"Hell no." Harry said with an evil grin. "That's where you come in. It's time to lead a revolution against these out of shape pigeons. I need a partner that can help me construct faster and more elaborate attacks. Even better, I'll even hire you to do it. What do you say?"

"Where are you going to get the money for that? You don't exactly have access to your vault or have a job."

"Steal it of course. It's amazing what you can find when you know where Voldemort gets his money from." Harry explained. "I've got a little friend looking into it for me as we speak."

"You're going to pinch V-Voldemort's money?" Hermione asked in a horrified and awed whisper.

Harry started cackling. "I'm going to drain him dry and toss the carcass out on the lawn for the worms to play with." He held up a galleon. "Maybe I should put my picture on them just to let people know it's mine?"

What can a genius say to that?

oooooooooo

Got money to hide? Give it to goblins to guard, for a fee of course. Don't want to involve greedy little monsters that would sleep with gold if were given even a third of a chance? Just do as they do, dig a hole, cast some spells in a weird language, get a couple of dragons, and there you go. One well guarded vault full of money.

Quint slithered down the edge of the wall and peaked around the corner at the end. A large dragon was about five inches away glaring at him with smoke wafting from his mouth. Giving the large dragon a respectful nod, the little snake flapped its wings a little and rose into the air to land on the dragon's snout. "Hello." I hissed.

"Leave this place before I eat you in a single gulp brave little idiot snake. You do not belong…" The dragon trailed off and froze in place.

"As big as a human house and just about as intelligent." Quint grumbled as it finished hypnotizing the large beast with a wave of its tail.

It turned around and stomped its way down the hidden path, expertly avoiding several traps that even Quint would've missed from ground level. Why isn't that a nice and cozy acid pit, or what looks suspiciously like a large blender. And Quint wasn't even going to think about the large round bolder wedged up against the ceiling on a little ramp. A couple of minutes later they entered into a large underground cave. There was no sign of the other dragon, but Quint could smell him.

Sitting in the middle of the cave, surrounded by wards that would kill anything that they touched, was what looked like a small hut made out of stones. Quint's magic, with a bit of Harry mixed in for flavor, allowed him to see that the little hut was far more than expected. He ordered the dragon to go and inspect the vault and it lumbered forward, using a password to get around the wards.

Slithering off the great beast's nose, he dropped to the floor and made his way across some sand. He wasn't heavy enough to set off any traps here. Using the dragon had allowed him to avoid all the big deadly traps. Falling rocks, delayed blast death curses, and a whole host of other things. Moving up to the door, he took several minutes to figure out how the spells overlaid the stonework and focused. As his tail started to glow, he tapped the door with his tail and gave a little shove.

Quint cackled as the spells started to collapse. His breed wasn't know as the Parselesque Viper for nothing. They had knack for pulling off the impossible.

"It's time Master." Quint hissed and felt a surge of magic fill his little body.

oooooooooo

"Harry, how are you going to do this?"

"Well while I was rotting in prison, going mad of course, the Dark Log of the East continued to send me visions through my scar. He showed me memories of his past, various meetings, and lots of other things. One of the random things I picked up was how he got his money. He can be frightfully intelligent at times, even I have to admit that."

"How? I've always wondered."

"As with everything it comes down to his followers. He had all of them put a small gem on a pedestal in their vaults at Gringotts. This gem transfers, under the goblin's noses, a certain percentage of the gold that flows into each of the vaults. All these galleons then appear in his hidden vault deep in one of the magical forests."

"It would have to be impossible to even get close to."

Harry nodded, but grinned even wider. "For a human yes, completely impossible, even with the key to the wards. He's pulled off a magnificent bit of magic there. So I sent a friend instead."

"A house elf?"

"Nope, he accounted for them too. They die the instant they appear according to his memories."

"Then how?"

"I summoned a Parselesque Viper."

"A…what?"

"Ah, Hermione, I thought you of all people would understand." Harry looked gleeful as he tried to sound saddened by her ignorance.

"HARRY POTTER! DON'T…" She coughed. "…you start that with me. I can't know everything."

Instead of answering he took a few minutes to finish his dinner and watched Hermione squirm. He couldn't help grinning some more. "A Parselesque Viper is the ultimate magical familiar for a parsletounge speaker. By summoning one I gave him a sliver of my magic, or a chunk in this case, and all the knowledge the little beast could handle. Right now it could defeat anybody given a few minutes to plan. It's intelligent and we even speak the same tongue."

A quiet rumbling started to shake the house and Harry's eyes gleamed a little more in the sunlight. It was time. He channeled a powerful surge of magic through his bond to the Viper. He loved it when a plan came together. Now why was he craving jello all of a sudden?

oooooooooo

The snake's tale rose up and the tip began to glow brightly. Making a waving motion, it sent a beam of magic at the dragon as it started to wake up from its trance. The beam of magic quickly reduced it down into a mouse. It squeaked and rook off running for the exit. There was still no sign of the other dragon though.

Laughing, Quint waved his tail at the stone box and sent a blasting curse crashing into it. The whole side just crumbled to powder. Its Master's power was truly a thing to behold and Quint was still amazed that the boy wasn't completely evil. Moving forward, Quint was sure that certain alarms were going off now the vault was open.

Once inside even it had to gaze in awe at all the gold. Closing its eyes, the snake began to glow as it built up a powerful spell. Then, pointing with the tail, a beam of magic fired out and hit the front wall of gold. Flying up, it landed on top and looked proud as the magic washed over the entire chamber and the gold started to vanish in large chunks.

Within ten minutes the entire chamber was emptied of gold. The snake appeared in a large room as the gold poured in from dozens of openings in the ceiling. House Elves swarmed around the chamber to see what was going on, making sure all the gold went to the right areas. Harry didn't want anyone crushed by all that gold after all.

After a quick breather, Quint took the air and vanished in a burst of fire. An elf collected a couple of fallen feathers and placed them in Harry's study with the other two collected earlier. The snake appeared above Harry and landed on his head. It looked incredibly proud of itself, almost smirking.

"Hello Quint." Harry said, setting the snake on the table.

"Master Harry, I have completed my task."

Ignoring Hermione for the moment, Harry conjured a fat mouse and gave it to the snake. It was more than happy to eat right there.

"What's he saying?"

"Contented sighing. It's the first meal he's had in a few days." Harry explained as he rubbed the snakes head.

"Want to see what he brought back?"

"Lots of gold I assume?"

"Yeah, but its lots of gold. One has to look at all that gold to appreciate it." Harry said as he got up and adjusted his green robe. "It's almost time for me to make an appearance too. I can't let the old men get complacent."

Hermione sighed and nodded. She still wasn't sure what to think about all this, but Harry did have some kind of plan in motion after all. "Lead the way. This should be interesting at least."

"I should hope so."

Just as they were about to arrive at the room, Harry stopped and snapped his fingers. A House Elf was there instantly. Harry reached into his pocket and handed the small ball to the elf. "Please take this to that house where we found the muggle family and make sure it goes off at the right time. Someone should be there any time now."

"Of course Master." It said and vanished.

"A little snapper."

Hermione looked confused again.

"You need to read more Batman comics."

Now she looked irritated.

oooooooooo

His name was William Skerretglom, a thirtieth generation pure blood. He stood in front of the little house where his Master was having several muggles prepared for a Revel. The Master hadn't held a Revel since he returned to full power, but now he felt it was time to start getting things back into full swing again. Will could recall almost twenty years before when The Master terrorized the world and it brought back good memories.

Torturing muggles until they wet themselves, making them crawl around the house like dogs, raping the teenage girls and boys. Those were the days. Unfortunately the death eaters guarding the muggle family hadn't brought them by last night. Will could still feel the pain from all the curses he endured.

He moved down the walk and onto the porch. All the curtains were closed and he couldn't hear anything going on inside the house. That meant that the Repelling Charms and Silencing Wards were up in full force. A wave of his wand confirmed those and several others as well. He didn't recognize a couple of them though.

At the same time he also detected a couple of odd spells on the door and walls of the house. Spells that The Master didn't use normally. Tapping the door with his wand, he said the password, and watched it open with a quiet click.

"At least that's normal." He muttered to himself.

Of course that's when the giant tongue reached out of the doorway, wrapped around him, and yanked him in. William didn't have time to scream as the tongue swung through the house, passed a sheep stuck by it's horns to the wall, only to be thrown down into the basement. He vaguely heard a loud belch that made the house rumble and door closing.

"What the hell is going on here?" Will snarled as sailed through the air and landed in some water in the basement. It was about three feet deep and rather stagnant. Soaking wet, he stood up and tried to shake some of the water out of his two hundred galleon robes with gold trim and anti staining charms woven into each thread.

He spun to the side a he spotted some movement from the corner of his eye. All he could see were little ripples in the stagnant water. Standing out of the water were four dead potion stands. Whatever was in them seemed to have solidified as well. The smell was bad enough that he decided that going back upstairs would be a good idea.

Turning around, he faced the stairs and stopped dead in his tracks. A head surfaced nest to his let and looked up at him. It wasn't a human head. It was a Hippopotamus head that opened its mouth and he screamed. Sitting in the back of the thing's throat was Nina's head!

"Will, help me!" She screamed.

The Hippo head closed and the thing dove beneath the water.

"What the hell is going on here?" He babbled, backing towards the stairs.

He felt the thing brush by his ankle and gave a little squeak. Scrambling for the stairs, he heard a splash, then a roar, and IT HAD HIM BY THE FOOT!

"NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Will screamed as he was pulled backwards. The Hippo moved forward, straddling him, opened its mouth wide so he could see whatshername's face again, and leaned forward.

"Will, help me!" She begged again as the Hippo mouth encircled his head and bit down with a snap. His body glowed suddenly and turned into a little blue and pink Ermine. Will the Ermine, fell over with a faint, landing in the water with a small splash.

The woman/Hippo heard a noise and turned around to see another of those Green Robed House Elves standing on the counter. Its glowing green eyes stood out from under the hood as it watched them. She could tell it was smirking. It reached into the pouch all of them carried with them and pulled out a large green sphere filled with some kind of dark substance.

She heard more voices upstairs, but didn't know what to think as the sphere flew across the room and landed on the stairs and shattered. The elf vanished with a little pop just as the dark substance started to grow and writhe…

Meanwhile, upstairs, Kingsley and Mad 'Eye' Moody along with about five junior Aurors were responding to a tip. The first clue that any of them had that something was the sheep hanging on the wall, still struggling to get tree. Kingsley and Mad Eye paled as they realized that this might be a Potter attack.

"We better be careful people, this might be Potter's handy work.

Suddenly hundreds of leafy green tentacles shot out of the basement and wrapped the Aurors up completely, lifted them into the air, and started playing toss. At first they were too shocked to respond much, but then Kingsley suddenly found himself being flung right under a miniature Hippo.

"RUN, RUN FOR YOUR SANITY!" The dark skinned man screamed. He managed to land on the floor, roll to his feet, and started hopping for the front door. Some of his men tried and failed completely.

"BHAAAA!" The sheep yelled.

From the outside the house seemed to smirk as it shuddered once and rose up on a pair of chicken legs, looked around, and raced down the street. Inside the house everything started falling over and flying around. The tentacles started throwing around everything.

"AGHAAAAAAAAAA!" Ten Aurors, a Hippo, Sheep, and barely conscious Ermine screamed in fear. The House continued running late into the night. It only took time to stop at Number Four Privet Drive and take a leak on the roof. Once that was gone, all that water from the basement, it raced off across the country.

oooooooooo

At the same time, every alarm in the Ministry that detected magic in muggle areas started to go off. Up in his office, Fudge the Skunk downed another calming potion. He was haggard, worn out, and down right pooped. Ever since Potter's visit, the ministry had been falling apart one piece at a time. They still hadn't managed to undo whatever he did to the fountain and now the thing had developed a shark invasion. No one wanted to get near the thing now.

Now the little memo airplanes had started dive bombing people and seemed to be attracted to both Lucious and Umbridge for some reason. He hadn't seen either one of them for days. Not after they were chased after the building covered in paper cuts. Now the alarms were going off and he just knew that Potter was behind it.

His temporary secretary poked her head into the office. "Sir?"

He ignored the clothes pin on her nose. Magic didn't seem to lesson the smell wafting off his skunk man body at all and everyone was avoiding him. "Send a team to take care of it."

She nodded, having already done that the instant the alarm went off.

oooooooooo

Hermione could only stare up at the large wall. Lights and colors were flashing across her face that her features couldn't be seen. Shock didn't cover this little revelation. Harry had set up the master bedroom as a kind of monitor room. Instead of using televisions or computers, he'd used scrying mirrors of every shape and size.

Every mirror held a different joke that was taking place at that instant. It was currently snowing inside the headmaster's office. Bill Weasley couldn't figure out why that goblin over there had taken such an interest in the back of his pants. Snape had developed a Doxy invasion in his potions lab. The minister was turning into a skunk.

There was a house on chicken legs doing a cross country dash with it's tongue lolling out. She could just make out people and plants through the windows. Harry stood beside her and grinned. "I didn't even come up with half of these, the elves do it themselves. Though I take credit for the house. I heard about it once when I was a kid."

Hermione could only gape as Ollivander's wands started pairing off and drumming themselves on anything solid. This included Olivander himself, who was soon cowering under his counter. Then Hermione gasped and punched Harry in the arm. "I can't believe you did that!"

"What did I do?"

She pointed at a mirror off in the corner. Turning to the side he took a minute to look it over and started laughing. Lockhart's singing Valentines Day dwarves had invaded Durmstrang and Beauxbatons. They could only watch in horror as rather wide dwarves wearing pink leotards and fairy wings, smoking cigars, and bad attitudes started slapping students around to get them to declare their love.

Harry blinked. "That's a great idea, but it ain't mine."

"Who else could have done it?"

Suddenly Dobby is looking up at them and giggling like a schoolgirl. "Dobby did it."

Harry grins. "Excellent work! Spread the chaos!"

"I can't believe you would let him do that!" Hermione yells.

He shrugs. "That house idea wasn't working anyway, I needed something better and those dwarves will do the job."

Hermione could only palm her face and sigh in defeat.

"Now let's go count my mountain of gold and see just how much Quint brought us." Harry said. "Though the sight of a school full of French girls cooing over those dwarves is rather enticing…" He leered.

oooooooooo

Knockturn Alley, never has there been a hive of such filth and scum that deserved what was about to happen to it. Those residents who understood the ebb and flow of people that moved through the alley were the first to notice that something wasn't quite right, but they couldn't figure out what it was. The knowledge was more instinctive than something that could be seen.

Evil isn't known for being observant. So when over a hundred House Elves in green robes appear in random spots through out the alley, no one really notices. House Elves are furniture after all, something to be ignored until its needed. This was something the majority of Knockturn Alley was very good at. Werewolves, Vampires, and Pure Blood monsters stalked the streets. House Elves knew all of this as they started to sprinkle glittery dust on the buildings.

Harry was quite proud of this invention. From his point of view, the magical world rarely created anything new anymore, so his quest for revenge was proving to be quite easy. The dust looked harmless enough and might even be something for muggle girls to play with. Of course he'd been forced to decrees the effect a bit after a couple of tests.

Of course, it only took about twenty elves to spread the dust. The others had various jobs to perform that took most of the night. As with every building encountered so far, Harry just couldn't leave them alone. These morons were just way to complacent. They needed lots of wake up calls to get them off their asses. Hell, after everything he'd done so far all the Ministry had done was put a price on his head and assign several Aurors to his case.

They were all brainless twits. Harry had even been looking out in case the Department of Mysteries decided to send some people after him. So far they'd been quiet though. As long as they stayed that way he would leave them alone. If they had anyone in Knockturn Alley, they would have started to see strange sights staring a couple of hours after midnight.

Werewolves started acting like, well dogs, jumping around, chasing balls and cats, peeing on walls, and driving shopkeepers mad. At the same time, Vampires started to develop what could only be described as 'fang ache' and a craving for strawberry jam. Groans and howls filled the area of evil by three in the morning and the prostitutes, what few of them were around, were hiding under their beds. They knew the signs.

As tempers shortened fights started up and spilled out into the Alley itself from several bars. By four in the morning a full blown riot was taking place. Shops were closing down, doors locked, and shops hidden from sight as the Werewolves and Vampires fought. No one really noticed in the confusion, but there were no killings, though not from lack of trying.

Aurors swarmed into the alley at half past five in the morning. By this time most of the combatants were down and the fighting had stopped. As with so many things, riots like this did happen from time to time on their own, but this time we know different. As the last Auror entered Knockturn Alley everyone skidded to a halt as loud popping noises filled the alley and everyone looked towards the roofs.

A hundred green robed House Elves, with glowing green eyes and mouths, stared down at the rioters. Someone screamed "Potter!" and the chaos turned to panic as the whole of Knockturn Alley lit up in a giant green glow that quickly spread through out the entire alley, covering everything, including the people. The Elves dodged spells fired at them by the Aurors and others.

The Vampires raided a nearby store and emptied it of jam and toothache medicine. The Werewolves suddenly developed severe case of fleas and were quickly taken down. Smoke started to pour off the buildings, out windows, and fill the streets.

With Elves popping all over the place, the Aurors didn't see Harry Potter appear at the mouth of the alley. He walked towards the nearest store and calmly blasted a hole in the wall. He ignored the Aurors in the background as they started laughing insanely. That's what the dust did when it turned into smoke. Just a simple modification to a laughing potion, anyone could do it. The Book of Knowledge or BK said so in easy to follow instructions.

Behind him a two story mutant iguana started stomping its way through the alley, much to those residents that hadn't succumbed to the gas yet. Harry looked around and saw that he was in a shop that had an entrance facing into both alleys. One in Knockturn and another facing into Diagon Alley for better business.

He grinned as he spotted half a dozen people cowering under tables, some of the started to whimper as he eyed them. "This is what I mean, look at them, just a little bit of anything out of the ordinary and they just fall to pieces." He apparently said to himself.

A man screamed, jumped up, and leveled his wand. "Avad…" The man's voice turned into a high pitched squeak as his body seemed to shrink in on itself until the only word that came out of it's mouth was "Quack!"

"Yes I had to turn him into a Goose."

"Because it has more intelligence that these losers. Who knows, he might even find a mate and not contaminate the gene pool." Harry said with a nod. The Goose fainted.

The owner peaked out from the side of the bar. "Potter, we don't want any trouble..."

Harry cocked his head to the side. "Isn't that cute, the sniveling worm has a backbone, and yet he caters to murders and psychopaths." He looked to the air beside him. "I don't care, it's not like I'm going to kill any of them. How can learn a lesson when their dead?"

Spinning on his heal, Harry's staff appeared in his hand and he twirled it over his head with one hand as he cast a spell. It took ten minutes for people to come out of hiding. Which triggered the spell. With a burst of white and green light, something fell from the ceiling, landing with a splat. Everyone could only stare at the three foot long mutant slug.

"GWARAAAA!" It said cutely, opened it's mouth, and gob of grayish white mucus flew out and pinned a victim to the wall. The screaming began from there.

Out in the alley again Harry surveyed the several hundred people unable to stop laughing and grinned. As he walked, occasionally stepping over a cackling werewolf or Auror, he took a few seconds to blast away illusions and doors to businesses. His elves made sure that no one got close as they tossed around WWW products at those unaffected by the gas.

"No I don't think I'm going to far. These idiots have gotten away with this crap for far to long. It's time to make them feel a little of what they dish out to others." Harry said as he heard a window shattering. He looked up to see a half dozen bludgers heading his way. As they flew at him, intent on causing damage, they exploded in mid air.

With a wave of his hand, Harry's own floating devices appeared out of nowhere and started strafing the alley. Every now and then they would find someone marked with a Dark Mark, hit them with a fired spell, and teleport them to Harry's holding cells. With another wave the laughing werewolves were instantly transfigured into dog form. He took a second, before transforming one of them, to step on his chest.

The uncontrollable laughing did nothing to hid the sudden fear in the man's eyes as Harry grinned, then frowned and looked to the side. "Where did you get the idea that I'm going to kill people? Really? Have I ever killed anyone? No, yet you insist on telling me not to kill these peons." Harry snorted. "Me and you are going to have to discuss your trust issues 'moine."

As Harry stepped off the man he suddenly transformed into a Snuffaluffaguss. "No I'm not going to explain where I come up with this stuff. I'm insane, the insane don't explain things. They just do things and get called eccentric."

"What do you mean 'where are all the books?' I'm taking them of course."

Harry shrugged. "They're probably stolen anyway, who cares, anyway, think I've got everything I need."

He glanced down at the laughing Auror under his foot and wondered what else he should do. With a shrug, he vanished in sparkly wave of light and a high pitched humming sound that sci-fi geeks around the world would instantly recognize. And the Auror, well, he appears to have turned into a rather large squirrel. The giant Iguana pokes its head up from behind a building, a bag of trash hanging from its mouth and snuffs, looking down at the squirrel.

It runs for its life.

oooooooooo

To be Continued…

Notes: This chapter just didn't want to flow right. I had to cut and rewrite that scene in the basement at least three times and the thing just didn't work. What I have is disappointing and not as good as I'd hoped, but eventually I was forced to move on. At least I was able to bring an Ermine into the story. If you know the Manga Negima, you know why Will became an Ermine.

Nod.

Harry's reign of terror continues…and what the hell is it with squirrels in this story…even I don't' know


	8. Bubba the Wonder Pixy

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRRELS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST. THE SQUIRRLES ARE REBELLING…RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES… 

AGHAAAAAAAAA! IT'S SQUIRREL GIRL AND SHE'S GOT A VULCAN CANNON!

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.

oooooooooo   
Coven of the Rose   
Chapter 07   
By CRose   
© 2006   
oooooooooo

"AGHAAAAAAAAA!" Voldemort screamed. Evil red eyes lit up with fury as he stalked around his hidden room.

Over a third of his death eaters hadn't shown up at the latest meeting and no one knew why. They were just gone. Their families were still at home waiting for them, they hadn't been captured by the Ministry, and even Severus, when asked, didn't' have a clue where they were. That meant that Dumbledore didn't have them.

With almost superhuman effort he managed to control his anger. Over the last several days he'd killed almost two dozen of his men as they failed time and again to find the missing death eaters. Because they were missing he was forced to change his plans.

He stalked out of the room. His glare passed over Wormtail as the useless moron scrambled out of his way. "Tell Lucius to come to me, Worm."

"Y-yes Master." Wormtail stuttered out.

Dismissing the waste of air from his thoughts, Voldemort stalked down the hall and entered the large meeting room and took his place on the throne sitting towards the back of the room. A few minutes later Lucius Malfoy swept into the room.

"You called for me Master?" He said and knelt before Voldemort.

"What is the status of the plan?"

"Nothing so far Master. The house elves are everywhere and we've tracked them all over the country, they just never seem to stop."

"Are they aware of your actions?"

"No sir."

Voldemort frowned. "What about Potter himself. Why hasn't he been found?"

"He rarely appears in public and when he does its total chaos. What he did in Knockturn Alley is a good example of this. That giant lizard is still running around knocking over trash cans, sticking its head into various businesses, and several businesses have been completely destroyed by the elves."

"Potter is an untrained and uneducated simpleton Lucius. It's quite obvious that he's getting help from somewhere."

"That occurred to me as well Master. I've got several of the men asking around to find out who that might be."

"What have you found so far?"

"One of his friends, Granger, vanished a couple days ago and hasn't been seen since. Witnesses at Knockturn did notice that Potter was talking to someone, possibly under an invisibility cloak, as he spread his chaos."

"That is…interesting, but doesn't do anything to help us find him."

"No sir."

Voldemort growled. "Get me Severus, its time he started pulling his weight again."

Lucius just nodded and waited to be dismissed. He had no intention of drawing his Master's wrath like so many others recently.

"Now!" Voldemort screamed.

Lucius rose to his feet and went to fetch Severus Snape. No one saw the little green robed house elf standing in the shadows behind the throne. It would be a couple of hours before Voldemort found his personal house elf hanging from its toes.

In the kitchen.

Dressed like a clown.

Covered whip cream and strawberries.

Yum.

oooooooooo

"…Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwnn." Harry smacked his lips a few times as he rolled out of bed. Ever since Azkaban his vision just weren't as scary as they used to be. Or would that be because he was crazy now? No matter, he wandered into his bathroom, got lost for several minutes trying to find the sink lost in the back corner of the room, took his bath, and came back out hour later.

Three elves were just finishing his room and laying out his clothing. Once he was dressed he wandered out onto the patio and looked at the view. Why he wanted to watch a pair of wild dogs banging each other was a mystery, but he enjoyed the show for several minutes. He heard Hermione a couple of patios over as she got ready as well.

He had several ideas that he wanted to look into today. The Book was also calling to him. Over the last couple of days he'd delved deeper and deeper into the history of the magic world and seriously wondered how a society could be so bloody stupid. He was over halfway through the thing and found that witches and wizards had built great kingdoms all across the world for thousands of years, only to fall into truly horrible deaths after a few centuries.

Thousands of years of knowledge lost as dark moron after moron slaughtered their way through history. Harry wanted to smack every last idiot that came along. He found potion after potion that could cure the most amazing things, if only the animals that it required weren't extinct because some politician decided that an animal they didn't like needed to be exterminated for the greater good, and head mounted on the wall above the toilet. Usually because one of them ate their cousin or nipped a bit off a big toe, it was a precedent after all.

Because of that the cure for Vampirism was lost to time. Who knew that the cure to the Werewolf was to be stung by rose bees? Of course they were exterminated by a rogue werewolf clan because the bugs were ugly and the vain creatures didn't like the idea of losing their power. Could the magical world get any more stupid?

Harry had every intention of finding out if the current world or the twelfth rise of magic as the Book called them. Turning, Harry stalked back into his room and an elf shooed the dogs away. The stupid things were making quite a racket. Donning his green cloak, Harry made his way downstairs to have breakfast. Hermione stepped out of her room as he walked by.

"Harry." She said and nodded to him.

"Ugh, Weird girl with frizzy bed hair." Harry replied with a nod. "Come, breakfast is nearly done."

"What did you say!"

"I said good morning."

She narrowed her eyes.

"I swear." Harry lied.

She huffed and followed, reminding herself that he was unstable. "What are we having this morning?"

"I'm not sure, I was thinking of ice cream and cake."

"What! You can't eat that for breakfast!"

"Sure I can, I'll just eat my meals in reverse order today. Meaning desert is first." He nodded, that solved everything. "Then maybe a t-bone steak."

Awake barely half an hour and Hermione was already developing a headache. She rubbed her forehead as they descended the stairs deeper into the house. This was her first time going this deep into the house and she wondered if they were going to eat in the basement. That idea committed suicide a few minutes later as they entered the cellblock.

That was the only way she could describe it. Harry was holding at least a hundred death eaters in his basement. Each cell was the size of a small microwave, each prisoner shrunk down to the size of a doll. About twenty elves patrolled the room to make sure none of the prisoners could escape. Harry grinned as he neared one cell and looked inside. "Hello, I brought a friend to visit you."

"$#& snarl!" Issued from the cage.

Hermione bent down to see what was inside and gasped. So did Victor Krum, who was in the cage looking like he was on the verge of death. "Victor? You're a death eater?"

"I caught him fair and square. He even has the mark and everything. The elves have been playing with him though."

"Playing with him?"

Victor paled and tried to hide in the back of his cage. "Nononononono."

"Oh don't be such a baby. They only cleaned you up after Maxine got done with you."

Victor curled into a ball and started whimpering.

"Who's Maxine?" Hermione asked, though knowing Harry's current state she wondered if that was wise.

"Oh, someone I met when I was wandering around learning how to get my revenge."

"So, that doesn't tell me who she is."

Harry sighed, flicked his wrist and created a photograph. It was yanked out of his hand and Hermione took several seconds to examine the photo. She lowered here head and her shoulders started shaking rather spastically. Then she threw her head back and started laughing, fell to the ground, and started pounding on the floor.

Victor screamed in horror as the memories assaulted him again.

It took several minutes for Hermione to quiet down to a low level snicker, but occasionally a giggle would break through. "I…"

Harry didn't know why she was laughing, but thought it was a good idea to pretend to know why she was laughing. "I'm glad you liked it." He deadpanned.

"What else have you done to him?"

"Not much, just been thinking of transfiguring him into something."

All the death eaters screamed as Harry said this, but he only smiled and gave them a wave. "Such a nice group of fellas. I'll have to find a way to make them more comfortable, but I can't do that until they tell me everything they know."

"What exactly are you going to do to them?"

"They just have to give the names of other death eaters and I'll turn them over to the Ministry."

Several elves started grinning evilly. Hermione sweat dropped and gulped as the room suddenly filled with over a hundred mini voices yelling names. The elves were writing the names down as fast as they were shouted. Victor started screaming again.

Hermione gave him a look. "What's wrong with him?"

"Oh, I found out that he's addicted to some potion." Harry explained. "Can't recall the name of it, something nasty though. It makes him unstable when doesn't have his fix."

"Poor Victor."

"He was humping his bedding earlier." Harry said. "I haven't had the heart to make the elves clean up his bed."

Hermione fell over.

Harry grinned. "I had a vision of Voldemort this morning. He's so mad that he'd killing his own death eaters in rather gory ways. None of them will answer his summons, their disappearing, and all that neat stuff."

He tapped a nearby cage. "Isn't that right widdle bobo."

"&$#you." Issues from the cage.

"Not to worry, I won't kill any of you. We haven't had any time to play yet and killing you would be too easy." Harry said mildly as the room went eerily silent. "Now you will give the elves the names of all your death eater friends, or I'll bring Maxine back for a visit."

Harry's grin widened as more names were shouted out. He glanced down. "You still down there?"

Hermione shrugged. "I figured it would be safer down here."

"Ah, well Patric over there will keep you safe. Come on up to breakfast when you're done with whatever it is you need to do down there." Harry told her and headed for the door.

"Patric?"

Harry pointed; she looked, and froze as a fifteen foot boa constrictor peaked its head out from behind a cage. It flicked its tongue at her. His green robe trailed after Hermione as she raced out of the room faster than he could blink. "Well if you were hungry, all you had to do was go to the dining room."

"Scar."

The house elf appeared. "Yes Master?"

"Finish up with the prisoners, then prepare them for transfer."

The elf bowed and disappeared with a pop. Harry stood there for a second and watched as Patric slithered after a tiny little escapee running around the floor screaming for his life.

"Heheheheheh."

oooooooooo

"Master."

Harry turned to see one of his army standing a few feet away. "Twilly, how goes your mission?"

Twilly bowed. "I has found Him at last."

Harry's grin nearly split his face in half. "Excellent, Excellent Twilly, fantastic job and well done. Report all information to Scar and we can start preparing our attack plans."

"Dobby!"

The house elf appeared. "Harry Potter called?"

"I want your section to pick up their pace for the next couple of days. Track down as many death eaters down as you can."

Dobby bounced around in excitement. "Dobby pleased to do this. We will have them all here within a few days."

Pleased, Harry called several more elves and sent them all of on various projects. By the time he headed back upstairs the whole manor was jumping with activity. He swept into the dining room and chuckled as he noticed Hermione sitting on top of the table. She looked a little nervous for some reason.

"Potter." She growled.

"One of the elves managed to tail Lucius Malfoy to Voldemort." Harry said.

Hermione blinked a few times. "Really? You should turn the information over to Dumbledore or the Ministry and let them take care of it."

Harry couldn't help but snort. "Yeah right. I know lets do the fairy plum dance to make a corrupt government do their job. That'll work."

"HARRY JAMES POTTER!" Hermione yelled. "There is no need to be sarcastic. It's their job to fix things like this."

All Harry could do was shake his head. "Hermione, you are my best friend, but there are some days when I wonder if you do this on purpose or are just that trusting."

"What do you mean by that?" She asked, eyes narrowed.

"Dumbledore left me to rot in Azkaban to make his plan come off. He has never cared about my wants or needs, only his big plan. It always comes down to his plan. You know this Hermione." Harry growled. "As for the Ministry, do I have to go through that again?"

"No you do not." She huffed. "But it's their job to protect the wizarding world from Voldemort."

"Harry snorted again. "You have so much faith in these people. I don't see where it comes from to be honest. People that tend to bury their heads in the sand when a problem comes up. Remember that these same people were about to lose the war before that curse bounced off my head and gained them several years of peace."

Hermione sighed. "I don't see how they can live with themselves when they act like this."

"You've always placed quite a bit of faith in adults and authority figures Hermione. I've learned the hard way that trusting people like Dumbledore only leads to more pain and suffering." Harry muttered. "Enough of this. Go grab your robe. We're going out for a little while."

"What are we going to do?"

"Does it matter? It'll be fun, that's all I care about."

"Another attack?"

Harry grinned.

"Oh?"

Harry nodded and crossed his arms. "It's time to bag us a Snivilious Greasyious Hairious. Heheheheh." He conjured a weird cartoon like gun. "The game is sneering, let us wipe it off his face in a barrage of lead!"

Hermione swatted him. "I thought you said no killing?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot, well I think we can pick up some lead paint around here somewhere."

This only made the bushy haired girl huff again. "Now Harry…"

Pop

"We is ready Master Harry." Scar said. "Dobby's group has already started to bring in more death eaters."

"Already, I figured we wouldn't get any until at least tomorrow."

"Dobby says that his group has been watching certain people for several days now. Waiting for the word to grab them."

Harry nodded. "Excellent and efficient. I like that. So, should we march them down to the Ministry, bound and naked, for all to see? Naw, Skunk Fudge would just let them go within a couple of days." Harry muttered. "What to do, what to do…"

"You can't hold them here forever." Hermione pointed out.

"I could, if I was inclined to." Harry said and then shrugged. "I need to take certain people down before I can finally confront Voldemort."

"So you're going to get Professor Snape first?"

"That man isn't a professor. He's a scumbag that spends his time tormenting children for his own amusement. He needs to pay."

oooooooooo

How does one describe chaos? There are many different ways, but over the last several months in Briton chaos meant one word. Potter. No one was safe from his brand of terror, not Purebloods, muggleborn children, or even mixed bloods. Vampires would wake up from a long night of hunting for blood dressed in baby clothes.

Veela would mysteriously appear in the middle of men's locker rooms around the continent, much to their delight. House elves who have served families for generations would vanish from a house just as it filled with strange substances. These included everything from weird forms of food, to animals in various states of dress.

Chaos spread around Harry as he stalked the wizarding world driving Aurors completely mad by filling their underwear with butterscotch. People ran screaming from their homes when a green robed house elf appeared and started flinging bits of candy around.

The laughing gas used on Knockturn Alley now filled the streets of several magical villages across the isle, sending everyone into fits of laughter. Swarms of snitches buzzed hapless people and squirting them with puce hair color dye number three.

Full grown witches ended up in provocative looking lingerie while the men ended up in turn of the century full body suits that hid everything. Who wants to look at naked old men, it's the second ugliest thing on the planet, next to a naked Umbridge.

Harry just poked her with a ten foot pole and left it at that. And shuddered, but everyone did that. The Ministry couldn't figure out why wards that could stop anyone else didn't even slow Harry down. Instead Aurors ended up with a giant chicken running missions for a week before they noticed the change. Ministry people can be a little dense after all.

By the time noon rolled around people were fleeing for the hills, again. A flank of Rhinos raced through Diagon Alley in all their smelly glory with green robed house elves riding them like jockeys and tossing things at the crowd. Which were how about thirty spider monkeys joined the little stampede and wrecked half a dozen stores.

Harry Potter was nowhere to be seen, but the Twins didn't care as they watched the destruction and laughed their butts off. They added to the chaos by supplying background music like Ride of the Valkyries and Riders of Steel. Gringotts' walls sprouted millions of flowers.

Aurors responding the scene found themselves sporting tacky seventies suits and hair styles. Madam Bones, who was running things after Kingsley had his little breakdown the day before froze when she found herself in the super short skirt version of Star Trek dress. Though much to her relief she was wearing appropriate underwear, it was impossible to move around without flashing something.

Halfway across the country people were still trying to figure out how Potter had changed the Hogwarts express into Timithy the Toot Toot complete with a face. It could talk and didn't like all the mischief the students had gotten up to during its years in service and refused to move until everyone apologized for taking him for granted.

All of this was quickly sent to Dumbledore through the usual channels, so by the time the train blew him a raspberry and dropped a few well placed 'F' bombs, Dumbledore had a migraine going. He could only look up as really fat, hairy, male pixy kicked the doors to the school and flew in like an out of control bumble bee. Smoking a rather fragrant cigar.

It bounced off the ceiling and wall a couple of times before it plowed into a Slytherin fifth year. Sitting on the student's chest, it grabbed the boy's tie and gave it a yank, drawing their faces together. "Wheres can I find the blighter, Syvilius, Snivalus, or snapey wappy.

"…"

"Aghaaaaaaaaa!" It screamed in the student's face, revealing really bad teeth and breath that made a nearby suit of armor fall over.

"…IDON'TKNOWIDON'TKNOW…"

"I don't believe you lad, you wear his house symbol after all. Now where is the waste of air. I has to have a little chat with the little bastard." The 'pixy' flapped its wings a few times and bounced up and down on the kid's chest and farted. "Aghaaaaaaaaaa!"

"Answer me boy, or I'll start getting rough." It slapped the kid several times just to make his point.

"The…dungeon! The dungeon!"

It leaned in close. "Why thank you."

Taking to the air again it flew up, bounced off the wall, a portrait, and headed for the dungeons. Although he was gone, his stench seemed to linger for some time after that. Students didn't waste any time as they ran for the exits screaming 'Prank Lord Potter' the whole way.

A tired looking Dumbledore raced down the hall holding his hat to his head, jumped over the downed Slytherin, and knew that Harry was already in the school. All his detection spells were useless against him now and all he could do was lesson the damage. Diagon Alley and the train were only distractions if he read the situation right.

Dumbledore would have been a little surprised to know that Harry and Hermione were, at that moment, in Hogsmead sitting down to a fine afternoon meal. Harry was in disguise, he was insane, not stupid. He was wearing a simple grey robe and magicked his hair blonde in honor of his least favorite acquaintance. It was also a look that no one would expect of him.

oooooooooo

"Would you like some more Butterbeer Hermione?"

The bushy haired girl nodded as she at the nearly perfect meal. "What do you have planned for Snape anyway?"

Harry shrugged. "I make this stuff up as I go along and leave the rest to the elves. It makes things much more interesting that way."

"Aren't you worried that people might overhear you here? I didn't see you put up Notice-Me-Not spells."

"Got something better going." Harry said absently as he sniffed his green bread and gave it a nibble.

"What's that? Everyone seems to be looking this way, so it must not be that good a spell."

"Actually, it's working perfectly."

"Oh?"

"Yep." Harry said evasively.

"What exactly are they seeing?"

Harry smirked. "Why the best deterrent for eavesdroppers ever invented."

"Quit avoiding the question. What are they seeing?"

"Me and you snogging each other's brains out." Harry explained. "Right now they can see you sitting in my lap as I have my hand up under your shirt…"

With a screech Hermione threw her Butterbeer in his face and walked out of the Hogshead. Harry ignored the Butterbeer dripping off his face as he finished off the rest of his meal. He couldn't help smirking a little as he watched Hermione pacing back and forth in front of the doorway.

Once he was finished eating he left a tip and headed for the doorway and let the ward fall. Everyone in the bar groaned as they realized it was only an illusion and went back to drinking. Hermione gave him 'The Look' as he exited the place and reared back to slap him.

"You are so easy to tease Hermione. If you keep this up I'll have to come up with a nickname for you." Harry grinned, his eyes glinting in the waning sunlight.

She looked horrified and slumped a little. "How do you to that? I can't seem to stay mad at you."

"The ol'Potter charm of course. Draws in the girls and pisses off every dark lord and wannabe in a two block radius."

"So now what?"

"We just need to see if Bubba has done his job."

"I can't believe you know a 'Pixy' named Bubba." She giggled nervously.

"I could always start making Terry Pratchett puns."

"Don't you dare!"

Harry just chuckled. "So I shouldn't conjure Twoflower's Luggage and send him into the school to stomp on Snape?"

"No!"

"His potions lab then?"

"Not that either!"

"Come on Hermione I'm running out of things for it to stomp on. How about Pettigrew?"

"And just how will you find Peter?"

"Harry shrugged. It shouldn't be that hard and I've already found a couple of old spells that could do it easily."

"From that book?"

"I want to read it."

"Only when I'm done, then you can have a turn." Harry said. "And don't pout, you did just throw a drink in my face."

She gaped as he turned his back and stalked off and she had to run and catch up.

oooooooooo

The door to the potions classroom banged inward and slammed against the wall with a thunderous explosion of noise. Bubba the Hairy Pixy and a cigar hovered there for a second surveying the room. It moved forward and spotted the Potion Master staring at it in shock.

"There yew are." It said and took a puff on the cigar.

"Get out of this classroom this instant!" Snape yelled and threw a blue spell at the pixy.

Bubba moved out of the way and spell hit one of the Hufflepuff students, causing him to fly back, and hit the wall. The Pixy sneered, gave a huff that sent his fat belly jiggling, and flew at Snape in the blink of an eye. Snape was propelled backwards until he hit the back wall. Bubba was holding onto his robe and using his feet to brace himself. "You be the one alrighty. Potter sends his regards Snivilous."

Snape went from confused to pissed off in an instant and opened his mouth. But Bubba was faster, leaned close as his cigar moved from one side his mouth to the other. "AGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! YOU HEAR THAT YOU POMPUS ASS? AGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

The students ducked under their desks to try and get away from the high pitched scream. His work done, Bubba flew out of the room. Leaving Snape pinned to the wall…wearing a Japanese school girl uniform, wearing makeup, and styled twin pony tails on each side of his head.

Dumbledore arrived seconds later and could only stare in shock. He also didn't notice the giggling House Elf at his feet or when his robe turned into a copy of what Snape was wearing. He even had bows in his beard, which just didn't suit him at all.

Snape's scream of horror echoed over the school for a full five minutes before he ran out of the classroom. Seconds later Prank Lord Potter's insane laugh echoed over the entire school.

"BWHAHAHAHAHAHAH! MISCHIEF MANAGED!"

oooooooooo

To be Continued…

Notes: I had a different version of chapter seven finished a week or so ago and as I was looking it over I realized that I'd let to much angst and gore into the chapter. So I scrapped that, threw this chapter together in five days, and called it a hundred times better.

People are probably wondering why Harry had Hermione with him by now. She isn't really a calming influence on him. She's more like a sounding board to test his ideas on. While most of his pranks are random to a degree he does take time to tell her about them and he judges by her reaction if it will be good or not.

Now where did those squirrel remarks go. Look out, it's Squirrel Girl! She's after me…aghaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!


	9. Bombs Away!

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRRELS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST. THE SQUIRRLES ARE REBELLING…RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES… 

AGHAAAAAAAAA! IT'S SQUIRREL GIRL AND SHE'S GOT A VULCAN CANNON!

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.

oooooooooo   
Coven of the Rose   
Chapter 08   
By CRose   
© 2006   
oooooooooo

"How is he?" Dumbledore asked as he stepped up to the bed where Kingsley Shacklebolt lay. A nurse was checking him over.

"Well, he seems to be fine physically, but its his mind that we are worried about Headmaster." The nurse explained. "Any idea what was done to him? He doesn't show any signs of spell damage."

"He's been trying to track down Harry Potter." Dumbledore said.

"HehHehhehHehHeh…" Kingsley said with a manic grin on his face.

The nurse giggled a little and dabbed a cloth across the Auror's head. "I see. Potter has been rather busy the last few months."

Albus just nodded. "Indeed."

"Well Auror Shacklebold should be up and around here in a few months if he is given time to recover."

"Any sooner than that?"

"HehHehhehHehHeh…who ya'gonna call?"

"He might be on his feet a lot sooner than that. The only problem is that if he is exposed to more stress he just might revert back to this state again. I'd like to avoid that, and it means giving him a forced vacation."

"I'll keep that in mind." Dumbledore said as he turned to leave and stopped with a little gasp. The nurse turned and gaped at the fifty green robed house elves standing on every surface in the room. They were standing, kneeling, squatting, and even laying down.

"Giant Chicken! I tell you it was a giant chicken! Call KFC and tell'em we have a big one on our hands! Hehehehehe!"

Green glowing eyes glared at Dumbledore for several seconds before the elves started to vanish one by one, until there was only one left. Dobby pushed his hood back to look up at Dumbledore. "Why you hurt Master Harry?"

"Dobby, I didn't hurt Harry."

"You left Master Harry Potter in that hole for two years."

"Tom would have gone after him eventually." Dumbledore insisted.

Dobby shook his head. "You are wrong. Dobby talked to evil one's house elf and she said that there were no plans to ever attack Master Harry."

This surprised Dumbledore. "All my evidence…"

"Came from traitor Snapey wappy. He looked nice in his new dress." Dobby growled. "Yet you took his word above others. We will make all pay for mistake."

"Now Dobby…" Dumbledore stated sternly.

"HehHehhehHehHeh…pluck pluck pluck!" Kingsley yelled and started cackling. The nurse was doing what she could talk him down.

"You have no right to order Dobby around." Dobby stated and snapped his fingers.

Dumbledore felt his personal wards collapse, much to his horror, and he backed up as the world shifted. He found himself looking up at Dobby as he replaced his hood and those eerie green eyes lit up once more.

"You is bad and selfish man who only cares about himself and no one else." Dobby vanished with a little pop. "Maybe you learn lesson this time?

Bunny rabbit Dumbledore twitched his ears and looked around to see that everyone in the ward except for Kingsley appeared to be rabbits of various colors and sizes. He sighed and started trying to reverse the transformation wandlessly. A few minutes later his nose twitched as he tried to cuss.

Wiggle twitch wiggle. Was anything going to go right this year?

"He's gonna getcha, HehHehhehHehHeh…" Kingsley giggled to himself. "Bun-ny, heh…sleeepy"

oooooooooo

After taking a shower, Harry decided it was time to take a little break from the Prank War and develop some new ideas. Not that he was going to stop anything already in the works. Ron Weasley was on today's list and boy was he going to get it. He wandered through his new home and wondered just how much the elves had changed recently. The house tended to change around every few days so he was never quite sure where anything was at any given point. He still hadn't managed to relocate that house's room of requirement yet. One day he would find it and use it for what it was designed for, an emergency bathroom.

He wandered over to the library and breathed a sigh of relief that it hadn't moved to a different part of the house. He headed over to the Book of Knowledge sitting on it's stand in the middle of the circular room and flipped through it until he came to the newest pages. A lot of the spells he'd used recently came from the book and gave him a serious advantage.

The ups and downs of magic of the years fascinated him to no end. Instead of focusing on wars and goblins like most history books, Harry was learning about the rise of magic during the years before Merlin showed up. Professor Binns would have gladly possessed the nearest teenage girl and bore his children for this information. He already knew how to start training himself to do wandless magic too, opening Portals, and even confuse modern day Wards.

Life was good. And the Book of Knowledge was a gift from the gods.

A picture fell off the wall behind him for no particular reason.

Ancient magic just made the current stuff look pathetic. The newest pages from the Book were quite interesting though. He wrote down several spells in his notebook so that he could examine them a little closer later on. He could only smirk a little as he recalled how much Hermione squirmed when he started showing her the new spells.

It was kind of cute, in a purely plutonic unromantic way. He nodded to himself as thoughts of Hermione in black lingerie ended up dragged deep into his brain and packed away for later use. At the same though, an idea was forming in his head as his a magic quill copied out the text as he read the spell notes. It wasn't the most original idea and the spell wasn't exactly ancient, just unused.

He quickly ruled out having a several hundred snakes dancing on the steps of the ministry while hissing a new age dance song. Seconds later he found himself humming 'back racken beat' and twitching a little as if dancing. Thumping his head against the wall, he did his best to bet the song out of his head and moved on.

No one would get it, even if the snakes were break dancing and spinning on their heads occasionally, using their bodies to form letters. The stupid inbred yokels just didn't have the brainpower to understand his subtleties. As he left the library, he noticed several snakes were slithering through hallway as they headed for the oversized bathroom the House elves had improved upon. They all seemed rather happy and tended to gossip with each other, though they rarely stayed a the house anymore.

They were wild animals after all, so they tended to head into the bathroom or the woods most of the time unless he called for them specifically. Of course, Quint was still around. For some reason he liked to move through all that gold filling up the guest bedroom. Swimming in it all day long and hissing happily. As he walked down the hall, he slowed to a stop as he saw a wall slowly sliding to the side to reveal a small passageway.

The house may have changed quite a bit, but he knew all the rooms in the house. Except one, now that he thought back a little. It was the room that he hadn't been able to enter when he first arrived after escaping Azkaban. "What do we have here?" He muttered.

A quick check proved that he had his wand/staff in the arm holster he wore all the time. So he adjusted his green robe and stepped through the hidden doorway. There was a short hallway that led back about fifteen feet that ended at a very old tapestry that covered the entire wall, ten feet high and almost five feet wide.

Holding his wand up he filled the hallway with enough light to see everything and was mildly surprised. Centuries ago, long before magical portraits came into existence the wizarding world used tapestries. As time went by these ancient wall rugs were either destroyed or just lost their magic.

He could remember reading about them recently though. The tapestries were more durable than a portrait and could last for over a thousand years before the magic left them. The rug depicted a middle aged man sitting on a throne made of dark oak wood. Harry wasn't to surprised to see the man look up at him before glancing around.

"I'm awake, fascinating."

"Who are you?" Harry asked.

The man appeared surprised. "You don't know?"

"I wouldn't have asked if I already knew." He dead panned.

Leaning back, the man stretched and rubbed his shoulders. "I'm called Reise."

Harry raised an eyebrow.

The man huffed. "You still don't recognize me?"

"Nope, and now I'm thinking of leaving." Harry admitted and started wiggling around. "I've got this itch you see and it's driving me nuts."

"Long ago I was just a normal boy setting out into the world, my ancestors taught me magic, my parents taught me about live, and my sisters were more than happy to demonstrate. It was a good life." The man gained a perverted smile and started chuckling in a creepy way.

"Heh heh he heh heh he."

Reise coughed and continued. "What I didn't know was that this evil was rising near my home village. Our leaders were trying to stem the darkness as they had so many times before, but this time it was one of our own coming to call."

Harry yawned.

"Hey, this story is pure gold. Let me have a little fun."

"Just get on with it or I'll sick my house elf on you with a rug beater."

"Um, okay." The man said and looked around nervously. "Anyway, my mother gave this foretelling and declared that I was to be the village's savior. Me, Reise the Womanizer, the one who makes women swoon at the mere mention of his name…:

"Get on with it." Harry growled and pulled his wand out and gave it a few flicks.

Reise gulped and paled a bit. "Um…I was in shock, but I dutifully took up my sword and went out to meet this evil. After telling all the unwed girls in the village of course, I had a reputation to maintain, and boy did it work." He smiled wickedly.

Harry had to agree it was a good plan. "I'll have to try that sometime."

"Now I wasn't really looking forward to this fight, understand, I'm a lover and tend to avoid fighting at all costs. I wasn't particularly strong magically and tended to study the pleasurable arts…"

Harry pretended to look at his wrist. "Look at the time, I'd better get going. See you around and all that rot…"

"Wait!" Reise yelled.

Harry stopped, but didn't turn back around. "What?"

"I'm guarding a door. You just need to tell me the name of the man who created this place and I'll let you into the other half of the place."

He turned back around. "How about you just tell me the name and then I'll give it to you?"

"That isn't how this works."

Harry's eyes started to twinkle as he steps towards the tapestry. "Oh I think you'll be telling me very soon."

Seconds later screams could be heard echoing down the short hallway. A couple of elves poked their heads around the entrance to see what was going on, winced, and went back to cleaning on the other side of the house. A few minutes later strange lights and smoke started to billow out of the hallway along with screams of mercy.

"Ohshitohshitohshitohshit I'mgoingtodie!" Echoed through the house.

"Hey, I like the password." Harry said with a laugh.

"No! I'll tell, I'll tell!"

The house rumbled for several seconds before things settled down again. By this time, Hermione was racing down the hall to see what was going on. She skidded to a halt and ran over to Harry, who was looking at another passage way where the tapestry used to hang.

"Not the most original password, but quite unique for its use I must admit." Harry said aristocratically. "Hello Hermione, looky what I found."

"A hole in the wall?"

"Exactly!" Harry yelled.

"And where does it lead?"

"I have no idea. The Tapestry needed to be persuaded to open up."

Said tapestry was now hanging from the ceiling, its edges burned beyond recognition and Reise was curled up on his throne crying like a baby."

"What did you do to him?"

"I just played with the magic a little. Nothing that would hurt him to much." Harry explained, waved his hand, and Reise suddenly turned into a tiny green frog like creature.

"Kapa!"

"So where does this lead?" Harry asked.

"Kapakapakakapakapa!"

The Kapa burst into tears again and ran behind his throne to hide. Harry grinned, shrugged, and decided that the tapestry was completely useless. "I guess I'll have to do this the old fashioned way. I'll find out on my own."

With that Harry moved down the hallway and looked around here and there. Hermione quickly followed him as the walkway started to descend deep into the earth. "Weren't we just on the second floor?"

"Yep."

"There are days when magic gives me a complete headache." Hermione admitted.

"I thought it gave you static electricity?" Harry admitted.

"Huh? Where did you come up with that?"

"It thought it would explain the bushy hair." Harry quipped. "Though a number of the guys at school were curious if you were bushy all over?"

She gasped, slapped him, and gaped at him in shock as she started to sputter.

Shrugging, Harry pulled out his wand again and lit up the passageway. "I wonder if there is anything down here."

"The tapestry back there would seem to suggest that something is back here." Hermione snapped.

"I'm kind of excited." Harry said. "Everything in this place has been really useful so far. I wonder what well find this time?"

"That library of yours is incredible. I think that almost every book in there is either rare or completely lost to history. So I'm hoping for more books."

"Yep they are, and I'm only about halfway through them."

Hermione huffed and shrugged. She just wasn't sure how to read Harry anymore. Azkaban had just altered him on so many levels he was like a completely different person. "I've noticed that you haven't touched any of the modern books yet."

"Eh, I'll get around to them eventually. I wouldn't have been able to pull off the giant Iguana with modern magic after all. The poor thing is still running around muggle neighborhoods stepping on cars and frightening the animals."

"Maybe you should banish it then?" She suggested.

"Naw, the muggles are happy to see the thing. Didn't you see them running around like ants the other day? I've never seen them so happy to be chasing after a giant lizard. I wonder what they will do with the thing if they ever catch it? Eewwww!"

"What?"

Harry lifted his shoe and started scraping something off on the edge of a nearby wall. "Stepped on something."

"Well be more careful." She muttered. "What did you step on anyway?"

"Looks like it might have been a spider at some point, though the little hat is a bit strange."

Hermione gagged and looked away.

"Hey check this out." Harry said a couple of minutes later. He pointed his wand ahead of them. "We seem to have reached the end of the passageway."

Hermione peaked over his shoulder to get a better look. "It's a circular room."

"Yep." Harry admitted mildly. He could feel a lot of magic held within the room as well. It impossible to tell what it was doing though. His sensing abilities were still in the novice levels. Conjuring a small frog he tossed it into the room and watched as it burst into fire before it hit the floor. "Ah, that's pleasant."

"That was gross!" Hermione gasped. "Don't do that again!"

He shrugged. "Better him than us."

"Look at the basic shape of the ceiling as it ascends to a point. That reminds of how the inside of a pyramid would look like from the inside."

"Can you feel the magic?"

"I don't feel a thing." Hermione admitted.

"There is a lot of magic in that room." Harry said. He had an idea what the room was used for too. Something that went out of use a very long time ago now that he thought about it some of the stories he'd been reading about in the Book. He would have to check some of the early pages to make sure though. "We better leave, I need to look something up before we enter the room."

"Do you know what it is?"

"I think it's a focus chamber. What wizards used before wands were invented."

Hermione gasped. "These are supposed to be sacred rooms. Only the oldest and purest pureblood families posses them."

"Yep, dead useful too."

"Just think of all the possibilities."

Harry nodded as he turned around and headed back the way he had come. "This changes my plans a little."

"You have plans?" Hermione asked in shock. She looked a little skeptical or would that be hysterical?

"Sure, I plan a whole hour in advance before I do anything. Anything after that is completely random." A nearby chair fell apart as they walked by and burst into flame.

Harry didn't glanced at it, shrugged, and headed for the kitchen. "Want something to eat? I'm in the mood for some BBQ ribs."

Exasperated, Hermione sighed and wondered what would happen next.

Harry started whistling some kind of weird song that sounded vaguely familiar.

"…back racken beat…uh uh unh! Yeah…"

oooooooooo

All across Britain Dobby and his team of elves worked like a well oiled machine as they invaded house after house to kidnap death eaters from their beds or where ever they lay. They sent them into a deeper sleep, trussed them up with red bows, and sent them to Harry's little prison.

After about a dozen little death eaters they felt it was time to take down a couple of big ones. By the time midnight rolled around Aurors were stumbling across houses turned into giant blocks of limburger cheese with a giant Laughing 'P' hovering above the house. Harry was still trying to find the perfect symbol for his army so he tried something new every few days.

The Lestrange brothers knew that something was wrong the instant the elves entered the house. The first clue was when the family house elf ran screaming out the back door with its ratty doily on fire, it was kind of obvious even to them. All the furniture turned into cotton candy and little green robed elves started to appear throughout the house.

They tried to run for it but having its hard to run when our clothing turns to runny caramel. The last thing they saw was seven spheres appearing out of nowhere and blasting them. They collapsed to the floor in a heap. Dobby surveyed the scene, nodded to himself, and the elves took a few minutes to gnaw the legs off the dining room table for no apparent reason.

During the course of the next few hours, they managed to grab a silver pawed rat near the Burrow. Bellatrix Lestrange was easy to capture as she came home from a rough night of torture and mayhem among the muggles. Harry had the elves give her the special treatment as they captured her though. By the time she arrived in her cell she was dressed in a pink dress, with bows. And a diaper since she liked to talk like a baby.

One by one major death eaters started to fall.

Fenrir Greyback got chased across London by a series of news papers swatting him on the nose and ass as he ran in a panic. This punishment came complete with a flea bath, grooming, and his shots. The fact that he was human at the time and not in his wolf form just made it funnier as far as Harry was concerned. By the time the elves were done with him he was curled into a ball inside his 'special' cage. A magically reinforced pet carrier full of doggy chew toys.

Harry was on hand as each death eater appeared in his growing basement prison. Each one of them shrunk down to the size of a little doll. By the end of the week he hoped to have them all off the streets. After that, he would have to find something to do with them. Maybe he could find and shrink a dozen or so Dementors.

At Malfoy Manor things didn't go quite as they planned. The elves were surprised to find that Draco Malfoy didn't have the dark mark. So they glued him to the front door with a permanent sticking charm and cast several spells. After that he would work just like a portrait, taking passwords, and opening the door only when commanded.

One of the elves happily painted every square inch of his body in a leaf motif. They didn't manage to find Lucius, but Harry was sure it was only a matter of time. He already knew where Voldemort was hiding out after all, so he just had to get the ready to take the moron down. He would have to let him know that he wasn't as safe as he thought he was though.

That plan was in the beginning stages though. He had other people to Roast first and boy were they going to get an ear full. He wandered through the basement to make sure all the death eaters were safely tucked away and that Patric was on the job. He just got such a thrill listening to six inch people threaten to kill him. It was just so cute.

"Potter, you better let us out of here!" Rodolphus Lestrange screamed from his cage.

Harry glanced down at him and took a second to fill his little water dish. "Your five inches high, exactly what are going to do? Gnaw my toenail off?"

"Where are out wands!" Bellatrix bellowed.

This made Harry smirk a little. "I gave them to my elves."

"What!" Half the room screamed.

"They wanted to do something interesting with them."

"Bring us our wands and let us out boy, or I'll make your death last for hours."

"Who are you again?" Harry asked.

"I'm…"

"Nobody, except dinner for my snake if you don't shut up."

"Please, you don't have the balls to kill me."

Harry grinned and his madness was visible to all. "Really? Want to test that theory? I've got so many ideas floating around my head right now."

"Um…" The man squeaked.

"Thank you for volunteering."

"I did…"

"Yep." Harry interrupted and waved his hand and front of the cage vanished. An elf appeared, reached in, and grabbed him before he could get away. Harry gave him a nod. "I think its time to start the re-education."

"Of course Master Harry."

Harry's manic grin turned to take in all the other prisoners. "This is going to be so much fun."

The elf took the man into the room next door and soon his screams were echoing around the room. These weren't Crucio screams either, but terror filled screams that reached into their souls. Harry giggled.

"Come, come, it's time to play 'Pick your Brains' who wants to be first?" Harry frowned. "Don't make me pick who goes first. You might not enjoy what I'll do to pick one of you."

"Aghaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

"Now who's going to go first."

oooooooooo

Next door, the unknown death eater was bound, gagged, and tied to a tiny table. Several feet away two elves ignored him as they played some kind of device that screamed whenever they turned the handle. They giggled as they did it and kept glancing at him. He also wondered what the butter was going to be used for. It just sat a little too innocently on the table next to his foot.

oooooooooo

Harry glanced down at Peter Pettigrew and cocked his head to the side. "Hello Peter, you won't be first. You'll be last. I want your suffering to last the rest of your life after all. To know that every breath you take is because I let you live. Because you are such a coward that being tortured means more to you than friendship. You masochist you, who knew you liked it so rough."

Harry's grin split half his face as his head whipped to the side and he looked down into the tiny cage. "Yess, let us make an example of you."

In his cage, Gregory Goyle screamed and wet himself as Harry's giant hand reached down and plucked him out of the cage. "No!"

"Yes, you know how I like to hear them scream!"

"Aghaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

"Just like that! Bwhahahahahahahaha!" Harry threw his head back and cackled. "I've come up with a rather unique way to use butter. I think you'll like it because it involves a wand and certain portions of your anatomy, and a bit of packing." He said as he left the room to let the death eaters think up all kinds of horrors themselves.

Caractacus Burke of the Borgin and Burkes shop in Knockturn alley cowered in his cage as giant Harry Potter stomped by looking completely insane. He edgee to the back of the cage and wondered when his time would come. He knew of a dozen simple spells that could make a man scream like that and none of them were very nice spells.

Two cages over his partner Borgin cowered under his bed as Patric the Boa Constrictor rose up to look into his cage. He couldn't help wondering why the snake looked like it was hungry.

oooooooooo

The mess in Knockturn took says to clean up and it allowed the Aurors to finally go in and clean things up a bit. Hags and other monsters were driven back and hadn't been seen since Potter's Elves stole their pants and skirts and made a giant bonfire in the middle of the alley.

Dozens of stores went underground, vanished over night, and reappeared in new places all over the world. Within a week, several other stores went legit just to stay in business after being raided five times in three days by the authorities. Laughing dust tended to pop up in the oddest places to attack people wandering through the alley in a daze.

Just hearing someone laughing uncontrollably sent dozens of people running in the other direction. Of course, the biggest surprise wasn't even reported to the authorities. The already popular prank store run by Fred and George Weasley had its entire stock vanish in the middle of the night. They knew that Harry took the stock and he left about twenty thousand galleons piled on floor at the end of their beds as payment. About four times what all the stuff was worth too.

They couldn't wait to see what was going to happen when all that pranking material was used. By now, even as they made more, they understood that Harry didn't usually do anything small. Two days later a life size poster of Snape in his school girl dress appeared on their counter and they nearly died laughing.

It hung on the wall just behind their counter now and sent everyone that saw it into fits of giggles. They heard that Harry had gotten Dumbledore as well, but no one would give them a peak at that memory when they asked. Dumbledore was stalking around the castle in a foul mood and scaring any of the students that may have seen him in the dress.

Hundres of miles away an elf wearing a green robe giggled as it deposited a small ball on the floor of a bedroom and tapped it. He disappeared just as it started to glow. The glow increased to the point where it woke up the boy in the bed.

Blinking his eyes Ron rolled over and pulled his wand as he realized something was wrong. Squinting into the bright light he had a feeling that Potter had finally come for him and leveled is wand. "Come out you bastard! I'll make you pay."

"DIFFINDO!"

The severing charm flew out of his wand and through bright light. It impacted the far wall and sliced right through it. Rolling out of bed Ron cautiously stepped forward. Only to stop when he felt a shiver go down his spine and make his hair stand on end.

"Potter?" He hissed.

"Thsssss."

The noise, barely heard, was familiar enough to make him step back. The light seemed to draw in on itself until Ron found himself looking up at a giant Acromantula. It turned to look at it him with all those beady eyes. Ron bit back a scream as his worst nightmare stood before.

"Thssss, you want to play." It said, in a high pitched lisping voice. "I soo want to plaay with you."

Ron ran for it when it started talking. It scuttled after him with a couple of lazy strides, knocking him to the floor and crouching over him. "Nononono…"

"You shiver in delight." It lisped again. "I will play with one as cute as you."

"Nonononono! I don't want to be spider food!"

It knelt down until its fangs were mere inches from his face. "Thssss, that's what you think cute stuff."

Three hours Molly Weasley found her son trussed up in a spider web and hanging from the ceiling of his room. She never did find his clothing though and wondered why he would curl into a ball and whimper whenever a spider got near him. Or scream 'The lisp, the lisp!' at odd times.

oooooooooo

Two days later, with a swirl of energy, a large disk of magical energy appeared a few inches off the ground and stabilized. Harry stepped out of the Portal and looked around. The cemetery in Little Hangleton was just like he remembered it. Run down and dreary enough to keep the muggles from entering it for any reason.

Off in the distance he could see the Riddle House over looking the small village. Even from this distance he could see the wards glimmering in the starlight. It rather reminded him of the air coming from Dudley's room on bean burrito night. The nearly black sky didn't even have a moon illuminating the town tonight. His staff appeared in his hand as he walked across the graveyard with slow methodical steps until he came to a tombstone.

This was where Riddle had tied him up and taken his blood almost three years earlier. Back when he still believed that an adult might actually believe that his thoughts and feelings meant anything. Almost a year before he was tossed into hell. As far as he was concerned, this was where his whole life started to go down the toilet.

Harry was sure that Tom was inside the house and considered walking over and inviting him out for spot of tea. He grinned a little at the thought. His elves were very quickly undermining Tom's base of supporters with every passing day. Soon, very soon the only one left would be Tom himself. The elves were already taking care of any non-human support he might have dredged up as well.

Vampires already familiar with what happened at Knockturn Alley found themselves faced with something they never considered before. House Elves that were willing glue their beds shut during the day using cement and a large truck. The horror of Harry Potter's revenge was spreading around the world and Voldemort supporters were fleeing before things go worse.

Werewolves found themselves faced with a different dilemma in the form of an elf delivered letter that simply listed the various vet prices for neutering dogs with bad tempers. At the bottom of each letter was one sentence. "Play nice or pay the price. Love Harry." The letter was clear enough as was the note from Prank Lord Potter.

That was yesterday.

Today Harry had another message to send to his old friend.

Pulling out a bag of popcorn, Harry conjures a floating chair, plants his staff into the dirt behind the chair and opens it like an umbrella, and sits down. He had to give Hermione credit for tonight's prank. It was a classic to be sure, but even the twins would have liked this one. There was something about this house that brought out the worst in people. Hell the whole town was rather shabby and run down, but the manor stood out above it all.

There, in the distance, barely visible against the stars were two large flying objects. His eyes gleamed as they got close enough to reveal that they were a pair of Hungarian Horntail Dragons 'borrowed' from a nearby reserve. The dragons reached the town and flew over the little village silently. Harry didn't want to panic innocent morons, they tended to run like lemmings towards the nearest cliff. Therefore, the dragons were only visible to any wizards in the area.

And Squirrels. Those furry little rodents had been really irritating him lately.

Wards on a house are meant to keep bad things out. While dragons are indeed 'bad things' they are a little to big and powerful for a ward to hold back. Of course Harry had taken the time to make sure the dragons didn't have to worry about the wards with a couple of spells.

They swooped down and cruised through the wards, setting off every alarm in the house. Giggling, Harry watched them fly over the house and relieve themselves like a pair of oversized pigeons. Over two hundred pounds of dragon dung landed on the roof and crashed into the house below. Even from the cemetery Harry could hear the screams issuing from the house.

Half a dozen death eaters stumbled out coughing up a storm. His elves, ever on alert, quickly popped them to the cells before they could reenter the house. Little bits of candy flew through the air and transfigured their clothing into bunny slippers. From there the slippers were herded back into the house filled with lots and lots of prank candy.

The dragons did a second fly over the house a few seconds later, dropped another 'load', and vanished into the night, their job complete. Harry was glad that dragons could speak parceltongue. It made his job so much easier and he found that dragons liked to play jokes like this all the time. Something dragon handlers wouldn't talk about, ever.

Giggling, Harry saw lights flashing within the house as several curses reflected off the remaining windows, even a green one. A fire started to issue from the second and third floors of the house a few minutes alter, though it was tinted green, and rather aromatic.

With a nod Harry got up, raised his staff into the air (still in umbrella mode) and said an incantation for an ancient Auror spell. "Levitas Cado! Leitas Cado!"

A barrage of lightning fell from the empty sky to strike the house, rip several large holes through the roof, and spread the fire even more. As the wards collapsed Harry knew that Tom wasn't in the house anymore and stood there watching as the house burned to the ground.

An hour later Aurors would find the house in ruins and a flag pole sitting in the middle of the mess. A little green flag flapping away with "Potter was here!" written in gold letters. That several piles of dragon dung that even fire couldn't destroy. Little Hangleton would rue this day for the next several months as winds blew the horrible smell down onto the village day and night.

oooooooooo

Twitching, Mad 'eye' Moody stomped his way into the Headmaster's office for the fifth time in a week. Every time a portrait moved he would pull his wand snarl. He jumped at every shadow, little noises, and met casual greetings with a blasting curse.

He looked as if he hadn't slept in a week.

It was actually two weeks, but he didn't let that slow him down in the least. He snarled at a second year as he passed her in the hall. She flipped him off and went back to drawing something on the floor. He came that close to throwing a blasting curse at the brat, but decided he would get her later.

The gargoyle that normally guarded the Headmaster's office wasn't blocking the entrance like normal, so he had no trouble getting in. He raised his fist to knock…

"Come in Alastor."

The door creaked as opened it, then fell off its hinges, and shattered as it hit the floor. They could only stare at the door for several seconds before Alastor prodded it with his wand to see if anything else would happen. Twitching a little, the man moved over to Dumbledore's desk and sat down in one of the chairs.

"A-albus, the boy…"

"You found Harry?" Albus asked eagerly.

"No, he leveled Riddle Manor last night with a half dozen dragon turds."

Dumbledore could only blink in shock.

"We found the house burning this morning when a few of the watchers noticed a pillar of smoke rising into the sky. Aurors were dispatched and found the place a burning pile of rubble." Alastor's eye started tick. His wand is instantly aimed at the head of a house elf that popped into deliver a morning tea.

"Eeep!" It vanished and the edge of Dumbledore's desk vanished as the old Auror blasted it.

"Alastor, please calm down."

The old Auror forced himself to calm down, but kept his fake eye on the portraits behind him. You never knew when one of them would try and kill you for being alive. He snarled. "I've a-also got a report that he loosed a homo Acromantula on Ronald Weasley early this morning."

"Molly called and told me about that one. The twins are of course delighted and admitted that Harry used one of their pranks."

"It was a prank?" Moody sputtered.

"I have to admit that Harry's actions are perplexing. Severus is so angry right now that I had to have Poppy overdose him on Calming Drought. At the moment he's sitting in his room staring into space and asking when the sky turned orange." Albus shook his head.

Moody laughed. "Forget about the waste of air. The boy is out of control and we have to stop him before something really bad happens."

"I'm open to suggestions. I've tried several things myself and they've all failed."

"Tracking charms?"

"Nymphadora ended up in America for a week being forced to watch some kind of moving picture called Narnia over and over again. She hasn't been the same since, keeps muttering about talking lions and ice statues."

"Scrying?"

"Ah that. Poor Sybill was forced to watch fifty hours of something called Power Rangers on her crystal ball."

"Then how about a hidden portkey?"

"We're still searching for Emmeline Vance. Just last week Severus was able to find her shoes in South America and her bra in France. We aren't quite sure where the rest of her might be."

"Anything else?"

"Well Hagrid's beard mysteriously fell out when he tried to contact Harry. And Minerva seems to attracted an admirer, though she hasn't had time to even look for Harry. A chap named Bubba, a rather odd looking fairy. Severus was in the process of strangling him when Minerva saved him. He's been hitting on her ever since. Says he likes women like her with padding in all the right places." He says mildly.

Alastor growled. "Humph!"

"So, I'm out of ideas. You have anything?"

Alastor got up and stomped out of the room.

"Please be on your guard." He called out. Yes, drinking calming potion in his tea was such a nice way to have breakfast. His magic wasn't blowing up his bookshelves or twisting Fawks' perch out of shape anymore.

Now if only he could get rid of his craving for raw carrots and lettuce.

oooooooooo

To be Continued…

Notes: I'm not quite satisfied with a couple of scenes in this chapter, but I think it's time to post it before I spend another week trying to improve it. I hope everyone likes it. Now that the death eaters are out of the way, mostly, it's time for Harry to really start pulling out all the stops.


	10. We Got The Little Bastard Now

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRRELS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST. THE SQUIRRLES ARE REBELLING…RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES… 

AGHAAAAAAAAA! IT'S SQUIRREL GIRL AND SHE'S GOT A PHASER RIFLE! RUN, RUN FOR YOUR S-A-N-I-T-Y!

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.

oooooooooo   
Coven of the Rose   
Chapter 09 – We've Got The Little Bastard Now   
By CRose   
© 2006   
oooooooooo

Harry laughed as the Pensive finished playing the destruction of Riddle Manor yet again. Beside him Hermione just sat in her chair. He could tell that she was in a state of shock at what he'd pulled off.

"Wha…How…"

"I had the elves pop over to the dragon preserve and cast a few spells for me. Once the dragons were in position I explained what I wanted and they were all for it and spent a few minutes giggling. When they found out whose house they were 'bombing' they couldn't wait to 'drop their load'.

Hermione slapped his arm and huffed. "I can't believe you're doing these things."

"The whole wizarding world turned their backs on me Hermione. That's why I'm doing this. Revenge, revenge for my godfather, my parents, and everyone else that's been shafted by the wizarding world's idea of right and wrong." Harry snarled. Then downed half a bag of popcorn. "This stuff is pretty good. Never had it before, want some, I think I have another bag of the stuff around here somewhere."

"Harry…"

"You know, I'm thinking of building my own inner circle."

"What?"

"Well Voldemort has his circle and the old fart has his own version, why can't I have mine?" Harry whined.

"Because you aren't going to do that!"

"Feh, actually I was thinking about it last night as I roasted a marshmallow over the burning pile that used to be Riddle Manor…"

"You what!" Hermione screamed. "You went back!"

"…and I think Luna would be a great addition. She's got a great way of looking at the world. Oh, and thank you for giving me the idea for last night's mission." Harry said and patted her on the back.

"So you only ate one marshmallow?" Hermione asked, still a little shocked and not processing information fast enough.

"Well, I had a whole bag, but then the elves wanted to try them too. So I sent them off to get some graham crackers and chocolate bars so we could eat smores."

"You what?"

"Then the elves beat this other elf up, one of the new recruits I think, for trying to sing Kum By Ya, or whatever it's called. I was to busy laughing at them to stop them…"

"What do you mean I gave you the idea to use those dragons!" Hermione finally caught up.

Harry nodded. "You were describing that stuff from World War Two the other day and comparing it what's happening now."

"So?"

"Well those bombing runs you described gave me the idea."

"I did not tell you to have two dragons shit on Riddle Manor!"

Harry barked a laugh. "True, but it was just too good to pass up. Now I've got think up my next foray into the world."

Hermione huffed.

"Hey, let's blow up all the toilets in Hogwarts!"

"No!"

"Ah, you're no fun anymore." Harry muttered. "So, any dip left? I wanna watch the house go up again."

"I'm not going to be able to talk you out of any of this, am I?"

"I suppose I could be persuaded." Harry admitted. "Though why you don't want to watch the Pensive again is beyond me."

"I don't care about the stupid memory!"

Harry nodded. "Good, grab some popcorn and we can plan how to recruit Luna into our group."

Defeated, Hermione collapsed into the chair next to Harry and nibbled on some popcorn.

Harry grinned, he loved to win and handed her a pudding cup. "Here."

"Where did you get this?"

He looked to the side. "Um, you don't want to know." And hit the play button to watch the dragons again. "Hehehehehe."

Splut Splut

oooooooooo

From the Quibbler on Monday…

…Bellatrix Lestrange was delivered to the Ministry yesterday afternoon. Normally this would be a good thing, but the Ministry is hiding some facts from you, the public. The notorious death eater famous for torturing the Longbottom family into insanity just hours after He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named vanished was found in the middle of Auror Command dressed as a baby. Wearing a diaper, booties, and making weird baby noises…

…Today in Hogsmead, fifteen women at the Hogshead bar were mugged and their underwear stolen by a group of green robed house elves…

…All across the Wizarding world Muggleborn Witches and Wizards have started to find bags of galleons just appearing in their homes along with a note written by You-Know-Who apologizing for being a dick head…Sources are trying to confirm if this is true…

…Muggle authorities scratch their heads as five truck loads of triple ply toilet paper vanishes before their eyes, witnesses mentioned several small animals in green robes near the trucks just before everything vanished…

…Prank Lord Potter spotted roasting marshmallows…

oooooooooo

"Harry, what are you going to do with all those books?" Hermione asked as she looked out the window later in the day.

"What books?"

"The ones that you stole from Knockturn Alley."

Harry blinked a few times. "I took books?"

"Harry!"

He laughed. "You are way too easy to rile up lately Hermione. I'm not sure what I'll do with them at the moment. Why?"

"I wanted to read a few of them." She tried to look cute and innocent. "Please?"

"Well they do need to be sorted into safe books and RUN-FOR-YOUR-LIVES-ITS-GOING-TO-EAT-YOUR-SOUL! books. The elves can do that though."

"Anything is better than that!" Hermione yelled and pointed out the window.

Harry wandered over and glanced out side. "Ah, it seemed like a good idea at the time."

"That's all you have to say!"

Harry shrugged. "It's a good use for the things. I'm glad the elves thought of it."

"They're building dog house out of dark arts books!" She yelled.

It was then that Harry realized that Hermione loved books. So much so that didn't care what was in them, just so long as she could read them. "The dogs need a dog house."

"Then conjure one up!"

"But…"

"No! I want those books in the library where they belong!" Hermione yelled, even her face was starting to take on a Dursley like shade of red. For a second Harry thought she was going to start frothing at the mouth too.

"But…"

"Now!"

Hanging his head, he wandered out of the room and down into the back yard. The elves weren't happy about it either. They thought it was good use for the books. The dogs, strays that only came around every few days, would have liked a place to come out of the cold. After all what else could anyone do with a thousand darks arts books?

Maybe he could use them to line the bottom of a privy? Naw, Hermione wouldn't like that either. Once that was done Harry let Hermione start reading through the books he thought were safe enough. As soon as she was occupied he grabbed his green robe and headed outside. He had several ideas running through his head and wasn't sure which one to do first.

"Master." A voice hissed.

"Hello little one." He said to the little gardener snake. "What's going on?"

"I've been asked to tell you that the bearded moron is going to set a trap for you."

Harry blinked. "Hmm, were you given anymore details?"

"He can track your magic now." Was hissed.

"Thank you little one. I've been expecting this so I'm not surprised."

The snake nodded and slithered off under a nearby bush. Snakes were a pragmatic bunch and didn't like to waste time or words. He'd known for some time that either Dumbledore or Voldemort would find a way to get to him. It wasn't as if he was hiding either. In the last few weeks he'd made about a dozen appearances in public.

He'd only really been making Dumbledore's life hell as an after thought. All his victims came first and the old man after the fact. A spur of the moment attack that was to good to pass up. Over the last year several plans were tossed to the side as he built up his magic and knowledge. "Scar."

The House Elf appeared with a little pop. "Master?"

"How goes the round up?"

"As far as we can tell, we've collected over three hundred death eaters and have them stored below."

"How many are left to grab?"

"About a dozen. All of them are just supporters though and haven't taken the mark like the others."

"They hold positions of power?"

"Yes sir, with the Wizengamot."

Harry hummed to himself as he considered the final few. He didn't really care about the Wizengamot anymore. It wasn't' as if he had any good experiences with them after all. If the whole thing collapsed under its weight, he'd just laugh his head off and not think about them anymore. "Good, we'll have to hit them soon, but they aren't that important. Just cut off their money and they'll be squealing like babies the first time they have to do something themselves."

Scar nodded.

"Now, it seems Dumbledore has found a way to track me."

"We haven't detected any kind of tracking spells on you or any of the elves. How?"

"I'm not sure, but I think we need to set plan 'A' in motion."

"Of course sir." Scar smirked.

Harry's plans were a bit odd, well, mainly odd with a dash of weird, strange, and crazy mixed in to get things just right. As Scar vanished, Harry headed back into the house and headed to his newly discovered Focus Room. He stood at the barrier that covered the entrance for several seconds before stepping through.

Hermione would have chewed him out for being reckless enough to just enter the room, but ever since he found it, he'd felt it calling to him. According to his library and some things he read while at Hogwarts places like this were treasured among the pureblood families. They were great for performing rituals and specialized potions.

Now that he was in the room he realized that it looked different. Far larger than what he could see from the barrier. He made his way over to the far end of the room and found several cabinets lining the wall. Something about the room was drawing his attention as he moved. A complete lack of sound, as if the very walls were absorbing any noise he made.

Raising his hand, he willed his magic to open one of the cabinets.

oooooooooo

From the Quibbler on Thursday…

…was found today that Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge's office walls are covered in hundreds of pairs of women's underwear. Everything from normal everyday wear, sexy lingerie, to giant granny panties covered every square inch of his office…

…For the fifth day running Godrics Hollow village is covered in billions of butterflies.

…Smores, Prank Lord Potter's own special recipe, just take a burning death eater's house, chocolate…

…Azkaban Prison, could it be the true site of Prank Lord Potter's base of operations? The Quibbler and the Public wish to know the truth, but can you handle the truth? Inquiries were impeded by guards throwing this reporter out the front door of the prison…again...I will have the truth!...

…World renowned author Gildroy Lockhart found sleeping with a poster of himself, sales of his books actually increase…

...Polititians are baffled as they arrive for work and find the Ministry building covered in muggle toilet paper...

oooooooooo

It was early afternoon when Harry appeared in Diagon Alley. He wasn't wearing his usual green robe, so no one really noticed him as he looked around. Instead he had a simple glamour covering his face making him look like a normal teen for a change. He smirked a little as he noticed that Fred and George's store was packed full of customers. The House Elf on the roof mooning everyone that entered was a great touch.

Harry recalled Dobby telling him about it the other day. Shrugging, he spent the next few minutes wandering from store to store, not really buying anything, just window shopping. He would have brought Hermione, but she was visiting her parents. This was good thing, since she was starting to lock herself in her room and make weird noises.

Every thirty seconds or so he would look around, as if expecting someone, then go back to window shopping. Eventually he wandered over to Gringotts and wondered if he should do anything about his account. He wasn't to worried about the money, he had all of Voldemort's gold after all, but he didn't want the ministry to have access to his family money either.

The Goblins weren't on his list of victims either. Shrugging that off, he decided to check his vault anther time. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted several house elves as they congregated on the roof of a building. One of them waved at him and made a complicated signal that required it to put it's leg over its head and wiggle around. Harry nodded and kept on walking, though he still wondered where the little bugger had come up with the idea of such a signal.

His elves were weird.

Suddenly he felt a want being pressed into his back! He looked over his shoulder. "Hiya Professor Moody."

The grizzled old Auror snarled at him. "I should hex you where you stand you little bastard."

"I was just having a little fun." Harry protested, he didn't look innocent at all. Its kind of hard to hide a smirk as it forms.

"Keep your hands where I can see them or else." He prodded Harry in the back again.

"No problem." This was going to be nasty. Harry wondered if what Moody would do when he realized what was happening. Right now he just hoped cooking up that potion in the bathtub had been worth the time.

At that moment Albus Dumbledore apperated in and walked over to them. "I see we finally caught you, Harry. It's time for you to go back to Azkaban."

Harry glared at the old man. "Um…No." He said mildly.

Another hard prod to the middle of Harry's back sent him stumbling forward a couple of steps. "You will go where you belong." Mad Eye growled.

He quickly regained his balance and smirked. "It was the house with chicken legs wasn't it?"

Moody started to turn red with anger. "Harry Potter, you are under arrest for multiple counts of…"

"You're retired old fart." Harry snorted. "Anyway, I haven't broken one law since I left Azkaban and you know it. It's not illegal to prank people."

"You've disrupted lives, gotten people fired, and sent dozens to St. Mungos, boy."

Harry shrugged. "They deserved it. Eh, BWAK BAKBAKBAK BAAAACK!"

Albus Dumbledore was giving him a 'you should feel guilty for that' look.

Moody raised his wand and snarled. Little sparks of magic started to jump out of the end of the wand. "That's it you little bastard."

"I'm sorry it had to come to this Harry." Dumbledore said. Though Harry could tell that he didn't mean it a bit.

Harry smirked and started to glow. "Yeah me too."

Albus started to look alarmed, Moody fired a 'Stupefy', and Harry stumbled back a couple of paces as the spell vanished into his chest. By this time they had acquired quite a crowd of people and they gasped as the disguise vanished. The Harry Potter fell to the ground with dramatic thump, he twitched a little, and raised his hand up. "I have not yet begun to Prank!"

"That'll teach you to respect people." Moody growled. "Let's get the bastard to the Ministry and end this crap once and for all."

A wave of magic exploded from the glowing body on the ground, ruffling everyone's robes, several girls shrieked as their skirts lifted high enough to flash their panties, or their lack. Suddenly, the body arched and for a few seconds before it collapsed. Harry's skin seemed to darken for a second before it started to actually melt.

The crowd gasped in horror as Harry rolled to his feet, sending melted skin flying away from his body. Giggling, it started stumbling forward, little bubbles of melting skin forming in his mouth and popping in a rather gross manner. The girls from the earlier paragraph screamed and fainted at the sight.

Breathing rather raggedly, Harry could only say one thing. "BBRRAAIINNSS!"

Grinding his teeth, Moody started firing spell after spell. Abrumpo, Discerpo, Stupefy, Everbero, even a Reducto. This left the melting boy in quite a mess as his limbless torso collapsed to the ground. Witnesses couldn't do anything except stare in shock. Harry's torso twitched, making the rest of the girls faint. Then something even worse happened.

A bubble of goop formed under what was left of the robes and expanded outward. Observers gasped as it suddenly exploded with a disgusting sound, sending several people stumbling back as a horrible odor filled the air. Dumbledore was too shocked to think straight. He wanted the boy back in Azkaban where he could be controlled, not free to run around and mess up all his plans. He hadn't expected anything like this to happen.

"Albus, what the hell was that?"

"I think it was a Golem of some kind." He said after several seconds.

"Golems are made out of stone Albus, not whatever the hell that stuff was and where's Potter?"

"He was never here."

"He tricked us?"

"Yes, we underestimated him."

"Maybe we should just leave him alone." The old Auror growled. He was starting to get a headache.

"I will drag him back to Azkaban by his underwear if I have to." Dumbledore growled. "He has a part to play in this war and he will perform it."

"Whatever you say Albus." Moody sighed. Then he spun around, startling Dumbledore and most of the crowd. The House Elf army of Prank Lord Potter were standing on top of every building in Diagon Ally, dressed in their neat little green robes, with green glowing eyes staring down on them from the darkened hoods. They were all snickering as they reached into the pouches that they all wore and pulled out something small. These quickly sailed into the air and rained down on everyone witnessing the event.

"Ah $#!." Dumbledore muttered as he brought his wand up to shield himself. Magical smoke and explosion filled the alley almost instantly. The crowd screamed in horror, because they all knew that they were screwed, and this was yet more of Potter's Revenge.

And boy was it hard to make magical laxative in the bathtub. People would later say that the Leaky Cauldron's bathrooms were never quite the same. Back at Harry's hide out/manor, he was laughing his but off as he watched the people grabbing their butts as they scrambled for the nearest place to relieve themselves.

At the same time the rest of the House Elves were taking care of another project for him. It was time to show the Ministry how easy it was to fight inbred pureblood morons. Though he didn't think that Fudge would like what he was doing. He was to busy laughing to care what Fudge thought anyway.

oooooooooo

"Sir." Percy Weasley said as he entered the Minister's office.

"Ah Percy." Fudge said. For the first time in weeks he was looking normal. He didn't look like a humanoid skunk, didn't smell even worse, and things were getting back to normal. Now all he had to do was find Potter, execute him, and all his problems were solved. He spent hours fantasizing about disemboweling Potter with a dull spoon.

"Director Bones sent me to tell you that forty five death eaters have been captured, including Bellatrix Lestrange and several other members of the death eater inner circle." Percy explained.

"Excellent! Who caught them?" This was excellent news. He immediately started to figure a way to use the captures to his advantage. It would show that he was doing his usual excellent job. Standing, he grabbed his bowler hat and squashed it down on his head. "We need to give them a medal or something, maybe a picture with me on the front page of the Prophet."

Fudge nodded, that was great idea.

Percy gulped. "It seems Harry Potter did, sir. They were all delivered by Portkey in these little cages along with instructions to spay and neuter them properly."

Fudge then did an amazing impression of Vernon Dursley, his face swelling up and turning many different shades. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF HARRY $#&$#& POTTER AND HIS GAMES!"

oooooooooo

Percy had to run from the office the Minister started throwing spells at everything in his office. The red headed boot licker knew when it was time to get away from his employer after all. Pretty much everybody in the building heard Fudge throwing another tantrum. The last few weeks had shown a number of people that it was time for some change.

In an unused room deep under the ministry, an anonymous hand rose up and deftly placed another check beside Harry Potter's name. "Sounds like Potter got to Fudge again."

"Yep, ya think the boy can keep this up for much longer?" A man wearing a robe asked.

"I don't see why not. He's driving all the players insane."

"True, but we will have to stop him eventually."

"Why?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well while Fudge is distracted and the Aurors are running around trying to contain Potter, we can do anything we want. Since Potter started this little campaign of his we've been able to secure and update the whole division without Fudge or the Wizengamot being aware of it."

"True, I just figured that Potter would have to be asked to stop eventually."

The man shrugged. "We expected him to go out and kill everyone and he starts pulling practical jokes. He even decimated Knockturn Alley in the process. The kid has his father's talent that's for sure. I'm glad we decided to free him."

A shrug. "Pass the doughnuts."

"Mmmm, chocolate sprinkles."

oooooooooo

To be Continued…Maybe Even Concluded…

Notes: Well that was a bit of a wait wasn't it? My funny bone hasn't been working lately so this chapter has been revised, edited, and rewritten several times. The Pudding Golem took a while to write up as well. It just wasn't as gross as I wanted it to be. Lets see you make pudding in a bathtub the color of human skin.

Thanks to everyone that's sent in a suggestion. This story I looking like it should only have one or two more chapters. This level of silliness can only last for so long and I'm running out of areas I can take this. Well I'll see what comes to me for the next chapter, which isn't started yet. I'll probably also update one of my other stories before I get to the next chapter of this, so keep an eye out if you follow any of those.


	11. Oh my GOD! She Reproduced!

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRRELS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST. THE SQUIRRLES ARE REBELLING…RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES… 

AGHAAAAAAAAA! IT'S SQUIRREL GIRL AND THE SQUIRREL SWARM OF DOOM!

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.

With any luck this chapter will be worth the longer than normal wait.

oooooooooo   
Coven of the Rose   
Chapter 10   
By CRose   
© 2006   
oooooooooo

Living life on the run, when being chased by incompetent Aurors, was a rather hit or miss strategy as far as Harry was concerned. He had to admit that when he came to America to buy some potions ingredients at a third of the price they were in England, he hadn't really thought about his status as a fugitive from the law. So when he was a bit confused when he stepped out of his portal, a new truck he picked up lately, seeing people pointing at him in shock didn't really register.

For the most part he had kept his attacks strictly to England and it's retarded magic areas. He wasn't about to mention what the Elves were doing to the muggle world, they had free reign after all. No one would miss all those cars that ended up on top of sky scrapers covered in pink latex painted graffiti. Pulling his hood over his head a little more, Harry waved his hand at the portal and let it close. His five body guard elves were around somewhere, they just liked to keep invisible unless they were needed.

He looked around and noticed that he was on the boardwalk next to a rather crowded beach full of overweight muggles. This was not a sight he wanted etched into his brain at this moment. It didn't help that he was still hearing those weird noises coming out of Hermione's room as he left. She hadn't talked to him in two days now and he was feeling a little lonely.

"Excuse me." A man stated as he stepped in front of Harry.

Harry eyed the man like a science project gone horribly wrong. "That has got to be the ugliest shirt I've ever seen."

"Hey, this is one hundred percent Hawaiian perfection kid." The man growled. "I'm with the local magical enforcement division."

This just made Harry nod.

"You are Harry Potter, murderer and thief?"

"Nope." Harry said.

The man relaxed. "Oh thank god."

"I'm Harry Potter, the boy tossed into jail on false evidence and hearsay to further the political career of the Giant Fudge Butt Popsicle." Harry said mildly. "That and to set up The Dark Faerie."

"Um…"

Harry smiled, patted the man on the head and wandered down the street. It took the man several seconds to figure out that he'd been transfigured into a Chihuahua with a collar that read Killer in fake diamonds. He barked in anger, chased after Harry, and ended up running out of rope as the leash tied to his collar went tight. The Chihuahua yelped as it lost all footing and careened nearly four feet into the air, its little legs still running, and landed with a thump and a yip.

A few minutes later Harry was looking at a rather odd sight. He was peering into a window at the picture of a rather cute girl wearing a very revealing bikini. Now there wasn't anything odd about this, what he found odd was that she was wearing the bikini and a rather over sized pointy wizards hat.

Now what the hell did that have to do with something called Maxi-Plus? For that matter, what the hell was Maxi-Plus and why was the ad so vague. It must have been some kind of sex device if he was to judge by the giant grin on her face.

Shrugging, he wandered on by and noticed several signs set up that only a wizard or witch could read. They pointed to the more exclusive beaches nearby that weren't overcrowded with fat people wearing much to small swimwear as they lay on the sand like beached whales. He blinked, Dudley and Vernon would be at home here. He could almost imagine people tossing water on the people and trying to get them to swim back out to sea.

At the moment, half a world away, Dolphin Dudley squeeed and thrashed as he once again cursed his cousins existence. Every time one of the freaks tried to help change him back he would change into something large, aquatic, and weird. Now why was he suddenly craving seal? Polar Bear Dudley wondered.

That settled that, he would never mention this place to them. He came to a stop in front of a small door nearly hidden behind a couple of palm trees. He headed inside and after several seconds screaming issued from the store. The windows rattled as flashed of light filled the store. Ten minutes after that he stepped outside again and tucked a small package away inside the sleeve of his robe.

As he finished putting the package away, he ignored the whimpering and sobbing issuing from the store, as a pair of rather good looking blonde haired girls sauntered up to him. Their matching white bikinis were magnificent. His eyes jiggled in time with their…assets.

"Uh…" He drooled.

"You must not be from around here." Girl one asked.

"Nope, just stopped by to buy some potions ingredients I couldn't find back home."

"Here at the beach you aren't supposed to wear the usual robe of a wizard. Just plain clothes so you blend in better." Girl two said, eyeing him like a piece of cake. She licked her lips.

Harry fidgeted a little. "Sorry, no one said a thing and I do have a couple of spells going to keep anyone from really remembering what I'm wearing.

"You'd better change out of that stuffy thing as soon as you can." Girl one said and nodded for good measure, then leaned over to give him a view down her front. "Perhaps I can 'help' you change?"

He started to feel a little braver as he got used to the girls standing so close that he could see the bits hidden by their white bikinis. Shaking his head, he gave them a nod. "I'll remember that when I come back later."

The girls nodded and ran off without saying another word. Harry, as a hormonal teenager, had to stand there and watch them as bits of them bounced enticingly. He then had a five minute daydream, shook himself, and pulled his staff. Twirling it in a circular motion he cut a hole through space to open the portal back home. He might come back if all the girls looked like those two. So round, so firm, so…so bouncy.

He giggled as he went through the portal. He didn't notice the small Chihuahua as it jumped through the portal just on his heels. It promptly skidded across the smooth floor and slammed into the wall, fell over, and lay there for several seconds. The dog jumped to its feet and sauntered, as manly as possible, to the door after Harry left the room.

It instantly came to a stop and looked up at the half dozen green robed house elves that suddenly blocked its path. "Um, yip?"

"Master was followed home."

"He doesn't like being called Master." Another one stated.

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

The others nodded.

"What do we do with the dog?" Another arrival asked.

"Food and shelter?"

"Toss him out, dogs just make messes."

"Remove all his hair?"

"How about spaying? Those other dogs took to it like they did food."

The elves giggled.

"Ask Scar."

They all nodded. "Scar is head of Household."

"We is free though."

"Only Dobby say that."

"That true, he crazy."

They all nodded again.

The dog, Killer in fake diamonds, used the time to slowly turn around and run down the hall.

"It's running."

"It understand us?"

"I think so."

"He enemy then?"

"Make sense, bad wizard maybe?"

"A little doggy?"

"Make great spy."

"Shouldn't we be following?"

One shook his head and turned around to face behind them. "Hallway is circle, he be coming around bend any second now."

They all turned just as the dog did indeed come around the bend and tumble to halt. "&$#." It whimpered.

An elf thumped it over the head with a Daily Prophet. "Bad Doggy."

'Killer' knew things were going to be bad when their eyes started to twinkle. They all reached into a pouch he hadn't noticed and pulled out little colored balls. That was when he remembered that Harry Potter had another name. Prank Lord Potter and his Elvin Army of Pranksters.

'I'm so $#&ed' He thought.

oooooooooo

"How you doing Hermione?" Harry asked as he walked into the dining room where his friend was reading through a few books. Her hair was a bigger mess than usual and he could have sworn he was wearing the same clothes she was wearing yesterday.

The girl started. "Um, I'm fine." She nodded.

He noticed she was reading one of the dark arts books. "Find anything interesting?"

She looked at him for several seconds without saying anything. "Yes." Before going back to reading her book.

Rolling his eyes, he summoned one of the books next to her. "Dark Witches Guide to Love."

Hermione twitched, but didn't say anything as he opened it and read a few random pages. Blushing, he sat it down and nudged it until it was out of his reach. "Are you sure this is the kind of stuff you want to learn? It seems a little…tacky."

His best friend giggled. "It's very interesting."

Harry shrugged. "Well, so long as you are having fun I suppose it's alright. I had the elves dispose of the 'eat your soul' type books."

She shivered as she read something and started fanning herself with her hand. "Oh my…"

"Well I'll let you get back to reading."

"Talk to the hand, I'm busy." Hermione said and held her palm towards him.

"Right, right."

"The HAND!"

"I don't know where it's been lately so I'm not getting anywhere near it." Harry said as he backed out of the room. Hermione didn't seem to hear him as she started ginning weirdly and wiggling around in her chair. He didn't comment as her hand vanished beneath the table.

Once out of the room Harry called for Dobby. "Dobby?"

Pop!

"Harry Potter, sir!" The green robbed elf appeared. A bit of smoke was issuing from his side pouch and falling to the floor. Harry ignored how it was discoloring the wood floors.

"What exactly is Hermione doing?"

"I is not sure, sir. Hermy has been reading those odd books for a couple of days now."

"It's not something dirty is it?"

"Ohs no, we is cleaning her clothes excellently." Dobby explained with a firm nod.

"She just seems preoccupied."

"The elves is aware that she has been practicing some of the spells." Dobby explained some more. "They don't be doing anything bad."

Harry frowned as he rubbed his chin. "I may have to take a closer look at those books. What I read was earlier was a bit…" He blushed again.

Dobby nodded in complete confusion.

"How are you getting along?"

Dobby bounced around a little. "Dobby has never been so happy!" He screamed and reached out to hug Harry's leg.

Harry winced. "That's good to hear, and the echoes, too. You head on back to what you were doing. Thanks Dobby."

The elf nodded and vanished with a pop. From there Harry headed for the potions lab and dropped off his new ingredients. He'd only spent about two hundred galleons, where it would have cost him over a thousand in Knockturn alley. Not that he minded, it was Voldemort's money after all.

He suddenly thought about those two girls and started having a replay of his earlier day dream.

oooooooooo

Dumbledore and Moody tromped into the Headmaster's office. Neither one of them looked very pleased or even happy as they sat down. They only had one thing on their minds at the moment and that was Harry Potter. Albus was starting to wonder if there was more to the situation than he was aware of. He had always been sure that Harry could take down Voldemort, but that it would have to be a surprise attack on Harry's part.

The Dark Lord had over fifty years of experience and defeated dozens of hit wizards during the course of his rampage. It did appear that Harry was moving in for a sixth and possible final defeat of Voldemort, but Dumbledore couldn't predict the boy anymore. He had no idea where Harry would crop up from day to day.

He was also using spells and curses that hadn't been used in centuries, perhaps even longer. Dumbledore sighed, and Moody nearly jumped out of his chair. "Don't do that!"

"Sorry Alastor, I'm just vext at our efforts to contain Harry."

The old man growled, nearly a snarl, and sat back down. "The boy needs a good spanking. A person can't walk down the street these days without spotting one of those damned elves of his. The dratted things are everywhere."

"It's a quite ingenious use of house elves. I'm surprised they even follow his orders though."

Moody snarled again. Just mention Harry's name around him and he would start to lose his temper. Snape and Moody were actually seeing eye to eye the subject of Harry Potter these days. The potions Master was still finding school girl dresses in his closets every couple of days. Different ones too, from the various schools and even some right of various hentai anime. He had yet to figure out what a Bible Black was or it's significance.

The school house elves kept finding the offerings burned in his fire place. Everyone in the school knew that Harry had planted thousands of joke attacks throughout the building by using his own House elves as well. Dumbledore had asked the school elves to alert him when the other group of elves showed up, but this had only worked once.

After finding the kitchen filled to the rafters with whipped cream and five hundred house elves blitzed out on Butterbeer and singing some rather inappropriate songs led by Winky, Albus had decided that having five hundred drunk and possibly rabid house elves on his hands was not a good idea. He was relived when the next morning they only had hangovers. And white skin that seemed to reflect light whenever light hit them at the right angle.

"His jokes have calmed down a little."

Alastor nodded. "It doesn't matter. They'll pick up again. After dealing with practical jokers for twenty years you should know that by now."

Albus nodded and looked his full one hundred and sixty some years, give or take half a decade. "Indeed, I think he's regrouping for something big."

..Padda padda padda padpadpad padda…

"He's pranking the world Albus, there isn't much you can do after that, he wants revenge for his ruined life."

"There are a few people he hasn't hit just yet."

"AGHAAAAAA!"

Moody snorted and only twitched when the s reamed echoed for only a few seconds. "The only one left is You-Know-Who."

"Someone find a teacher! They're coming out of the Ravenclaw dorm!"

"Tom may be the last item on Harry's revenge list."

..Padda padda padda padpadpad padda…

Alastor snorted again. "He seems to have better targets these days."

"True, would you like some tea?"

"Naw, gives me gas."

"GWRAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Echoes throughout the castle, followed by screaming hordes of students. "Snarl!"

"Are you going to go and see what that is?" Alastor grumbled, his hand inching his wand from his hip holster.

"The teachers can handle it." Albus said as some tea appeared on his desk. "I need to settle my nerves anyway."

They sat there for five minutes as a wave of 'Ravenclaw' lemmings raced by the entrance to the office. They were thankful that none of them tried to get past the gargoyle and clime the stairs. This was followed by about a hundred students wearing various bits of muggle clothing. Albus pretended not to notice the jock straps, spurs, and buttless leather pants. Or the fact that they were all colored red and green.

A very harried Professor McGonagall suddenly raced into the office and started gasping for air. It took her a couple of minutes just to catch her breath. Her robes were different than normal as well. Instead of the usual dark grey robe that didn't stand out at all, the thing had shrank to accentuate her body, namely her shins and shoulders. Actually she looked like an ugly malformed radish. Even her hat was a pointy green with leaves sticking out of it.

"Albus, it's complete chaos out there!"

"Hm…" He acknowledged, calmly drinking his tea.

"We need help."

"I'm sure you can handle it."

They didn't pay any attention to Madam Hooch as she raced by the window with about a dozen buzzards chasing her around the school grounds. McGonagall could only watch in horror as the poor woman was forced to ditch her broom in the lake to get away from the things. She twitched as Albus suddenly started sipping, loudly, at his tea.

"You aren't going to do anything?!" She screeched?

"Just a little set back."

Moody nodded, his fake eye spinning around violently.

Suddenly a harried looking prefect wearing a rather bright golf clothes came into the office. "Professor McGonagall! The Gryffindor Lemmings have declared war on the Slytherin parakeets! Their ripping each other to shreds down in the dungeon. The Ravenclaw Lemmings are threatening to throw themselves off the Astronomy tower!"

"And the Hufflepuffs?" She asked calmly.

"They've all be turned into badgers and have dug themselves burrows out in the quiddich stands."

The old matron turned on the Headmaster. "Albus do something about this."

He held up a tray? "Lemon Drop?"

Huffing, she turned on her heal and stalked out of the room. Her robe suddenly morphed again and turned bright red. She resisted the urge to scream. "Albus, you will apologize to the boy or we will have words." She hissed.

"Why whatever are you talking about?" He asked.

Growling, McGonagall grabbed the golf clad Prefect and dragged him out of the room. She didn't break stride as the whole school started to vibrate and every stone in the school suddenly turned into a Lego building block. She couldn't help wondering why she had agreed with Albus' plan to send Potter to Azkaban. She must have been drunk that day if she hadn't seen this coming.

Suddenly she came to a stop as she found her Gryffindors running around not as Lemmings, but in lizard costumes and yelling at each other like five year olds. Two hours later she emerged from the dungeons covered in food, her hair unceremoniously unraveled, and completely exhausted. The students were back in their appropriate houses, the transformations reversed, and everything was normal in the world.

She ignored the giant penguins ice skating on the school lake. The house elves glued to the ceiling. And the castles rats performing the Macarena in the great hall while wearing appropriate costumes. Not to mention Prank Lord Potter's laughing symbol hovering in the sky within the illusion that covered the ceiling of the great hall. Pink clouds and all.

Instead she headed for her rooms and sat down at her desk and chugged half a bottle of fire whisky. It would take half the night to get things back to normal and even then they wouldn't be able to fix everything. Even now she was only beginning to understand the kind of revenge Potter had in mind.

The suffering had only started. He was the son of a Marauder, the godson of a marauder, and the adopted cub of a third Marauder. Potter was going to make their lives a living hell. Where was that insane laughter coming from? It must be her imagination.

She was found six hours later passed out on her bad and two empty bottles of firewhisky on the stand.

Her morning classes had to be canceled. It would be at least another twelve hours before anyone noticed that all the water taps in the castle appeared to be shaped like pissing house elves smirking. The Prefect's baths were never quite the same after that.

The Horror… The Horror…

oooooooooo

Harry and over a dozen elves appeared with a single soft pop over a block from the target. Normally he didn't mind announcing his presence, but this time the target had to be handled differently. He surveyed the area and was glad that there weren't any other houses around.

It was just a short walk up to a walled off house and a gate. The home of the one being in existence that made Harry's blood boil in rage just by thinking her name. Over the last couple of hours the elves had detailed a plan to him that would bring about maximum terror for the old bat.

Dolores Umbridge Ex-High Inquisitor of Hogwarts was about to find out why you don't get on Harry's bad side. Reaching into his robe, Harry pulled out a miniaturized crate and tossed it out. It returned to full size in mid air and landed on the ground with a heavy thump. A dog in a nearby property started to bark at the sound.

A couple of the elves quickly took care of the problem. Tying the dog up with it's own tongue and swatting it over the head with a rolled up Daily Profit. With a flick of his wand the lid flipped off the crate and about a hundred small green metallic balls rose out of the crate and hovered in the air. These were his new and improved Stalker units. They had worked perfectly when he used them to capture death eaters, but these new ones were more versatile.

His glasses gleamed as he stared at the house. The elves started giggling quietly as the Stalkers rose into the sky and streaked towards the house to scout around. One by one they started to turn invisible, only making a low level humming metallic sound as they moved through the air.

He'd added the sound effect in for a psychological effect. Professor UmBitch didn't react well to anything strange even in the best of times so he wanted to be prepared. An elf adjusted his pack of hair curlers and glue guns. The Bitch may have predicted that he might show up at some point, but she was arrogant and thought she was better than him due to her birth.

It was hard to predict how she might react so he wanted to be prepared. Of course she might think he would ignore what she did to him. As if he could forget that she tried to kill him and Dudley the giant Rotund Trout. Harry figured he would have to sneak into St. Mungos and reset that particular spell again. Getting back to the task at hand he had made sure that the elves had his special cameras and spells ready for this mission.

The instant the Stalker Units hit the wards several of them exploded as they were designed to. Within a couple of minutes and twenty explosion the house wards fell like shattering glass. This of course alerted everyone in the house that something was happening, just as he wanted. Giggling, he started stalking towards the house as his elves started tossing things at the walls.

As he drew closer to the gate he noticed that they were covered in strange unknown spells. He figured they were spells developed by people in the Department of Mysteries, so he ignored them. Instead a large section of the wall crumbled and fell over under the elves prank onslaught. Puffs of white stuff filled the air seconds later and bounced around on the ground for several feet.

Kneeling down he picked one up. He was amazed at some of the items the Weasley Twins could come up with when they started experimenting. In his hand was a brick sized marshmallow. As he entered the property kicking marshmallows around, the elves streamed through and raced towards the house. A pack of dogs started running at them from the other end of the property.

Harry shook his head and gave the elves a nod. Two of them raised their hands up and snapped their fingers. The dogs stopped in mid run, hovering in the air, and started to expand. He could only smirk as they soon resembled parade balloons, twenty feet high, and still smelling like unwashed dogs. "That works, let them go."

The balloons shivered for a second before they started floating into the sky. It would be a couple of weeks before Harry heard about the dogs again. It took the muggles over three days contain the balloons. Several got stuck in trees, a couple snagged on buildings, and at least one landed in a nearby lake. The elves just giggled as they finally reached the house.

Harry couldn't react as he felt an anti-apparation ward snap into existence. He took a second to analyze it and sighed in disappointment. There were days he just couldn't understand how morons were able to achieve the amount of status they possessed. He figured he could apparate right through the flimsy things without even trying.

"Truly pathetic attempt." He muttered. "Alright, let's see what else the hag has set up."

Little round glowing balls of magic arched from the elves hands to the outer walls of the house and popped as they hit. The walls shivered for several seconds as the magic permeated the structure. Harry was a bit surprised that they held at all. He shrugged and waved his wand. Stalker Units appeared around the house and started blowing out the windows and doors with preset Blasting curses. He stood there grinning, as did the elves, as explosion after explosion rocked the house on its foundations.

Finally the front wall of the house collapsed inwards with a loud thump. "Come on out Bitch, I've got a little present for you." Harry sang as he skipped towards the house.

Then, and he was truly surprised, five Dementors floated out of the building. They started racing/flying right towards him without a second of hesitation. He went from playful to instantly pissed in one point three six seconds. Waving at the elves, who didn't know what to do, Harry told them to get on with the job. It only took a second to transform his wand into a staff and level it at the horrible things.

Suddenly several ideas popped into his mind. Giggling loudly, he whispered a ten word incantation and fired a silver beam of magic at the Dementors. They stopped as the beam hit them head on and started pushing against the magic. With a loud screech the first Dementor arched back and suddenly turned into a black furred rabbit. It fell to the ground in shock and wiggled its nose.

The others all started to glow a bright silver and arched back. One by one they also transformed. A donkey joined the rabbit, then a fish, then a cow, and the last one became a mouse. All of them were pure black with red beady eyes. With a wave of his hand the animals were banished from the property. Laying his staff across his shoulder, Harry stalked into the house and looked around.

He was a bit surprised to find two rather toad like children stuck to the wall of the house. His elves had obviously come through here. At first he didn't think about them, but as he was about to leave his brain put the clues together and he paled in shock. Slowly turned towards the children, pointed at them, and screamed.

They looked up at him in shock and fear as he moved by. Their presence only meant one thing to though. Someone had, he shuddered, sex with Toad Woman. Turning an interesting shade of green he ran over to a nearby expensive vase and threw up into it. After dry heaving for several seconds he staggered to his feet and did a full body shudder.

"EEEEEWWWEEE! GET THE IMAGE OUT OF MY BRAIN!" He screamed. "GOD, PLEASE OVLIVATE ME, I BEG OF THEE!" Then spent the next several minutes banging his head against the wall.

The kids watched in shock as the crazy man staggered of the room and headed down the hall. They heard him throw up several more times before the sounds stopped.

"MY EYES, THEY BLEED!"

Shuddering in disgust Harry vowed to find the 'father' of those children and make sure he could never make anymore. Toad Woman must NEVER be allowed to reproduce under any circumstances. He heard some noises coming from the second floor and quickly made his way up some nearby, conveniently placed, stairs.

While the first floor of the house was generally just a mess, the second floor was a disaster area. He glanced around noting the holes in the walls, the collapsed doors, and shattered furniture. He heard some muffled screaming and yelling at the far end of the house. About halfway there he came across the body of a house elf. It wasn't his, thankfully, but it appeared to have had a very bad life if it's scar covered back was in indication.

He tapped end of his staff against it stomach and cast several quick healing spells. Nothing complicated, just some quick and dirty spells that removed a few of the scars and closed wounds. He followed this up with a quick Ennervate.

The elf shuddered and blinked a few times before it stat up. Its eyes tripped in size as it looked up at the green cloaked man stand above him. He nearly fainted at the flaming green eyes staring into his own. The staff came up and pushed the elf back to the floor and held him there. The elf whimpered and expected another beating.

"M-mas-master…"

"I give you an option little one, join my army and you will have the freedom to live as you like and still have a bit of fun. Or stay here and work with Toad Woman. You don't need to make a decision just yet, but you and any other elf are free to join my army at any time. Just talk to Head Elf Dobby or Head Elf Scar."

The elf stared in shock.

"Now you get some rest and think about my offer." Harry moved past the elf and headed back down the hall were he started to hear lots of giggling going on. One of the doors was still in tact enough to be standing, though a portion of the top was missing. Using his staff he pushed the door open and had to smirk as he stepped into the room.

It had to be Toad Woman's bedroom. A bed and several other pieces of furniture were stuck to the ceiling. He could see ropy lines of slime descending to the floor and forming large puddles. Four of his elves had The Bitch trussed up like a naked horse and were riding her around the room. From the looks of things she wasn't in the best of shape.

Luckily there were a couple of 'censored' signs to hid the naughty bits. The woman was running around on all fours screeching like a banshee trying to throw them off. Her eyes were wild and Harry was fairly sure she was foaming at the mouth. Yep, she was pissed off beyond all reason. Ignoring Toad Woman, he looked around and saw that several other elves were poking holes in the walls and transfiguring clothing into riding crops and whips.

"Umbridge, I didn't know you had it in you." Harry said merrily. He had to resist the urge to puke again, he didn't think he had anything left spew out.

The evil bitch tried to surge to her feet in rage, her clawed fingernails heading right for his neck. She didn't make it to far though. Every elf in the room dog piled her like a group of wrestlers and threw her to floor. Her wail of rage was completely inhuman. Harry slowly made his way across the room and made sure not to touch any of the slime dripping from the ceiling.

He ignored the fact that Toad Woman had her head pressed into one of the puddles. His elves started giggling. Tilting his head to the side he grinned insanely. His fire green eyes seemed to widen as he brought his staff around and touched it to her forehead. She struggled against the elves but they were much stronger than she was.

The head of his staff flared and he shouted out a one word incantation. Her whole body started to glow as she stared at him shock. Raising his staff high he sent off a firework that blew through the roof of the house and his symbol flared appeared for all to see.

The Giant Laughing letter 'P'.

One by one the elves popped away until only Harry was left to watch the slow transformation that Toad Woman was going through. Giggling he popped away with a deafening explosion of noise and reappeared inside the outer wall to the property. He raised his staff and admired his symbol above the house for a few seconds, then lowered his staff so that it pointed at the house.

A hundred elves appeared around him and knelt in the grass with a large cage. They threw open the cages and over a thousand squirrels raced out and headed right for the house. They grew to the size of large house cats by the time they started swarming through the house. With a wave of the his staff he turned the lawn into a giant projection of Umbridge being ridden like a horse by his elves and set it on a repeating loop.

He vanished just as Aurors started to arrive. As usuall they showed up about twenty minutes after everything started. Harry just shook his head as one of them saw him just before he left. His elves gave each auror the finger and vanished as well. They all turned to look at the house and shivered in fear. Some of them would rather clean up after Voldemort than deal with a Prank Lord Potter attack.

Harry's attacks always left little pranks behind to trip up the Aurors.

He reappeared at the house and smiled as he saw that the second part of his attack had gone quite well. Sitting in the living room were fifteen large filing cabinets full of Ministry secrets.

oooooooooo

"Albus?"

Dumbledore was slightly drunk. He glanced up from his desk and grunted. "What is it Aberforth?'

"Could you send a half dozen or so students down to the Hogs Head?"

"Sure, but why?"

"Well it seems that sometime during the night someone broke in and filled the place, floor to ceiling, with plushies." He tossed one through the fire.

Dumbledore caught and found him self looking at a tiny little stuffed doll of Alastor Moody. The doll sneered at him. "CONSTANT VILLAGENCE!"

Fawks screeched in shock from his perch.

"Yeah, they do that too." Aberforth admitted.

"Just how many are we talking about here?"

"Oh, close to a fifty thousand or so. The bar is so full that the only thing holding them in was the doors and windows. If those go they'll be all over the place."

Albus sighed. "Harry."

Aberforth just shrugged. "Probably."

"I'll send some elves."

"Send some crates, I think I can sell these things." Aberforth said suddenly.

"What makes you say that?"

"I just made ten sickles selling a Dark Lord Plushy." He said excitedly.

Albus started to bang his head against his desk.

"CONSTANT VILLAGENCE!" Plushy Mad Eye screamed and waved his wand up and down.

oooooooooo

To be Continued…

Notes: This is unedited, but I've got most of the words spelled right. Yeah, that's it. Spell checker, it fixes words but has no concept of grammar. You'll also noticed that it's been sometime since I updated this. I've been rather unmotivated lately as I struggle to write more for Princess of the Moon. I'm at 30kb of so far, but it's coming along. I hope to get it up to 70-100kb before I post it just to give people some substance since I haven't updated the story in over a year.

Feh

That scene with Harry finding the kids glued to the wall had me rolling on the floor laughing so hard I could barely write. Just thinking about it has me rolling again. Heheh.


	12. Boys, We Got Ourselves a Squirrel

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRRELS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST INTO PINK COTTON CANDY. THE SQUIRRLES ARE REBELLING…RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES…

AGHAAAAAAAAA! IT'S SQUIRREL GIRL AND THE SQUIRREL SWARM OF DOOM!

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.

oooooooooo Coven of the Rose Chapter 11 – Boys, We Got Ourselves.  
By CRose © 2006 oooooooooo

Sneering, Severus Snape stalked through the dark passageways that made up Nott Castle. After the destruction of Riddle Manor, the Dark Lord had moved his operations here. It wasn't quite as secure as the old place, but he was willing to deal with it. At the moment he didn't know what to think. No matter who he dealt with these days, it always led back to the Potter Brat in some form or another.

In a way he wanted to applaud the boy's current course of action. Yet, at the same time he wanted the boy to experience a very slow death in the most agonizing methods available. It was hard to decide which idea appealed more. Shrugging mentally, he paused in front of a door and calmly knocked. This would be the first time talking to the Dark Lord in over two months.

He had several with talks Lucius lately that suggested that something bad, beyond the latest captures and escapes, had happened. Lucius was unwilling to say what it was exactly. Instead, the man developed a facial twitch that was hard to ignore because it only happened when the Dark Lord was mentioned by name.

The man's eyes would go wide, he would freeze for just a split second, then his lips would pucker up and his whole head would violently twist to the side. This was followed by a scream as he fell to the ground and curled into a fetal ball and started sucking his thumb. Severus found it mildly amusing to watch whenever it happened.

Severus was sure Potter had something to do with it, but had no proof, not that he was looking very hard. The blonde murderer deserved whatever he got and the Dark Lord wasn't helping. He schooled his features as the door opened slowly and entered large dinning hall. The walls were cloaked in shadows and several death eaters were arrayed around the room. Snape could tell that they were placing several layers of new wards as well. Ones similar to what were at Riddle Manor, he guessed.

He did not bother to look at the Dark Lord as he swept down and kissed the man's robe. "Master."

"Ah, Severus, I was wondering when you would show up." Voldemort said, his voice barely audible.

"How may I serve?"

"What have you found on...the boy?"

"He's been pulling off the impossible lately. I have to admit I'm a bit amazed by his actions."

Voldemort twitched and snarled. "And?"

"Well he seems to walk through wards as if they don't exist, pulling off forbidden or lost magic as if it was some simple first year spells, and his Elves aren't acting like elves should."

"I've been considering this as well." The Dark Lord hissed. "I should be punishing all of my faithful for what's been happening lately. Yet, look around you Severus..."

Snape finally lifted his head and did as instructed. He froze in shock as the first thing that caught his eye was Draco Malfoy, naked, humping a white bear skin rug near the fire. Quite vigorously. The boy was oblivious to everything around him as well. A few feet from him were several other students. All of them were in rather poor shape. Pansy was itching her legs like mad, spittle flying out of her mouth as she worked diligently.

There was a pile of dog shit near Snape's knee. He scooted away from it while he was 'distracted' by the boys.

Theodore Nott seemed to be cringing as he lay face first on the floor with his ass in the air and farting, constantly. Draco's two followers appeared to be covered in snot as it came out of their pores and dripped on the floor. Then there were others he didn't recognize. The faces tended to blend together after a while.

"You see Severus, the Boy is humiliating us. We managed to rescue over a dozen from the Ministry just today and they are all in similar states. Bellatrix has been transformed into a Collie and doesn't appear to remember that she was once human. All she does is shit and piss all over the place. I have nearly killed her on three separate occasions already.

"I do not know what to say Master."

"CRUCIO!"

He grit his teeth, but stopped when he realized it wasn't aimed at him. The high pitched yelping gave away the victim though. Bella the Collie writhed on the ground. He noticed that she had just urinated on the Dark Lord's boot. Then he had to physically restrain him self from looking away as Draco made the most disgusting noise he had ever heard in his entire life, followed by a giggle and panting.

An insane light came into Voldemort's eyes as he stared down at Snape. "I want you to find a way to end these attacks Severus. Skin the boy alive, remove his bones, shove Draco up his ass, I don't care how, but you will find a way or else."

Snape gulped. "Y-Yes my Master, as you command."

oooooooooo

The odd noise, while not that unusual, wasn't something she normally heard at midnight. Getting up, she pulled a housecoat on to cover her night clothes and stepped out of her bedroom. She could hear her father snoring away down the hallway, oblivious to the noise. As far as she was aware no one could get into the house without her father's permission.

She moved quietly down the hall until she reached the door that led to the kitchen. Her head snapped to the side as a shadow moved, but she couldn't see anything. Pulling her wand, she pushed the door open and stepped into the kitchen.

"Wha?" She muttered.

Five house elves were preparing a rather early breakfast. It was a little hard to miss them in their spiffy green robes though. They appeared to be putting on some kind of show as they worked, hopping all over the room, bounding off walls, and giggling quietly. Sitting at her table, Harry Potter flipped through the quibbler while gnawing on some toast.

"Hello Luna." He said without looking up. "Would you like some breakfast?"

"I should offer you breakfast Harry, this is my house after all." She said.

"Quibbler seems to be coming up with some interesting stories lately. Love the Panty wallpaper story for Fudge."

"It was true."

Harry grinned. "I know, I tacked a few of them up myself." He held up a small plate. "Muffin?"

Luna giggled. "Father says Fudge is going crazy these days. Blaming you for nearly everything that goes wrong. And no thanks."

His smile got a little wider. "I have been quite busy."

"Why are you here though?"

"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to join me?" Harry scratched his chin. "And not in a perverted way either."

"What do you mean?" She asked as airily as normal.

"I have very few friends Luna, and while we didn't know each other that well, I always thought we got along better than some of my other friends."

"I still don't understand if you don't want me to have sex with you." Her wide innocent eyes blinked owlishly.

"I want you to join my side. Together we can prank the world." Harry explained, and sipped some tea.

Luna was silent for several minutes before she said anything. Harry didn't mind, he was to busy watching the elves around him as they worked. He also thought she might have fallen asleep with her eyes open. That would be cool. He reached into his robe, pulled out a marker, and was about to draw some cat whiskers on her face.

"Fred and George have built a shrine to you and sacrifice a rubber sorting hat to it every night before they close the shop for the day." Luna said, much to his disappointment, and shock.

Harry started coughing and dropped the marker. "Wha...?"

"It makes a mighty squeak too. It draws in tons of business for them in the late afternoon." She giggled and handed his marker back to him after drawing a smiley face on the back of her hand.

Gaining control of himself, Harry allowed an elf to clean up the spilled tea, and get him another glass. "You don't say?"

Luna giggled again.

"That's exactly why I want you to join my side. It's pretty hard to trick me like that."

"But what would daddy say if I started wandering around in a green robe pranking people?"

"He'd probably print your exploits in the Quibbler." Harry mused. "Or want to help you."

Luna looked serious and nodded. "True."

"Joining me will require courage though, lots of it. I'm hitting death eaters and everyone that's ever wronged me in anyway."

"Daddy still hasn't stopped laughing about the House Elf army of yours. Says it's the most unique way to use elves he's ever seen."

This just made Harry shrug. "Actually I freed all of them from oppression and a rather bad work environment at the Daily Prophet."

Luna nodded. "KLaspgwallies are said to infest areas like that."

"Indeed." Harry agreed.

"Is it true you kidnapped Hermione Granger to be your sex slave?"

He cocked his head to the side. "Well, not at the moment. But who knows what the future will bring. She's been dabbling in things best left unread."

Luna nodded. "As your minion, do I have to swear any kind of oath? Or have sex with you?"

"Nope, all I expect of you is friendship and the occasional dirty thought. To spice things up."

"Daddy might not like my mind spending time in the gutter."

"Acting innocent has always worked for me."

She giggled. "Okay."

Harry handed her a Green Robe. "Welcome to the team. Just touch my symbol on the collar and say my name. It works a portkey right to my hideout."

"Thank you Harry."

"Your welcome, and if you stop by Bob's Burger Grill on Tuesdays after eight and wear the robe he'll give you two burgers for the price of one. Only the best for my team after all."

"BBG? The one down in Knockturn Alley?"

"He moved. Something about a monster eating out of his trashcan." Harry smirked. "He's right next door to the Ministry of Magic now. A lot of businesses have moved over there for some reason."

"Oh." She looked a little confused.

" As my newest minion, I need ideas." Harry ordered.

The blonde stood up and put her green robe on and pulled the hood up. She had to be in proper frame of mind to plan things after all. "You have pulled off quite a few different random attacks lately. It's time you did something no one expects."

"Turning Mad Eye Moody into a ferret?"

Luna shook her head. "I was thinking its time for you to visit your godfather."

Harry frowned. Wasn't Luna supposed to be insane? "He did a triple axel into the veil a few months ago. He got a six for good form."

She blinked and shook her head. "The other one, the werewolf."

Harry sat back and thought about Remus. "It has been a while since I saw him actually. He's been isolating himself to his house lately."

"Let me get some better clothes on and we can and meet him."

"Any idea when the full moon is? I haven't seen one in some time." Harry asked as he stood up and pulled his wand. The elves around him came to attention instantly, waiting for his orders.

"It was a couple of weeks ago, I think." Luna said as she transfigured her nightclothes into something better for going out, though she kept the green robe on for the proper appearance. Of course, Harry wasn't expecting her to change them into a tight top that showed off her stomach and a little mini skirt that barely hid anything.

Its colors seemed to slowly cycle through several different shades of red and white. She nodded as she examined it. He had to admit that his open front green robe looked good with her wearing that outfit. He leered at her for several seconds as she went through some poses for him.

"Like what you see?"

"You have nice forearms." He said, looking at her stomach. "You must do lots of lifting."

She blinked and grinned.

Harry picked up a nearby spoon and turned it into a portkey. "The old fart may be expecting me to visit Remus."

Luna shrugged. "Maybe, but that shouldn't matter too much. It is pretty late you know."

"True. I've suddenly got an excellent idea." Harry said and reached into his robe to pull out a large sphere. He handed it to two of the elves. "Place that somewhere unexpected on Azkaban Island."

"Yes Master Harry!" Two of the squeaked and vanished with the sphere.

"What was that?" Asked Luna.

"Something I've been holding in reserve."

The navel hook grabbed them and they vanished from the room. Seconds later the remaining elves followed after Harry with a series of soft pops. It was only a few minutes later when Mudingus Fletcher appeared in front of the Quibbler building. He staggered around for a few minutes drinking from a large bottle of beer. Fletcher fell over on the lawn and belched loudly before falling over and falling asleep. A small mouse jumped out of his pocket and made a run for it.

A house elf head popped up out of a nearby bush. Green robe swishing, he stalked over to the passed out drunk. He kicked the man's foot and jumped back as Fletcher sat up groggily, took another drink of beer, and fell over again. Surprisingly enough, he didn't spill a drop of beer. The elf grinned as it reached into it's pouch and pulled out a small book.

Pranking Guide v3.

"Bad man's is on list." The little elf giggled as he put the book away and started rubbing his hands. Lifting a hand, a snap of the fingers, and Fletcher started to glow. The elf watched the man slowly transform, shrinking into on himself until it was done.

"Squawk!" The Penguin awoke and started running around the yard flapping its useless wings. "SquawkSquawkSquawk!"

Mr. Lovegood opened a window and bounced a boot off the Penguin's head. It collapsed instantly. The window closed with a bang.

oooooooooo

Healer Amanda Rogers was feeling a little faint as she read the file on her newest patient. A couple of Aurors brought the poor woman in earlier that morning. According to the previous shift, the woman was screaming at the top of her lungs about making Harry Potter pay for attacking her. Rogers sighed and took a second to tuck a bit of her red hair behind her ear as she thought about the situation. Over the last several months more than one individual that ended up here at St. Mungos swore the same thing.

This time though, they were not sure what Potter did the woman or why. Rogers wasn't sure just who Dolores Umbridge was either. She had heard the name somewhere, but couldn't quite place it. According to the case file the woman's whole body chemistry was messed up in some strange way that no one could identify.

Normally they were able to identify some of what was wrong with a patient, but whatever Potter did to the poor woman was undocumented anywhere. She sighed again and looked at the ceiling. Potter was sending the entire research staff into near orgasmic bliss with his strange attacks. Pulling obscure and outdated spell from out of nowhere. Spells that that went out of style or were lost centuries ago. In a society that could trace such stuff back over two thousand years, this was quite and accomplishment.

The Doctors were sure that he had found a secret cache of lost knowledge. Half the researchers wanted to hunt him down and mine him for everything he knew. The other half would have his baby for the information. Rogers shook her head as she got up and paced around her office a couple of times. Umbridge's case was unique though. It was going to stand out as one of the more interesting things Potter's pulled off.

A young intern stepped into the office. "Ma'am, Umbridge is making a commotion again."

"Stun her." Rogers snapped. The blasted woman hadn't stopped screaming since she arrived. Half the patients on the same floor wanted to beat the woman senseless. The Aurors were actually being forced to keep attackers away from her.

"It didn't work this time and we tried three times. The guard said to contact you about what to do next."

Rogers took a second to digest the information. This was another clue to what Potter did to the woman. Given enough time she was sure they would identify it and cure her. "Let's see if we can talk to her now."

"She tried to rip the throat out of the Auror that's guarding her." The intern said and smirked. "Umbridge grew some weird looking claws."

"Oh?"

This was new.

"We also may not be able to do anything tonight."

"Why?"

"It's a full moon."

Rogers sighed again. "Blasted werewolves are causing problems again?"

"Not really, Potter did something to them and they've been lying low of late. A few did turn up and ask for the potion though, so we have them locked up for the night downstairs."

"Were…" Rogers blinked. She blinked again. "Uh oh…"

"Ma'am?"

Not bothering to answer, Rogers grabbed her hat and raced out of the office, her robe trailing behind her a bit. The intern chased after her a few seconds later. They quickly made their way towards Umbridge's room. The Auror drew his wand the instant they came into sight. "Dr. Rogers?"

"Are there any other patients in that room?" She gasped out.

"No, we didn't think it would be safe. They might have tried to kill her by now. Why?"

"How exactly did you find her."

The Auror looked at her for a second, blushed as he remembered something, and coughed. "Um, well, how do I put this…"

"Just spit it out already!"

"There were about a hundred squirrels licking every inch of her body, nibbling on her toes, ah, defecating on her…"

"Anything weird about the squirrels?"

"They were about twice as big as normal ones and we had to fire heavy stunners at them to get them off Umbridge."

Rogers nodded, as if confirming something. She walked over to an observation window and looked in at the rather ugly woman. At that exact moment, the woman was lying in bed, on her stomach, scratching her tailbone furiously. She turned to the intern. "You sure tonight is the full moon?"

"Yes ma'am."

"I know what's wrong with her."

"You do?"

She turned back to the window to watch Umbridge and said ominously. "Gentlemen, I present to you the worlds first..."

Thunder rumbled in the background.

"Were-Squirrel!"

oooooooooo

Harry and Luna appeared with a little pop. They staggered around for a second before falling onto of each other. Giggling, Luna jumped to her feet and looked around. She adjusted her robe and noticed that they were on the edge of a swampy area.

Dusting himself off, Harry nodded as the elves started to appear around him. "Where the hell are we?"

"I'm not sure."

Harry looked up into the sky, right at the full moon, and pursed his lips. "There's a full moon out."

"I'll have to pay more attention to the weather from now on." Luna amended. "Shall we go?"

"This is probably the worst time to come over for a visit." Harry said.

"He'll be fine, he's only a dog."

Harry rolled his eyes and shrugged. His elves began to show up all around him and they immediately started to look a little nervous. It only took Harry a few seconds to notice a slightly unused path leading deeper into the swamp. He swirled his robe as turned and started down the path. Luna copied him with a giggle and followed.

"You should have said 'Walk this way' and did that."

"You're right, I'll remember for next time." Harry said with a nod.

They continued for several minutes. He wasn't to sure what was going to happen, but he already had couple of ideas forming in his head. This was the perfect night to come and see his old professor. His eyes gleamed as he used his staff as a walking stick. It only took about fifteen minutes for him to hear the distinctive growl of a werewolf.

The group stopped and turned to peer into the semi darkness around them. There, hidden in the trees they could see pair of glowing eyes. It growled again and stalked forward, sniffing the air. Harry grinned. "Good Boy! Whose a good boy! Belly wanna rub?"

The werewolf cocked its head to the side, confused. 'Why weren't they running? They always ran.'

"I have a Woffy biscuit here somewhere." Luna offered, patting down her robe absently. Harry wondered where she would keep it in that skimpy outfit. Then he knelt down next to the were-wolf.

Suddenly the wolf felt a hand scratching its ears. It froze in shock, then melted into the wonderful feeling and flopped over. It yipped happily as its belly was rubbed, and started to wag its tail. Remus, stuck inside the werewolf's mind was in shock at the reaction. He had been expecting Harry to show up eventually, but not on a full moon night. There was only one thing he could think at the moment. 'Having his belly rubbed really did feel goooooood.'

"I knew you just needed a pal." Harry said.

"What now?" Luna asked. Several of the elves nodded, though they didn't say anything.

Harry snorted and suddenly the werewolf was a purple werewolf with black bows in its fur and tail. It didn't care so long as the stomach rub continued. It writhed in ecstasy and tail wagging continued. Harry patted the werewolf on the side as he stood up. "I've got a few ideas in mind."

Being ignored didn't suit the werewolf any and Remus couldn't seem to take control like normally could. Growling, the werewolf turned on Harry just as the boy brought his staff up. A powerful beam of magic fired out and hit the werewolf, completely enveloping it in magical energy. It struggled for several seconds before everything went black.

Harry stood there starting at the werewolf for several seconds before kneeling down and poking it with his wand. A leg twitched. "Interesting."

Luna cocked her head. "I don't see any widsplits gnawing on his fur."

He snorted. "He has a very interesting aura. It's unlike anything I've encountered yet."

"So?"

"I see a pattern."

Luna nodded vacantly. "I see."

Grinning, Harry tucked his wand away and waved at the werewolf. It rose off the ground and a magical cage formed around. "I have an idea." He turned to the elves and nodded. They raced into the swamp and bright burst of magic started to go off.

"What are they doing?" Luna asked.

"Redecorating the old fashioned way." Harry quipped and smirked as nearby trees started to melt into something else. "I think its time to start the final plan."

"Didn't you mention something about Hermione earlier?"

Harry nodded. "I suppose I'll have to take care of that too."

oooooooooo

Minister Fudge gaped at the man standing in front of his desk. "A were-squirrel?"

"Yes sir." The anonymous Auror said.

"With fur, bushy tail, and..." Fudge asked in shock.

"Yep. She even has buck teeth now." A rather vindictive grin followed.

Fudge shuddered. "Is there anything we can do to help her? Toss her on the next ship to America maybe?"

"She needs to stay in St. Mungo's for observation for a few months. She the first of her kind and they want to keep it that way."

This was just to much. "How dangerous is she?"

"We don't know."

"What? Werewolves attack everything in sight. How is this different?"

"Well as you know, last night was her first full transformation."

Fudge nodded. "So what happened?"

"Well, the Doctor doesn't think she's dangerous. You see, she was a complete bitch when she was brought in, screaming, yelling, making threats, and all the normal stuff she pulls on people. The Doctors were not very sympathetic to her plight though. Not after she called them, ah, let's say its name that can't be repeated and leave it at that."

"Get on with the explanation." Fudge growled.

"Anyway, after scratching at her back side for over an hour she transformed into a humanoid squirrel woman, complete with fur and a tail."

"How many did we lose?" Fudge snapped.

The Auror scratched the back of his head. "Well, transforming seemed to calm her right down."

"What?"

"She looked at her new body, felt herself up a few times, a grope here and there, and then ran around the room on all fours."

"Then what? Quit dragging this out."

"She crawled under the bed, ate her pillow by nibbling on it, and curled into a ball to sleep the rest of the night away."

Fudge didn't quite know what to make of that. "That's it?"

"Yes sir, except..."

"I knew it, she's a danger!" Fudge yelled.

"When she woke up this morning she started shouting at the Doctors again and it took them fifteen stunners to get her to shut up again."

This just made Fudge slump in his chair and snarled. "We have to stop Potter."

DingDingDing! "It's the secret Word for the Day! He said Potter!" A high pitched voice screamed in Fudge's ear.

The overweight man jerked around in shock. Confetti fell from the ceiling, and a burst of light appeared just above his desk and a green robed elf stood there, posing. It giggled, and threw a whipped cream pie in Fudges face.

SPLUT!

The elf vanished as fast as it appeared, its giggle echoed after it was gone. The Auror could only stare in shock at the speed of the attack. He marveled at how purple the man went as the pissed off Minister of Magic had a piece of whipped cream drip off his nose and land on some paperwork.

"Find Potter, NOW!." Fudge screamed so loud that his door rattled on its hinges.

He ran for it before he started laughing his butt off. It would be about two hours before he heard about what happened after that. A Potter attack was never that simple, not when it came to the Minister of Magic. Fudge's screams eventually attracted the attention of his secretary.

There are some things that should not be witnessed. Once again the giant laughing letter 'P' hovered above the Ministry. Five minutes later the entire accounting department transformed into rabbits and stampeded through the building.

oooooooooo

It could be called a very peaceful morning. Birds chirped, animals played, and Dumbledore was feeling better after a good nights sleep. He more like himself than he had in days. The castle wasn't suffering from any of the almost constant Potter attacks.

"Help?" A voice called.

There wasn't a giant laughing letter 'P' in the sky. Even the students looked like they were relaxing a little more. His smile widened a little as he completely failed to hear the voice calling for help. Students moved out of his way as he walked down the hall. They eyed him nervously, but didn't say anything.

"Um, a little help here? Sir?" Came from above him.

Nope, he didn't hear a thing. All WAS right in the world. He turned the corner and vanished from sight. The sound of running feet filled the corridor for several seconds. Hagrid, who was glued to the ceiling of the hallway and wearing a rather large, pink and white, bunny suit, sighed and hoped someone would help him down soon. He also really wanted a carrot for some reason and the things tended to give him rather bad gas.

A nearby green robed elf kicked the wall in frustration and vanished with a little 'pop'. Those students that had noticed the rather large grounds keeper on the ceiling were to busy laughing to take note of the little creature.

Hagrid sighed and felt a little relief. At least the pranks tended to change every time one of them was hit. Filch was still in the Hospital Wing from last week's prank. Waking up tied to the rack has to have been a surprise. Being naked was secondary, covered in whip cream, and every cat in the castle sitting on the floor looking up at him had to be a surprise.

Someone put catnip in the whip cream. It took hours to roundup all the cats. Who licked the whip cream off him. Filch was mortified and some of the students were thinking of having their pets taken to the vet. Including Mrs. McGonagall who took forever to catch. A stoned cat with human intelligence was a bad thing. Of course they weren't allowed to talk about the incident, ever.

Maybe it would be better if he stayed stuck to the ceiling after all, he mused. Knowing just what the teacher licked clean made him a number one on her revenge list. Poor Harry was really going to get it one of these days if he kept this kind of thing up.

"Giant Bunny Rabbit!" A first year yelled from below and giggled.

Hagrid sighed, rabbits were so, boring. Couldn't they have dressed him as a dragon, or something interesting?

oooooooooo

The portal opened almost silently as Harry and Luna stepped though, their cloaks ruffling around them in an unseen wind. Each of them had their hoods up so it was hard to tell who was who, except one had a rather fetching figure. However, it was still hard to tell who was who.

Harry glanced around for a few seconds before pulling a small cage from his robe pocket, enlarging it, and setting it on the ground. The cage rattled for several seconds as something inside tried to escape. He glanced at Luna as she wandered around the house. Little bits of blonde hair stuck out from the edges of her hood. He couldn't see her face, but a pair of green glowing eyes stood out in the darkness of the hood, highlighting her features.

"This should work." Harry said. "Good the elves were here before us."

"Why here, isn't it a bit dangerous?"

He shrugged. "I don't care about that. This is revenge after all."

"MmmmMmmmnhmm!"

Luna blinked. "I thought we were here to talk to Hermione?"

Harry, holding a jar of peanut butter and whipped cream, stopped as he was about to pour it on the floor. "Oh yeah, I forgot we were going to stop here first."

He glanced at the ceiling where Mr. and Mrs. Granger were hanging from a large pink web like substance. "Still, maybe I should…"

"Mmmph! Ummphphum!"

"Now Harry, they aren't responsible." Luna said and put her hands on her hips. "We both know that the Ministry and the Larphupples are behind this all."

"I thought it was Dumbledore?" He blinked.

"No, the Ministry and Larphupples."

"They could be a part of it." He said stubbornly.

She glared, which looked weird with the hood enchantments.

"No Peanut Butter?"

"No, not unless you want to eat it with chicken."

Harry nodded slowly. "I guess you have a point, but can't I..."

"No. We don't have any sweat and sour sauce."

"They're muggles, they might have some here."

Glare.

"Fine, fine, but we still have to get Hermione's attention."

"She's being dominated by a book." Luna explained airily. "The answer is obvious."

"True, but that's why I brought the peanut butter and whip cream."

The cage rattled again and Harry gave it a little kick to get it to be quiet. It growled at him and the whole cage jumped up and down a couple of times. Harry conjured a prod and shoved it inside and shocked whatever was inside a couple of times. He stood there for a few seconds to make sure it would stay quiet, then banished the prod.

The silence from the Grangers was deafening. They were to busy sweat dropping to say anything. Harry put his 'tools' away and picked up the cage. "I guess we'll have to find Hermione first. She has a lot of good ideas."

"Oh?" Luna sounded skeptical.

"She doesn't realize she's giving me ideas, but she does."

Luna nodded and grinned. Six house elves stepped out from various hiding places around the room and quickly ran after Harry. The Grangers wondered why one of them was wearing a little sundress and combat boots with flames on them. Then and there they realized that their daughter's best friend was a nut case.

Out in the hall Harry stopped and considered their next destination. "This is Hermione's house, wouldn't she come here first?"

"No, I think that book that captured her is calling the shots."

"She knows better than to let a book do that. Look what happened to Ginny."

The blonde wearing a hood that disguised her features nodded. "True."

Then Harry snapped his fingers. The upstairs bathtub fell through the ceiling and crashed to the floor and imploded about five from where they were standing. Neither of them appeared to notice as all the house elves dove for cover. "Ron."

Luna straitened up and nodded. "Indubitably."

Harry grabbed her shoulder and apperated with his customary sonic boom and rattled all the windows in the house. It also freed the Grangers, who scrambled upstairs to find some clothes to put on. They happened to glance out the window to see a large humanoid squirrel lopping along past the house with two white coated men running after her with nets.

oooooooooo

Harry and Luna appeared inside the Burrow with another sonic boom. The whole house shook and a piece of the ceiling cracked off and hit Harry right in the head. Being this late at night, it woke everyone up and sent them running downstairs with wands drawn. Harry waved his wand as Mr. Weasley came downstairs and sent the man floating the ceiling.

"Harr...aghraaaaaaaaaaaa..."

Luna transfigured Mrs. Weasley into red ball with cuss word symbols all over it. As the noise finally came to an end they headed up the stairs. Harry took a second to turn him into a seal and drop him into the bathtub as they went by. With water of course. He scanned the hallway and noticed that Ginny's door was spelled shut from the outside. The other door, that led to Ron's room, had several spells as well. All from the inside.

Ignoring the spells, he opened the door without anything happening and stopped dead in his tracks. Harry had to blink a few times as Luna looked over his shoulder. The whole room was redecorated in dim lighting and candles. Ron was tied to the four corners of the bed and wearing a school girl's uniform. Hermione stood beside the bed in leather lingerie holding a whip and a feather, her hair swirling around her like a lion's mane.

"Mlhlllp!" Ron screamed through his gag.

Hermione gave his chest a lash. "Quiet Maggot! I'm busy Harry."

Harry nodded, he didn't want to interrupt anything after all. "Shall I wait for you back at the house?"

Mistress Hermione nodded. "I should…"

The red beam of a stunning curse hit her in the chest and the girl dropped to the floor. Luna lowered her wand and made a tsk'ing sound. "It's worse than I thought."

Harry pursed his lips.

"Leather just doesn't suit her at all. Maybe lace instead." Luna muttered.

Ron seemed to sigh in relief and relaxed on the bed. They pretended not to notice the little pup tent in the skirt he was wearing. He eyed Harry and started to blush.

Two of the elves following Harry grabbed Hermione and took her back to Harry's house. He moved about the room for several seconds, letting his green robe rustle. Stopping, he picked up a book off the floor and flipped through it until he came to a page Hermione had marked earlier. Grinning, Harry turned to Ron, and brought his wand up.

"This is too good to pass up."

'Oh crap.' Ron's scream didn't make it past the silenced door of his room or the parents who would have heard the sound of ultimate suffering. The house shook a second time and a wave of light filled the house and shot from every window and crack, obscuring the house for several seconds. When the light died down all was quiet, to quiet.

oooooooooo

Dumbledore watched quietly, petting Fawks, as Severus Snape downed his third bottle of Fire Whiskey. Something odd happened at the meeting with Voldemort, Albus was sure of that, but Severus didn't seem to want to share. All he'd gotten so far was that Voldemort wanted Harry captured at all costs and ordered Severus to do it. Or else there would be consequences most dire.

Of course Albus was feeling a bit shocked himself. Never, in the last century and a half, had he encountered anything like Harry Potter. Students didn't like to have their lives plotted out for them, he understood this, but sometimes he had to do it anyway. Harry Potter was no exception. Anyone with the power to take down Voldemort needed to be molded just so, or things could turn bad. Just like Tom Riddle.

He was sure that if Harry ever started using blood magic he would turn Dark instantly and the world would be doomed. He had to prevent that at all costs. Reaching out, he snagged the bottle of fire whiskey from Severus, poured himself a cup, and started nursing it to calm his own nerves. Snape lowered his wand and took the bottle back with a snarl.

"Headmaster, I'm notsh drunk enough yetit." Severus slurred, drinking right from the bottle. Would his whole life be plagued by Potters? Just one little Avada and the whole family would finally be out of his hair. Oh how he wished he could do it. Maybe after some more fire whiskey, yeah.

Dumbledore shrugged. He was beginning to think that being drunk might help him with the Potter situation. No matter how he looked at it almost all of his plans were falling apart. He figured that only a couple were still possible and even then those were iffy at best. Fawks sang a little and flew over to his perch to settle down for a few hours. He did his best to ignore the amused sounds the bird was making though. Blasted turkey didn't know when to quit.

"You donsh undersand Headmaster…" Snape slurred and grinned widely. "Ah, there we aresh. Now I'm drunk enough to forget thish night ever happened."

"What happened my boy?"

"The brat hish pulling off the imposshible. He got the Death Eater kids sometime this week. Even Bella has been affected. Heh ehahahehehe…The Dark Lordsh almost killed her tonighsh. Threw a Avada at her and missed by inches because he wash so pisshed off." Snape muttered, hugging his bottle. "My precious. You never letsh me doon."

"What did he do to the children?"

"It's was horr...horrigl…bad, disgushting…" Snape put his hands over his ears. "I'll never forget that offile soundish…" He shudders through a Draco Malfoy flashback and gives a couple of dry heaves. "It echoess in my brain! Get it ish out."

Sighing, Dumbledore pulled his wand and performed a quick Legilimency to see Severus' memory of the event. He pulled out several seconds later and shuddered. It took several seconds to control himself and try and think about the scene properly. He wasn't aware of any spell that could do that to Draco Malfoy, but Harry was proving to be a lot more cunning that expected.

He was a Gryffindor. The information just didn't add up properly.

Severus groaned, leaned over, and spewed all over the floor. More dry heaves followed as the man lurched to his feet. "I need sleep."

"I think that would be a good idea." Dumbledore said mildly.

As the spy staggered out of the office Dumbledore banished the mess on the floor and leaned back with a long suffering sigh. "Potter has to be brought to heel or everything will fall apart…"

DingDingDing! "It's the secret Word for the Day! He said Potter!" A high pitched voice screamed in Dumbledore's ear.

The old man jerked around in shock. Confetti fell from the ceiling, and a burst of light appeared just above his desk and a green robed elf stood there, posing. It giggled, and threw a whipped cream pie in Dumbledore's face.

SPLUT!

White cream splattered all over the bookcase and desk. Dumbledore nearly fell out of his chair. Fawks jumped into the air screeching loudly as the elf giggled again and vanished. His robes suddenly flared out and the office started to spin.

'Uh oh.' Was Dumbledore's last thought.

oooooooooo

Twelve hours.

It was such a simple thing to say, and yet, Minerva McGonagall was sure that the last few hours were the longest she ever experienced. She sat at Dumbledore's desk and really wondered what Albus was thinking, or smoking, when he decided to throw James and Lily's son into Azkaban and leave him there.

At the time, she just nodded her head with everyone else and let Albus have his way. He was a leader and her friend, so she was sure he thought the whole plan through. Two years later things were bad, then Harry escapes, and things take an even worse turn.

Mrowr!

McGonagall looked up at the ceiling of the office where Mrs. Norris was sitting on the ceiling defying gravity, hiding behind an arch. She didn't even gape at the sight before her. Potter's revenge was never ending. It just plowed forwarded with no end in sight. A badly shaved cat that couldn't get off the ceiling was just one of those things she was used to.

Mrowr! Mrowr!

"Shut up!" She snapped. The cat ran over to cower behind a ceiling joist. It peaked a head out and hissed at her.

With a sigh, she shuffled some of the paper work around on the desk for a few minutes, looking for something to occupy her time. Then the fireplace flared with green fire and Madam Pomfrey stepped out of the Flu dusting herself off. Minerva motioned her over to a chair. "Any idea what was wrong with him?"

Pomfrey nodded as she sat down. "It's a mixture of things, but it comes down to over work, and another of Potter's pranks."

"Overwork? He's always been as solid as a rock."

"Potter broke him."

Minerva huffed. "This is intolerable. The boy must be stopped or the whole wizarding world will fall into chaos!"

"It isn't now?" The old nurse sounded amused.

"What are you saying?"

"We both know what Albus planned to do with Harry after You Know Who was defeated."

"Sure, a nice long vacation."

Pomfrey coughed. "To put it mildly."

"I would have made sure boy got away before that happened."

"It's why Potter was sent to Azkaban in the first place. Defeating Voldemort was just another step in the plan."

"Albus never said anything about this."

"He's mumbling things in his sleep at St. Mungos right now, from all the potions, plans, names, and everything else."

Twelve hours ago Albus Dumbledore was admitted into St. Mungos after being found unconscious on the floor of his office. Even thinking it sent Minerva into shivers. "So, did they say when he would be better?"

"At least a month, possible half a year. Even dosed with potions he's still smiling that strange grin."

"Anything else?"

Madam Pomfrey rubbed her temples. "Well, before they started forcing potions down his throat, he was singing limericks and dancing naked in the halls."

She could only blink in shock.

"Its already being attributed to Potter as well. It seems at least ten other Ministry officers were cursed with the same thing. Supposedly the Minister himself was attacked earlier this morning. He started acting like a orangutan, hanging naked form his office, and flinging..." Madam Pomfrey giggled. "His own poop, at his secretary. She promptly quit."

There was a knock at the office door and Argus Filch stuck his head in. "I managed to get Hagrid off the ceiling Professor."

"Any problems?"

The caretaker's face scrunched up for a second. "Naw, just had some sixth hears fire some cutting hexes at him till that costume of his ripped and he fell to the floor."

"Was Hagrid hurt?"

"He's almost eight feet tall, barely had to move his legs to land on his feet." Argus grinned evilly. "O'course, the only thing he was wearing were these rather ratty looking boxers."

Minerva started to cough.

"Me, I'm at a loss as to why a couple o'the girls were eyeing him with a blush on they're cheeks."

She started coughing harder, but Madam Pomfrey just started laughing. "Oh I can think of a reason."

"Whatever, Hagrid managed to get back to his house unscathed."

"Good, good." Minerva said.

Argus nodded and shut the door as he left.

With a flick of her wrist, Minerva conjured up a glass of hot coco and long pull from the mug. She sighed as it soothed her nerves. "I'm beginning to understand why Albus had a breakdown now."

Pomfrey nodded. "Running this place is stressful."

The fire place flared with green fire and the head of Mad eye Moody formed. "Minerva!"

"Moody?"

"We got another problem, and with Albus down I'm not sure who to report to."

"What's going on?"

"Something weird is happening over at Azkaban."

"What do you know so far?" Minerva asked and drank some more of her coco.

"It's hard to make out details, but this green haze is beginning to cover the whole island. We only noticed it because all the birds and animals on the island were fleeing away from it a few hours ago."

"Potter again?"

"Most likely, we can't track his magical signature anymore so we have to guess. He's been pulling these large scale pranks every couple of months."

"Well alert the Ministry and have them look into it for now. With Albus out, there isn't much we can do."

"You got it." Moody growled and left the flu.

oooooooooo

"I want my Wiggly Chan!" Hermione yelled out and thrashed around on the bed. "Oh Ron, I'm COMING for YOU!"

Harry turned to the elves standing by the bed. "Why's she tied up?"

"She insisted, Master Harry." Scar growled.

Luna stood next to Harry with her good down to reveal her long blonde hair. "She seems to be enjoying herself."

"Yep, maybe a little too much." As Hermione was still wearing the leather lingerie outfit, it was a little hard for him to look away. He'd never seen his friend reveal this much skin before. Of course it was now going on three years since he left school, so things may have changed.

"I need my Ronny!" Hermione whined.

"I don't see the appeal." Harry admitted. He glanced over that the two cages by the door. A beak pecked through door of one cage.

"Sqwak!"

Luna pulled her hood up. "The elves know what to do. Let us fly from this hovel and set the next plan into motion, Master." She giggled.

"Keep Hermione from doing anything to dangerous, Scar, I'll have to brew up a potion to break the influence that book had on her."

"Yes sir."

Harry took Luna's hand and led her from the room. "Did you have any trouble casting that spell?"

She shook her head. "Not at all, at first it seemed to resist me, but then something changed and it almost wove itself."

"Excellent, the old magic can be a bit temperamental, but it works so much better than the stuff we use these days. I think it wants to be used. Would you like to come and watch the show?"

"Daddy wants me home soon."

Harry raised his eyebrow. "Didn't you graduate?"

Luna nodded slowly. "Of course, but I have some stuff to do in the morning so I have to be home."

"Ah, well, with any luck, Voldemort will respond to this attack and I finally put the dork behind me."

"Good luck! Remember, shish and flick, and say the 'f' instead of the 'h' or you'll end up with a Hippo on your chest!" Luna sang as she left the room and went home.

"Of course!" Harry said, and then pulled out a pencil to note that idea down. It could come in handy.

oooooooooo

Daily Prophet

Today in Potter watch, he spray painted his symbol on the Tower of London and sent the Muggles into a frothing mass of rage. They still haven't found where the laughing sound is coming from.

The Knight Bus can't seem to go where it wants and the driver is tired of ending up at every brothel in the city.

Fudge turned into a monkey and throwing around his own poo later this morning. His secretary beats him to within an inch of his life for ruining her hair. St. Mungos says he should have her shoe removed from his ass sometime tomorow.

Snow is falling on Azkaban Island according to a Ministry source. Why this is happening, no one knows, but something strange is happening there. The People want to know what.

Random attacks continue to go unreported as the Ministry fails to protect people from Potter.

Penguins have started to appear all over the country squawking in rage. Keep a boot handy.

oooooooooo

"Fred, George."

The two twins threw themselves at Harry's feet. "Master!"

Harry hands each of them a green robe. They handle them reverently as they quickly don them.

"What can we do for you Prank Lord?" George asks with a smirk.

Fred pulls a whoopee cushion from his new robe and arches an eyebrow.

"I have a job for you."

"Anything!"

"Here's what I want you do..."

oooooooooo

Voldemort looked around as he suddenly felt a chill run down his spine. "This is an ominous sign."

oooooooooo

To be Concluded...

Notes: One chapter to go and I'll be done. Hopefully it won't take quite as long. This one took quite a while to get just right, my timing was off on some of the jokes, but I think I managed to pull them off. My favorite was the Were-Squirrel. That one had me laughing as I wrote it.

The thing with the pie in the face is from an old tv show I saw a long time ago. Secret word of the day is from Marx Brothers. Fletcher finally got a little time, as did Remus, who will be in the next chapter as well.

Hermione tied to a bed wearing leather lingerie. Fan boys rejoice.

Luna's part didn't work out as well as I had hoped, but it got the story moving, so I'm happy. She'll have more to do in the next chapter. Now if there was only some way to pull off a four naked men dancing in the snow to celebrate their freedom from pants.

oO

Heh 


	13. Fudge Wonder

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRRELS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST. THE SQUIRRLES ARE REBELLING…RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES…

AGHAAAAAAAAA! IT'S SQUIRREL GIRL AND THE SQUIRREL SWARM OF DOOM! THEY MARCH FROM THE DARKNESS BURNING TAILS HELD HIGH! They SEARCH FOR YOUR NUTS! QUICK HIDE THEM!

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.

(This isn't spell checked yet – wanted to get it out ASAP)

oooooooooo  
Coven of the Rose  
Chapter 12  
By CRose  
© 2007  
oooooooooo

With a simple push of his finger, Harry opened the door to the hidden forest area. As usual, getting past all the wards was rather simple. He still marveled at how two dimensional most magic was. The more he read from the Book the more he was convinced that Magic was in a bit of a decline right now. A thousand years ago magic spells were being created on a daily basis. Families specialized in specific types, warding, combat, even sex magic.

Then came the four founders of Hogwarts and all that creationism went down the privy, they didn't have toilets back then. Tossed away as it was useless. He shook his head as he closed the gate behind him. The Book told him about this place and that it used to be one of the five great magical centers on the planet. Now it was an old forest that the Ministry was trying to pawn off to the Centaurs as useless land.

Typical morons.

He checked the notes again, didn't want another mistake like last time. All the trees around him felt as if they absorbed quite a bit of magic over the years. The pink one that had vines hanging off it was weird enough, but the thing had about a thousand eyeballs watching his every step. He ignored it as the thing blinked at him and opened a trunk like mouth to say something.

"Hey Mack, you got a fag? I need a hit."

Nope, he didn't see any thing like that.

"Hey, up yours pal!" Echoed after him.

The trail wound through the trees for about an hour. Every now and then he would lose the trail completely, but it would start up again after several yards. He figured the magic maintaining the place was absorbed by the trees. Those evil trees that wouldn't stop looking at him! Pink trees asking for fags just wasn't right in his book.

He glared at them and they looked away. Yep, he would have to come back here with an axe. No tree would get away with staring at him like that.

Eventually the trail came to and end and he found himself looking down into a small valley. A rather nice place, though he could feel the magic moving in the air around him. It was so thick that casting a spell might just be harder than usual. This much magic would turn a simple light spell into a flare so bright it could be seen on the moon.

After a few seconds of temptation he decided not to play with the muggle satellites watching the planet. Though throwing up a giant an image of Godzilla was so tempting.

The trail turned into a set of steps that wound down the hill until they vanished into the forest below. Sighing, he pulled his broom out and used it to fly to the forest below. He'd already walked enough for today and a thousand steps was just to much to ask. Within seconds he was flying down hill, the wind in his hair, a grin...

CRASH!

"Ow." Harry moaned as he slid down the invisible wall. Then he looked up and screamed, rolled into a ball, and prayed. His broom came down like a javelin and embedded itself into the dirt next to his head. He registered the 'towowingoing' sound the broom made.

"Um, yeah."

Crawling to his feet, took a second to dust himself off, and kicked wall. Grumbling, he put the broom away, walked back over to the steps, and descended down to the forest. Low and behold, the wall didn't stop him this time. He stomped the rest of the way down grinding his teeth.

"Hey Mack, you got a..."

"FIREBALL!" Harry screamed. He ignored the tree's screams as it burned.

This wasn't starting out as well as he thought it would. Just a few hours ago the Book told him about an item in the middle of the valley that would allow him to take down Voldemort.

He was skeptical, but two of his snakes told him that the book was right. Snake lore went back millennia. They knew of places that humans hadn't been to in so long that the ocean absorbed them long ago. Of course they didn't use human names for anything, looking for the large building with weird statues, green roof tiles, with trash out back wasn't exactly easy to find.

This made the information useless unless a snake could lead you there. "Psst, hey Mack."

Stopping, Harry glanced around and found a rather large snake hanging in front of his face. "What?" He hissed.

It winked at him and looked around, as if looking for the authorities, then glanced back, grinning. "Haven't seen you around these parts before."

"Never been here before."

"I got some special apples available if you're interested. They taste really good and can teach you a lot." It winked.

Harry's eyes went big. "Um."

"The worlds most perfect food." It started laughing and hissing at the same time. "Had some girls here a while back that really liked them. Follow me, I'll lead you there."

"Ah, I don't thi..."

"Everyone comes here for the apples. Their gold and juicy." It laugh/hissed again.

For some reason Harry thought this story was starting to sound familiar. "No thanks. I'm just going to head on ahead."

"To temple?" The snake asked.

"Yep."

"There isn't much left after all this time. It hasn't seen any upkeep over the centuries."

Harry shrugged. "I can feel a lot of magic radiation from something up ahead."

There wasn't a response and he noticed that the snake was moving away through the bushes. By this time Harry was used to how snakes would say only what was on their minds and nothing more, so he left and continued his trek through the trees. After several minutes the path opened up into an open glen full of rubble and stone.

Was that a giant fifteen foot phallus? Maybe he should have brought Hermione along after all.

oooooooooo

Fudge shuddered as he downed his seventh glass of fire whisky. He wasn't even paying attention the flames as they burst out of his nose and burned the bar top. As far as he could tell, the world was falling apart and it was all Harry Potter's fault. The Ministry could barely function. Over half the Aurors were missing in action or had quit over the last several weeks.

Farting fire, sneezing fits that eventually had everyone producing music and dancing, to the beat of the sneezes, everyday it was something new. Like him turning into a monkey. It just never seemed to end. Everyone knew that James Potter was a practical joker and now the man's son was doing it on a scale never before seen. The Weasley twins worshiped Potter like the second coming of a joke pulling Merlin. Or whoever came up with the first prank. He drank some more and used the burning bar top to heat his drink.

Sightings of Potter's prank mark hovered over every house on the continent, or just about. The purebloods were out for blood while house elves abandoned their masters and went to serve Potter. The dratted things could go anywhere, through any ward, shield, or obstacle set in their path. Then they would 'prank' the family hiding behind the things.

Pranks were common in the wizarding world. Potter was on a completely different level! In the last week dozens of frightened Aurors came home from work to find their families turned into penguins, platypuses, even those weird hairy things with the flat tails that gnawed on things. There were eighteen species of penguin and he'd been forced to learn each and every one of the blasted things on sight. If that wasn't bad enough, the things danced and squawked show tunes at all hours.

It was driving him insane!

Potter couldn't pick just one. No, he had to choose them all! The names tumbled through his head as Aurors rattled off the names of the affected family and what Potter turned them into. Adelie, African, Chinstrap, Emperor, Erect Crested, Fairy, Fjordland, Galapagos, Gentoo, Humboldt, King, Macaroni, Magellanic, Rockhopper, Royal, Snares Island and Yellow Eyed penguins! Evil disgusting creatures!

He wanted to scream. Then if that wasn't bad enough, things began to get worse with every passing minute. An image of Azkaban island floated through his head. His once dark and dangerous prison, the fear of every criminal in the world, the envy of all the other magical communities. He had to chug another glass of whisky just to complete the thought.

He shuddered in rage.

On a side note, just so you know when you drink to much fire whisky, it not only makes you very drunk, but it also starts to seep out the pores. Fudge didn't notice as his clothing burst into flame. Hard drinkers learned early on not to abuse fire whisky. It didn't burn the body, but clothing, stools, bars, and anything flammable had to watch out.

The people around Fudge started to scoot away as the man burst into flame and continued to mutter under his breath. Tossing away his glass, he grabbed the bottle and started chugging it down. He was to far gone to feel the effect on his throat, his stomach, or his poor abused liver which was considering quitting it's job. Than it said, what the hell, screamed, rolled over, and gave out completely. As the last of his clothing finally vanished, a very naked Fudge lurched to his feet.

"HARRY POTTER PREPARE TO DIE!!!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, arms raised high. "OOP."

Then in a graceful arc that only the drunk can accomplish, he fell backwards, slammed into a table, and crushed it into pieces as he hit the floor. The whole bar blinked, clapped at the great show, and a whole slew of reporters started taking pictures of a naked Minister Fudge. The man then grabbed some poor girl's leg and hugged it.

For some unknown reason, wink wink, a tiny little floating letter 'P' appeared over his body. It started sniggering.

The barman made a tisking noise as he pulled his wand out, pointed it at the fallen politician. A few seconds later Fudge flew through the air and crash into a half dozen trash cans out behind the bar. Overall, it was probably one of Fudge's better days. Well, he did prove he was a bigger man than what most people thought. Though you might have to think about that one for a second.

oO

Who would have thought? Now that picture turned up in a completely different publication.

oooooooooo

Charlie looked at the Dragon enclosure and blinked a few times. Someone had spray painted some graffiti on Norbert's side.

"What the heck?"

He peered a little closer. "Potter Advertising, good rates, anywhere anything."

His eye started to twitch.

oooooooooo

Harry slowly moved past the giant thing, he wanted to make sure he didn't touch it, who knew where it had been. Or used for who knows what. Once pas that he managed to find his way through the rubble. Most of the buildings had collapsed, but he could still make out their basic forms. Big, green tiles, and still intact trash cans in back. Now where had he seen that before?

Shrugging, he made his way to the center of the ruins. This was easy enough to find once he found the marble version of Stonehenge surrounding a large wading pool covered in moss. A very pretty scene, except that three foot long killer mosquito that was eying him like a mid morning snack.

He flicked his wand. "Explodria."

Bug guts rained down around the pool as he started looking around. He stepped over a sun bleached skeleton next to the pool. For some reason it was wearing a pair of rusty six guns, jeans, and a ratty cowboy hat. He cast a quick reveling spell and found the entrance several yards away. It was covered in hanging vines.

He had to stare at the cigarettes piled next to the entrance. Fags. Now he was started to get a little creeped out. A flick of his wand revealed a simple door. Fifteen hundred years ago this door led to a magical shopping district that anyone could enter. Supposedly the shops were gone, abandoned long ago, but several of the shops were still standing.

He would just have to go down, into an underground cavern. He nodded, it would be perfectly safe. After all, nothing would go down there, set up a home, and start using it for themselves. Now why was he thinking about Florida swamp land? He blinked a few times and shrugged.

The door opened with a simple tap of his wand. He could feel a very powerful ward activating. A part of his mind noticed that the ward absorbed a burst of his magic to help repower itself. Another part wondered why a Penthouse College Girls magazine was tossed on the floor a few feet in.

"I've read that one." He said as he stepped inside. The door closed before he was three steps inside.

A hallway made its way downward. Somewhere up ahead he could see some torches lighting up on their own. The hallway quickly opened up into an overhang looking over the cavern. Centaurs, goblins, and several other sentient beings all turned to look up at him. They stared.

He stared.

They blinked.

He blinked. "Hola!" Harry yelled. Spotting a series of stairs leading downward, he skipped down to the main floor. Silence still reigned.

There wasn't a human in sight. Harry ignored them as he started exploring the first booths. Overall, the first thing he noticed about the place was that it was basically another Diagon alley filled with non humans. "So cool."

Then the shock turned to anger as all the centaurs pulled their bows from their backs and knocked and arrow. One of the older ones sauntered forward. "Leave, filth or die." He snarled. "Your kind isn't wanted here."

Harry didn't even acknowledge his existence as he continued window shopping. Leaving the centaur standing there with his mouth open. Harry had other things to worry about, like finding a device that was supposed to be hidden here. Of course someone may have found it and sold it. As moved through the crowd he waved at a goblin absently. "Hello Griphook."

The small goblin gaped at him.

Lifting his wand, Harry cast a couple of detection spells and angled across the cavern to where a couple of really old booths stood. He passed by the vampire booth, and resisted the urge to toss a dog toy at the werewolf as it cringed away from him. It remembered the 'Letter'.

As he reached the last booth Harry found that the cavern wall continued on for several yards. His wand was pointing towards a portion of the wall that appeared to be a little unstable. He cocked his head to the side and squinted. Instead of looking at the wall he focused on the space just in front of the wall and quickly spotted a rather strong ward.

He smirked. It was an Old ward, not one of the rather iffy new ones used by everyone these days. He wondered what Bill Weasley would make of it if he was allowed to examine it. Stepping up to the wall, Harry pushed through with a little effort. He actually had to use a bit of magic to get to the other side. He didn't see the astonished looks he got as he walked through a portion of the cavern that none one knew about.

On the other side was a room full of half naked girls getting ready to throw tiny little pickles at him. Harry shook himself out of his daydream and examined what was actually a store room. He could feel a massive amount of magic coming off a number of the objects. According to the Book, he was looking for a small jade box.

Centuries ago Merlin himself sealed something in the box. The Book was deliberately vague to make sure that it didn't fall into the wrong hands. Only after someone found the box, and the item used, would the Book rewrite that portion of its history. The thing was slightly sentient after all. Didn't know that did ya?

Heh.

And of course, there would be three small jade boxes sitting around within easy reach. Grabbing the first one, he opened it, and pulled a pair of...brass knuckles, glowing brass knuckles. Yeah right. The second one had a scroll inside about making pickled cucumbers. The ancients were weird. He tried not to notice that rather crude drawing done at the bottom of the scroll showing a girl with very large boobs.

That meant it had to be the final box. Opening it revealed a simple note. "I.O.U. One Eldar Wand, A. Peverell."

Harry sighed. All he wanted to do was get rid of Voldemort and have a little fun. Why did wizards have to be such sticks in the mud? Why him? Why was there a large pile of fags filling the back corner of a hidden storage room? A root reached down from the ceiling, grabbed a fag, and rose up into the darkness above him.

"Oh, that's the stuff right there." Something groaned in pleasure. "Oh yeaaaaaaaaah."

He twitched.

"Don't need this anymore."

A jade box fell from the darkness above and landed on his head. Staggered, he nearly collapsed, but managed to regain his footing. This trip just wasn't working out. He looked down at the box and used his foot to tip it over onto its feet. The lid popped open with a little tap from his wand. He took a second to transfigure a nearby rock into a bag of ice to hold to his head.

He gazed down at the strange item in the box and grinned. "What the hell is this thing? Looks like a small white rubber doughnut."

oooooooooo

Trelawney sat up, stiffened, and gave off a fart that pushed her a foot into the air. Surprisingly enough, this was a prophesy. It was just a little hard to interpret. Her groaning in pain was also prophetic. It meant she would be heading to the bathroom to grab some of that 'special' cream that nice muggle gave her. Yes, all was right in Trelawney World.

oooooooooo

Harry glanced around as he headed deeper into the cave and found older and older shelves. A few minutes earlier he decided that keeping the brass knuckles would be a good idea. He kept the doughnut as well, but would have to take a closer look later. Right now he had more useless shelves to explore. Oh the excitement.

He could barely, yawn, control himself.

"Mogwi."

He glanced at the small furry thing in its cage giving him puppy dog eyes. "Ah…"

"Mogwai! Wi!"

"EVIL THING!"

After stomping the cage flat and blasting it with a couple of Reducto curses, and he wiped his shoe on the edge of a nearly shelf.

"Yuck, disgusting things."

Cute and furry always meant dangerous and deadly. Hagrid had taught him that. He stopped ranting under his breath and looked around. He could sense something subtle happening at the edge of his senses. He wasn't sure what it was, but he figured it might lead to another jade box. The ancients sure used a lot of jade for useless things.

"Oh look, a jade trash can, yay." He tossed in an old burger wrapper he found in his pocket, wondered how it got there, then shrugged and moved on.

Leaving the mess in the middle of the floor, he continued down the narrow walkway between the shelves. The further he moved the stronger whatever he was sensing grew. It was magical, he could tell that without much effort. It also appeared to be calling to him. Almost hidden between a couple of shelves was a thin door. It was to dark to make out clearly.

He could tell that it didn't have a handle of any kind. Giving it a little push didn't open the thing. Focusing his magic, he looked a little closer. Wards, all kinds of wards, layered the door like a blanket. At a guess he figured that there had be at least a hundred different spells on the door. A lot of them were rather nasty if he read them correctly.

The Penis Explosion Hex seemed to be giving him the evil eye as he read it. He would have to stay away from that one. He nodded to himself. Whatever was in there had to be worth a look if that one was put on there as an afterthought. Kind of scribbled into the margin between a Notice Me Not charm and a Electrocution Hex. The wards were anchored into the very stone around the door, above and below as well.

They were a little better designed than what he usually came across too. He would have to be careful here. Pulling out his wand, he gently touched the center of the wards, focused, and watched as they slowly changed. Once that was done he lifted the wards clear off the door, sat it to the side like a panel of glass, and opened the door with no problems.

No matter how old, most magic was two dimensional at best. Inside the room a couple of torches lit up. They were in front of a couple of mirrors. Light quickly filled the room. He was in what looked like a small office. A small desk sat against the wall off to the side. Two candles were standing right next to a small jade box.

"If this is another white rubber doughnut someone will pay." He stated to no one.

Just as he took a step towards the box, he heard something strange and turned around. A ghost, a rather familiar one, glided up to him. "Mr. Potter."

"Mr. Flamel." He said.

"I've moved on, but after six hundred and fifty years I didn't think I'd stick around as a ghost. Danmed if I can figure out what I need to do."

Harry nodded. "You became a Real Old Fart. You're gas and everything." He giggled.

"Oh very funny." He muttered.

"So, what's in the box?"

Flamel glanced at the desk. "I'm not to sure, but I know it's been here for a while."

Harry wandered over to the desk. "So why did you chose now to come to me? It's been over a year."

"It took me this long to learn to manifest."

He couldn't find any traps on the box or around it, so he carefully opened the box. Inside was a glowing ball of energy. It sat there slowly swirling in a rather mesmerizing way. Flamel floated over and nodded. "I figured you would be the one that could open that box."

"What is this?"

"Merlin's magical core." Flamel said after several seconds thought.

"How the hell do you know that?" Harry growled.

Flamel pointed at the lid to the box. "Says right there in old English."

Sure enough, a small grouping of swirling letters barely recognizable as English covered the lid. "That explains everything."

"Take your wand and touch the Core with it."

Harry nodded and gently touched the ball. He frowned as nothing happened, but when he went to pull his wand back it wouldn't budge. "Hey, give me that!"

Getting hit by a bolt of lightning from the sky hurt, but getting hit by one from chest level at point blank range hurt even more. The whole room rumbled with thunder and filled with light. By the time it went away Harry was covered in soot and sparks were dancing in his hair. As he fell over he barely noticed Flamel smirking in satisfaction as he faded away.

"Old…Fart…tricked me." Harry said.

oooooooooo

Meanwhile, a little pink haired girl growled, brought her hand back, and punched the death eater right between the legs. He screamed, fell over, and curled into a whimpering ball pain.

"Pervert!"

Then the kicking and stomping started. Draco really wondered how a muggle girl could have such accurate aim. The next generation of Malfoy's was in jeopardy. He tried to figure out why there was a line of ten year old girls waiting for the chance to hit him. Or why they were all playing with all manor of hand held weapons? A bat, club, and even a whip.

Was one of them smoking? He could really use a fag right then.

oooooooooo

Harry opened his eyes and blinked. Blinked again and realized something. He could save hundreds of galleons by switching to Gringotts Insurance. When they said an arm and a leg, they really meant it.

No, that wasn't it.

He wasn't in the little room anymore. He was back in the forest. Just outside the gate where he entered. He wasn't sure how he got there, but didn't feel like going back. A quick check confirmed that all his stuff was there. Even his wand was there.

For a second he wondered why, then shrugged. Who could figure out how goblins and centaurs thought? Staggering to his feet took several minutes. His whole body felt like it was made of lead. It barely responded to his commands. He glared at a nearby squirrel. It would have to pay for mooning him when he was feeling better.

It would pay.

After an hour of staggering he remembered that he had a broom. Making sure no on was around to see his lapse in judgment, he climbed on, and rose into the air. He was a little worried though. Instead of feeling better, he was feeling worse by the second. Even his vision was graying a little.

He would have to find a place to sleep for a little longer. If Madam Pompfrey heard about this, she would tell him 'I told you to stay in bed' again. He would have to avoid that.

Oh yeah!

He landed and stumbled off his broom. "Scar."

Pop! "Master?"

"You wouldn't mind giving me a hand home would you?"

"Of course Master." The scared up little elf said. A few seconds later Harry was standing in the entrance to his house. "Thanks.

Scar nodded and popped away. Since it was only early afternoon he made his way to the dinning room and sat down. He started reviewing what happened to him and filed everything away. He would have to visit that place again, but for now he would move on to other things.

He was getting tired of running around in the dark. Perhaps he should pay another visit to Fudge. He shook his head and decided against it. According to Scar the House Elves were spreading his plan across the wizarding world. For the first time ever they had the freedom to do what they wanted, under Harry's orders, and they loved it.

Now all he had to do was hope the Twins managed to get their part of the plan done. They were fascinated with his take on magical theory. By the time he had finished explaining his plan they were laughing evilly. There was nothing like The Prank to get people to realize you are serious.

"Hello Harry." Hermione said as she stepped into the room. She looked a little pale. Her hair was as bushy as normal.

"Hey."

"Um..."

"I told you those books were dangerous."

She blushed.

"You get everything out of your system?"

"I tried to...to...shag Ron!" She pounded her head on the table.

Harry just nodded. "And it was quite a site."

"I'm usually better than that."

"The Ultimate Book of Pleasure is intelligent."

"Still."

"Remember that books like that are in the Hogwarts Off Limits section. They aren't restricted, but chained to the shelves and guarded by powerful wards. There is a reason we aren't supposed to read those types."

"True."

"But you should wear that outfit more often." Harry added. "It was very becoming."

"Eeep! Wawawawawa..."

Harry sat several items out on the table and changed the subject. "I found these today. Any idea what they can be used for?" He sat out the brass knuckles, the white doughnut thing, the I.O.U., and the jade boxes.

"This was all you found?"

Harry shrugged. "Came across a glowing blue ball of light, but it electrocuted me."

"That's all?"

"So far."

"Well the knuckles are pretty straight forward." She said. "I can detect quite a bit of magic on them though."

"True, but I can't figure out the spells."

"This white thing seems to be a Skill Enhancer of some kind."

"Ah."

"What's and Eldar Wand?"

"No clue."

"I wonder what Dumbledore would say."

He glowered at her.

"It's just a thought."

"Bad form."

Hermione shrugged. A few seconds later the whole house rumbled as three people apperated into the house. The Twins, decked out in their robes strutted into the room giggling. Harry noted that they had adjusted the hood shadowing effect to give them eyes of fire. And W.W.W. across their backs with their flue address.

"You aren't supposed to advertise you're working for me."

"We didn't." They said.

"Oh?"

"What do you call that then?"

"Potter advertising, anywhere." They chorused and giggled. "We've been placing adds on practically everything for the last twenty four hours. The galleons are rolling in."

Harry nodded. "Fair enough."

Luna finally managed to enter the room and she swept forward to take a seat beside Hermione. She reached into her robe and pulled out a book. It was wrapped in a ribbon of some kind and struggling to free itself. "Here you go Harry."

He grinned as he took the book. "Where did you find it?"

"The Library."

"With a capital 'L'?"

She nodded. "On a book shelf advertising Fudge Biscuits."

The Twins started giggling.

"Fudge hired you?"

"Nope, along with the real ones, we have thousands of things like that spreading across the city. They just appear for a few hours, along with a way to order something, and then vanish after four hours."

"Ah, cool."

"What's the book Harry?" Hermione asked. Her eyes were gleaming.

"I've been thinking that it's time to put an end to Voldemort once and for all."

"I thought you weren't worrying about him."

"Oh he's always on my mind."

"So what do you have planned?" Luna asked.

Harry held up the book. "One thousand and one ways to prank your enemies, or friends, their pets. Wizarding culture has to find a better way to come up with names for books."

They all nodded.

"Now..."

A few minutes later someone started cackling. Hermione had to shoo Scar from the room a few minutes after that. House Elf laughter was right annoying. Half an hour after that all the elves were laughing.

oooooooooo

In a burst of green fire, Fudge's head appeared in Dumbledore's fire place. "Old man."

"Minister?" Albus acknowledged.

"It's the middle of summer and it's snowing over the Ministry."

Albus was beyond being worried. "So?"

"It's been snowing since midnight and the nearby shops are refusing to open. Except that burger joint that just opened up, there isn't a sign of snow around the place."

"Get the curse breakers to take care of it Minister."

"I tried, they're baffled. One of them set off something and half the team ran home to visit their wives or girlfriends."

"And you're sure Harry is behind this?"

"Prank Lord Potter's symbol is hanging over the whole plaza outside the building."

"I still don't see the problem."

"It's the penguins."

"Are you still having them show up?"

"About twenty wizards or witches a day. There are close to three thousand of the things roaming around here or over in Diagon Alley." Fudge shuddered. "My secretary is blasted penguin and it still can't take memos or answer the blasted flue!"

Albus chuckled. "I think..."

"I don't give a crap what you think! I want this business over with! Potter is bringing down the whole government."

"I think that is the idea Minister."

"I'll have him Kissed for this!" The man snarled.

"I've washed my hands of the whole situation. Bring your problem before the Wizingmont and we can come up with a solution, but right now Harry has the upper hand."

"How?!" Fudge screamed.

"You're the one that refused to hire more Aurors, cut funding for the DMLE, and all sorts of other cuts and bribes to turn the Ministry into what its become Cornelius."

The man started to sputter.

"I can't even begin to explain what Harry is doing these days. His action are baffling and impossible to understand. I think he may have lost his mind while in Azkaban." Dumbledore nodded.

"You helped to place him there Albus!" Fudge yelled. "It was your plan!"

"But you interfered by informing Voldemort about the plan."

"I did no such thing, He is Dead!"

Albus arched and eyebrow. "You've seen him with your own eyes."

"I did no such thing."

"Then you went and told Lucius all about our plan. He in turn told Voldemort."

"Lucius has the Ministry's best interests at heart." Fudge said, a glint in his eye as he talked about his friend. "Now back to the problem at hand! Get over here and help stop this snow!"

"I'm not sure..."

"Some of the snow just formed into snow men. Now there's a giant snow ball fight going out side against the penguins, who are building slides and sking. Ooof!"

It took a second for Dumbledore to figure out what was happening. Fudge was being pelted by large snow balls, through his office window. There were spells on the window to prevent anything from entering too. Within seconds there was a small green groaning snow drift poking out of the fire place, then the fire flashed back to normal and it vanished.

Albus pulled some fire whiskey out of a cabinet and took a long pull. "Ah, that's the stuff."

An owl flew into the delivery room at the back of the office and dropped a letter. An elf picked it up, scanned it for sneaky spells, and brought it over to the desk. "Your mail sir."

"Thank you." He said and waved the elf off. His eyes widened a little at the little laughing letter 'p' in the corner. He cast several revealing spells, but they all came back negative. Little beads of sweat popped up on his forehead as he opened the letter.

The paper inside was of fine velum and only had three words written in bright red ink.

"IT HAS BEGUN."

Then the Sorting Hat turned into a cloth penguin plushy, grinned, and farted.

Dumbledore stared at it for several seconds and wondered if releasing himself from St. Mungos had been a good idea.

oooooooooo

Voldemort wasn't in a very evil mood. He didn't have many followers let after Potter tracked them all down and turned them over to the Ministry. Sure he managed get several of them back, but they weren't the same dedicated followers they used to be.

Bellatrix was a bitch, literally, fur, running around on all fours, trying to hump his leg. He'd Crucioed her, but it actually seemed to make her more excited. Lucius was there as always, but he seemed a bit twitchy these days, but he would rather be tortured than admit that something odd happened to him. For some reason the man was starting to actually like the Crucio curse as well.

His inner circle of leaders was gone. All that was left was some low level idiots that couldn't even remember which end of a wand was the dangerous bit. He shifted on his throne. Everyone of his plans of late seemed to involve Potter. No matter what he did, the boy managed to escape or cause problems. It was bad enough that the boy's elves had started mugging anyone in death eater garb.

Mugging them. Taking all their money, possessions, and even clothing, and leaving them bound and gagged in the middle of the Ministry holding area. The cherry sauce couldn't be explained either. The more he thought about it he angrier he got, but then that would just fizzle out.

He would not accept defeat, beaten by a boy that hadn't even taken his NEWTS yet. That just wasn't going to happen. Snape was around, but lately all he wore were skirts and with weird coloring. The man didn't seem to be aware of it either.

That left the children. He glanced at the pile of bodies in the far corner. The boys weren't in the best of shape at the moment. Draco was still trying to hump everything in sight. The others seemed to be covered in slime that would spread to whoever they touched. Lucius was rather angry at Pansy for touching his ankle.

"Lucius."

The man hurried over and knelt. "Master."

"Prepare the men, we need to go out and have a little fun."

"And Potter?"

It was a risky question, but Lucius wanted to know. "We're hitting the Library."

"Eh?" The blonde blinked in surprise.

"The Library."

"Um, yes sir."

"Get everyone ready. I want to find out once and for all how Potter has been pulling these attacks. He's moving through our wards and homes as if they were simple muggle houses."

"Yes sir."

"And take Snape with you." He snapped.

Snape was staring at the ceiling, wearing his red and back uniform, with a weird glint in his eye. Lucius shuddered. He could take being attacked, mocked, even tortured, but Potter's attacks took on aspects that turned good men into a poof. He felt pity for his old friend. Even worse, there didn't seem to be an end in sight.

oooooooooo

To Be Continued...

Notes: Well $#& I had hoped to get this finished with this chapter, but I seem to have lost all will to write lately. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to get much done. I've been going days just sitting in front of the computer staring at the screen and not writing a word.

Feh.

Been a while since I was this bad and I'm not sure how to pull myself out of this funk. Ah well, I'll get something done even if it does take me a long time. Story wise, you'll notice I touched on a couple of ideas from Deathly Hollows. I used information from the HP Lexicon and Wiki to double check the information so I'm pretty sure it's correct.


	14. Chapter 14

DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY; IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRRELS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY COMBUST. THE SQUIRRLES ARE REBELLING…RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES…

AGHAAAAAAAAA! IT'S SQUIRREL GIRL AND THE SQUIRREL SWARM OF DOOM! SHE'S GOT A BAZOOKA FILLED WITH RABID HAMSTERS!

This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.

oooooooooo

Coven of the Rose

Chapter 13 – The Legendary Fall

By CRose

© 2009

oooooooooo

Percy glanced into the Minister's office and blinked. Madam Bones was sitting at the desk looking through the Minister's paperwork. "Ah?"

"Come in Weasley." She snapped.

"Where is Minister Fudge?"

"St. Mungos."

"Why is he there?"

She adjusted her monocle and glared for a second. "Well, it seems he had a bit of an episode the other day."

"An episode?"

"He was sexually molested by about four hundred garden gnomes outside a bar." She sighed. "We aren't telling the press about it."

Percy sweatdropped. Surprisingly he hadn't been targeted by Prank Lord Potter since the Reign of Terror started. On the other hand, he was aware that Fudge was targeted several times already. "Then we need to arrest Potter!" He snapped.

Bones gave him a look, her eye monocle glowing slightly. Maybe the rumors of Percy being an idiot were true after all. Then again, Fudge never did hire someone that might be competent, they would be a threat to his position. "I'm in charge right now Percy. Would you care to rephrase that?"

He backed up a step. "Um..."

"Now, arresting Potter seems to be the last thing we can do. He's been doing all this because of how the Minister and Dumbledore treated him after all. You even had a hand in that little fiasco if I recall right."

"He's a child." Percy said, mimicking what the people around him always said.

"He's much more than that." Bones reiterated. "Now get out."

"Ah..."

"Now, or else." She glared at him again and started reaching for a nearby can of whipped cream and an orange.

He slowly backed out of the office and shut the door as quietly as he could. Bones sighed as he left and glanced down at a foe glass sitting on the desk. It still showed a green dot heading her way. This was one of those times when her position in the Ministry wasn't a good thing.

Her hand shook as she returned to work, slowly picked up the next memo in the tray and started to read, which was rather odd for a memo. 'AAAGHAAAAAAAAAA! They're everywhere, everywhere I tell you, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'MMMMMMMMMGOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNAAAAAAA DIE!' Something pink and gooey was dripping off it as well. Other than that, it didn't seem to have anything to do with the Ministry.

She shuddered and tried to think of how anyone could work by micromanaging so many things at once. No wonder Minister Fudge was having so many problems. After several seconds of thought, she started cutting Fudge's strings and letting the other departments do their jobs. It would take a couple of weeks for things to settle down, but the Ministry would start working without everything passing through this office.

She read a couple more memos and could only shake her head at the sheer stupidity of the things. Fudge was so far behind that she was reading about things that happened months ago. "Prank Lord Potter turns a West End Bridge into a giant kumquat." She noticed Percy's name on the bottom of the memo and a suggestion that the muggles wouldn't even notice. They were muggles after all.

The Centaur Office was working about as badly as normal. Perhaps she should send Percy there. She shook her head, the boy wasn't worth the time, but she might be able to find a way to use him eventually. The next memo detailed something about Vampire Penguins ravaging north London's red light district. Muggle Animal Control was chasing the things all over the city with butterfly nets.

The one after that described a hoard of bunny girls invading magical Amsterdam to dance and do what bunny's do. Surprisingly there wasn't one complaint about the bunny girls, though another stack held several requests for more. Problem was, no one could figure out where the girls came from or where they got to the next morning. No one was missing and tests showed that they were not transfigured animals.

Hmm, another memo from Fudge requesting a couple of the girls to be sent to his house. She shuddered, crumpled it up, and tossed it in the fireplace. It joined several others that were burning quite well.

Potter had his hands in everything lately and there didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it at all. Just random thoughts that he gave form with a negligent flick of his wand. Just like the report about dogs and cats dueling each other in alleys across the city. The Squirrels were making sure the fights were fair though by jumping on the more rowdy of the fighters. The cats were winning two out of every three fights. It was those claws apparently.

She shook her head. Every memo was just something stranger than the last. Someone painted dirty pictures all over the Tower of London, but the Muggles weren't complaining about it. They thought it was a jolly good show. She sighed, no wonder Fudge was in mental ward laying on his stomach with his butt in the air. Maybe she should see about springing him to let him take care of this insanity once more? Naw, he was out of a job and she intended to make sure things got back to normal. That meant she would have restructure things.

Now if she could find some kind of pattern mixed in with all the chaos, they might be able to predict where Potter would strike next. The one thing she found funny was a set of rules put into place a few centuries ago that would make convicting Potter rather hard. She wondered if he was even aware of it. She snipped a few more of the strings attached to the Minster's office and felt much better.

Behind her an elf, just about to prank her with Fudge's next bit of punishment, noticed that it wasn't Fudge or anyone else on the main list. Scratching his head, the elf pulled out a small scroll and scanned it for several seconds before nodding. It reached into its robe, pulled out a small ball of light and tossed it at Madam Bones. It then nodded and vanished silently. Her hair suddenly turned into little snakes hissing a mariachi song. She barely twitched and flicked a couple away from her eyes. They couldn't quite get the octaves correct anyway.

The next memo read about Sybil Trelawney streaking through Diagon Alley, all tha she had, apparently swaying in the breeze since she couldn't run very fast. Now Play Wizard wanted to talk to her for some reason. She blinked, blinked again, and tossed the memo into the fireplace and just shook her head. If she was going to succeed where Fudge failed she would have to find a way to stop Harry Potter. Who knew that some moron had decided that playing pranks on the government wasn't actually against the law?

She had several ideas on the subject but wasn't sure if any of them would be effective. There was also the possibility that he would turn things up a notch if they failed and he got away. Moody would have been her first choice, but the retired Auror had actually trained Potter for Dumbledore's original plan to take down the Dark Lord.

Voting against that plan had saved her from the lion's share of Potter's wrath, but he could still make things bad for them if she wasn't careful. Her snakes were starting to do pop songs now. Potter was playing with music lately. A reggae band made up to half a dozen ghost had taken up down in the recreation room too.

She glanced at the door to the office as she heard more screaming in the distance. Frowning, she stood up, smoothed her robe a little and peaked out the door.

"Wark!!" A vampire penguin gave her a lecherous grin and showed off his teeth. Its little cape was flapping away menacingly as it sized her up, beady little eyes narrowed. Her snakes hissed back and rose up on their own, ready to strike. They hissed something at the penguin that made it narrow its eyes. Suddenly one of the snakes was fondling her monocle.

"Oh dear."

oooooooooo

Whole families hid inside their homes, afraid to even leave them anymore. Just the mere sight of a green robe and people fled in terror. Dumbledore was at a loss and didn't have a clue what to do anymore. He used to have his hand in everything that happened in or around the Ministry, but then he came up with the plan to send Harry to Azkaban.

At the time, it seemed like such a good way to take care two different problems at once. Fudge did exactly as he was supposed to do, tell Lucius that Harry was in the prison, but then the whole plan backfired. The Dark Lord didn't attack the prison, Harry didn't take the Dark Lord down in a hail of magic, nor did anything else happen.

Instead, with Harry out of the way Voldemort forwarded his plans and went on a killing spree that hadn't been seen since his first rise. Fudge ignored it all and just sat back and kept taking galleons from everyone that came along. Getting him to think of the people was impossible after he was neck deep in money.

Then things changed, Harry escaped from Azkaban. Without any help from anyone the boy goes and becomes unpredictable. Revenge he could have dealt with easily, but what Harry did was so baffling that Dumbledore couldn't even understand it. He was sure that Harry was given some kind of help, but no one appeared to take credit, even quietly.

-You love me, I love you!-

Prank Lord Potter decided to take his revenge by pranking all of wizarding Britain, every town, witch, animal, and even quite a few muggles. There were hundreds of pranks a day, a dozen per hour, all of it set in motion by Harry and hundreds of house elves. Dumbledore shuddered. The boy pulled off impossible actions just by waving his hand. And he couldn't figure out how Harry was doing it. Everyone was completely baffled by his actions even as they hid under their beds.

-Everyone is special in their own way! Come on, sing along!-

Impossible pranks hit the school several times a week now. He could list them by the hundreds and still be shocked. If his hair wasn't already white, it would turn that color over night. Now the latest in a long line of pranks was taking place. Harry reworked the wards for the whole school, turning them into some kind of giant projection that could wander around on its own like a magical construct.

It was pure evil!

-Won't you say you love me too!-

Three hours of Barney the Purple Dinosaur and he was seriously considering firing an Avada Kedavra at the thing. He ground his teeth as the 'I love you' song started up for the fortieth time. Four blasted lines, sung in an annoying voice, repeated over and over. Potter was going to rue the day he thought up this little stunt.

Even worse, Fawkes was humming the song! Dumbledore's eye twinkle was taking on a rather manic look as the minutes passed. Silencing spells didn't work, yelling at it was useless, and the only way to get it to stop would be to collapse the wards around the school. He was seriously considering it at this point. Who knew muggles could create something to drive themselves insane? No wonder no one understood them anymore.

He caught a glimpse of the giant dancing dinosaur with its cane and top hat dancing by his window, Potter's 'P' set right in the middle of the hat laughing away. Students were leaning out windows firing spells at the thing as it danced around the building, on the walls, and even over the forest.

Several arrows were sticking out of its backside courtesy of the Centaurs. Screams of agony filled the air whenever it passed over a group of people. Even the spiders were trying to take the monstrosity down, but they were just dragged along for several yards before they gave up.

That didn't stop the thing from dancing though. He winced as he heard Severus scream and start banging his head on a nearby wall. Albus was tempted to join him. After all this he could easily admit that he should never have sent Harry to Azkaban and left him there. It was so clear now, why hadn't he seen it before.

A flamethrower!

Then a miracle happened, the music stopped and for several seconds he could think in a straight line again. Sanity could return the school. He stood to give thanks to the gods that Potter's attack was finally over. Only to pale in shock seconds later.

-AND NOW BOYS AND GIRLS, BRITANY SPEARS AS SUNG BY ME! OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN! BWHAHAHAHAHAH!-

Mass screaming ensued.

Harry would have just shook his head and commented on how two-dimensional thinking dominated the magical world. Then grin like Gomez Addams as he made another million dollars on the stock market.

oooooooooo

Cornelius Oswald Fudge didn't have anything to say at the moment. His bare backside was stuck in the air, covered in welts and scratches. Being selfish was normal for him so he never considered anything his fault. He was the Minister and his word was Law. Normally all he had to do was toss around some gold and he could do anything he wanted.

Then Dumbledore came up with his great plan to sacrifice the boy and take out the Dark Lord. It was perfect and he could ride the wave of victory all the way into another five years as the greatest Minister ever. But no, the boy had to throw a tantrum to get more attention. He couldn't just wait for the Dark Lord to show up just as they planned.

The little shit stain had to escape and cause problems. Fudge shuddered as he thought of the chaos that was getting worse by the day. Staying in the hospital was looking better and better. Though that woman down the hall that kept screaming about freaks was getting on his last nerve, he might have to order someone to gag her.

"Freeeaaaakkkkkssss!!!!!"

He sighed, maybe he could get that nice nurse to give him another massage with that ointment. Grinning, he lost himself in his own base pleasures. "Oohh yeah." He groaned happily.

"Freeeaaaakkkkkssss! I'll make you all pay for doing this to us!"

"Dad, shut up!" Dudley yelled. "The nurse is coming back."

"Oh, alright then." Vernon grumbled. At least she was cute and he wasn't throwing his shit around anymore. Off in the corner, his wife was curled into ball of sobbing uselessness. He might have to make sure she knew her place later on.

oooooooooo

Harry closed the last page of the Book of Knowledge and shook his head. He'd finally managed to read the entire history of the Wizarding world, the good, the bad, and even the downright weird. Over the millennia, history so warped by pride and stupidity that hardly any of it was true anymore. Merlin was indeed real, but his actions were blown so far out of proportion that the man wouldn't even recognize his own history if he saw it.

He suddenly recalled being hit by that blue thing in the box. Whatever that thing was, it had belonged to Merlin according to the Book. After recovering from its attack he hadn't felt any different than before. So he wasn't to sure what the thing was.

Nicolas seemed quite pleased when it attacked him though. That old fart was on his list now. Oh yes, that one was going to pay for tricking him. Trying to look evil just made him look constipated though.

He shook his head and was sane for a few moments, but didn't let that slow him down any. The book fell into the hands of one worthy soul once every five hundred years so that there was someone around who knew the truth of things. Now that he had read the thing, all its knowledge was locked inside his head and ready for use.

One of the biggest surprises was that magic was sentient. An energy source that came into existence during the creation of the universe. Harry was magic's little pet wizard. Pat him on the head, there's a good boy, who wants a treat, yes you do. Pant Pant Pant. Can you sit up and beg?

He shook himself and glanced around the library once more. After more than a year he managed to read every book in the room and Hermione was just about finished as well. Her little spell under the thrall under that book had loosened her up quite a bit at least. She was wearing shorter skirts and showing of more skin that she usually did. Now all he had to do was find his green sharpie and wait till she went to sleep.

Yeeeesssss!

He shook his head and let the thoughts drain from his mind. Soon he would have to put all his learning and freedom on the line to go and spank a pair of old men for screwing with his life. His Penguin spell was working great, but he would have to make some changes soon. Having converted almost half the population into a random penguin species and given random orders to follow. The penguins were all converging on the Ministry as well for one final giant prank that was just waiting to be set off.

Though with Fudge out of office, it wouldn't be quite the same. Bones wasn't really his enemy so he he'd only pranked her once and moved on. Though the elves said she was a bit twitchy since he was ignoring her. Maybe he should hit Susan with something just to calm her down? Maybe an underwear vanishing trick to free all 'girls' from their confinement? Hermione could give him some ideas if she wanted to.

Oh yessss!

Soon the chaos would begin inside the Ministry itself and give him several hours to hit Voldie. The twit needed to be slapped around a little.

Hmm...

His 'Revenge of Barney' at Hogwarts was proceeding as planned. Snape was going insane and would soon fall. Dumbledore was losing it. Hagrid was safe from further pranks since all he did was not help talk Dumbledore out of the Azkaban plan. The rest of the teachers were just there, they could do what they wanted. Fudge was out of it finally and if he stayed that way, he would be safe.

A House elf in a green robe appeared with a burst of light. "Harry?"

"Scar?"

"The four houses of Hogwarts have now been redecorated."

"Excellent, any problems?"

"None, the remaining elves in the castle were happy to help and the clean up will bring them all a lot of happiness."

"They're going to be humping the Headmaster's leg in joy." Harry stated.

"That too." Scar gave an evil grin.

Harry just laughed. "And Snape?"

"His closet now only has dresses and skirts."

"Excellent, everything is moving smoothly."

"The Twins said they were able to set those spells as well."

"Good, they had the best chance to get in there. Now we just wait till Voldie pulls his head out of his ass."

Scar nodded, recognized that he was dismissed and vanished the same way he appeared. Wandering over to the window, Harry looked out over the trees to the water beyond and watched the dolphins playing. He was tempted to go out and play with them again, but decided against it. A giant iguana was romping around in the woods uprooting the occasional tree and gave new meaning to the saying 'Does at giant iguana do certain things in the woods, that smell?'

oooooooooo

Mrs. Weasley held the slightly shattered remains of a toilet seat in her hands. Her eye was twitching a little as she read the tag.

'It blowed up real good.

Thanks for the idea, Mrs. W.

Pranks, Harry.'

It was still smoking too. Little did she know that the elves were starting to eye the Headmaster's leg with a glint in their eyes.

oooooooooo

With the Dursley's away, getting rid of them was rather easy, Harry was able to get into their house again without being hassled by the morons that sometimes hung out there for his 'safety'. He quickly scanned the whole place from top to bottom for anything magic and located several items. However, he knew what most of them were. He relocated his mother's trunk from the basement, two more trunks in the attic he didn't know about, and finished setting up a bunch of pranks to greet his relatives when they got home.

They were due home in a week and he wanted them to know he missed them. After shrinking all the trunks and putting them in his pocket, he made his way out of the house with a swirl of his green robe. He put the hood up as he walked down the driveway and vanished in mid step.

He reappeared and promptly forgot about the Dursley family as he found himself standing at the top of a hill over looking a small valley. It wasn't very pretty either. He could feel the dark magic permeating the whole place. Even over a mile away he could tell that the place was just wrong.

His senses were attuned to ancient magic and how it felt. The wards around this place were ancient. At least a millennium and a half old, maybe more. Voldemort was down there in a hidden castle. Harry watched the place for almost half an hour wondering if a death eater would confront him for being there. He smirked, the Dark Turd was nearly out of followers so it was unlikely.

He recalled an explanation of from the Book. There could not be Light magic without Dark magic to give it balance. This was a secret that the wizarding world forgot about over the centuries. Voldemort didn't know, Dumbledore had no clue, and if the Ministry knew about it, they weren't talking. Everything had an opposite to balance it.

While an interesting fact, Harry was sure that none of them would realize what his final prank would entail. As far as he could tell good and evil tended to ebb and wane as the years came and went according to the Book. Right now, after almost fifteen years of relative peace, darkness was rising once more and fate chose him to balance it once more.

Oh joy.

Harry accepted the idea, but he was going to do it his way. He'd given up on the idea of being normal long ago. He shook his head that was enough angst for this year. Time to have some fun. According to the Book, when Slytherin fled Hogwarts, he came to this small dark valley to make his plans for revenge.

He glanced up at what had to be a pair of panties hanging from a branch high in a tree. Apparently Slytherin did more than just plot revenge. Even after all this time the magic was still keeping the panties fresh and clean. He really didn't want to know how they got up there either. Ah, or who was wearing them at the time. Too much information, blasted Book!

Eh hem, the basic layout was about what Harry expected, but even with his enhanced abilities, it was hard to find the exact location. The whole area was on top of a Ley line so the magic was constantly recharged, just like at Hogwarts. He squatted down and let his magic out just a little bit, layering it over his eyes.

Even two thousand years later, the old magic put the current stuff to shame. Some enterprising Minister got the idea of making the wizarding world dependent on Wands so it would be easier to control the people and it worked perfectly. Voldemort was one of the few wizards that didn't become useless without his wand, or he would've been taken down instantly. Harry smirked a bit. Even with the man's knowledge he didn't bother to tell his own people about it, giving him power over them.

A decent idea, but it tended to make most magic users rather useless and unreliable. Giggling, he reached out and appeared to grab some of the fog running along the ground. Pulling out his wand, he cast several spells into the fog itself. Using the fog to hide wards was a genius idea. He figured Tom was the one to come up with the idea too.

All that talent and he wasted it killing people. Such a waste of talent, but then again, he was pranking just about everyone with his magical knowledge. It was ten minutes later that he finally heard someone heading his way. Standing he cast a quick spell and slowly faded from sight. Disillusioned, he made sure he was comfortable as two death eaters walked over to where he had been just a few seconds before.

"Look around, he has to be here somewhere."

Harry shook his head a little and thought. 'Ooh look we have a wand, we are great and powerful, nothing can stand in our way.' He pointed his wand at them and they still didn't notice his movement or anything wrong. Sheesh! A bolt of red energy flew and both of them collapsed to the ground, stunned. 'Oooh, that was hard.'

A quick detection spell told him that the nearest death eater was almost a hundred yards away. Of course he had whittled ol'Tom's forces down to next to nothing over the last few months. So he did have a little advantage, but this was almost too easy. On the other hand, he was just that good.

Sparkly Grin.

He knelt down and took off their masks to reveal Draco Malfoy and a gorilla, er, Gregory Goyle. Now where was Goyle's constant companion? He thought for a few minutes before remembering that Crabbe, Craple, something or the other was caught in that death eater sweep a few weeks back before the Pudding incident.

It only took him a second to find their Portkeys and toss them into a nearby bush. Now normally he might have altered their destination and sent them on since they were useless, but that just wouldn't do. Draco wasn't useless at all, just a complete moron, so something would have to be done to the poor boy.

Harry giggled as the light glinted off his glasses under his hood. "Now what shall I do with the two of you? Maybe Hermione wants a couple of sex slaves? Maybe you can join Umbridge as a Weresquirrel, or the Great Penguin Army needs some more draftees. Decisions, decisions, what shall I do to you?"

He pointed his wand at Draco's head and cast Legilimency. It was one of the more useful spells he'd put into use months ago after he found the original notes on the subject listed in the Book of Knowledge and combined it with some Muggle knowledge as well. Draco groaned as Harry dove into his mind and started tossing things around.

The boy actually had some mental shields, but they shattered after only a few seconds. The poor boy's mind was a complete mess. Memories were just laying around for anyone to wander over and look at. He spied Draco's recent activities and felt a bit dirty. Who knew Snape was into that kind of thing? The soap alone had to cost a fortune.

Harry made a note to never shake Snape's hand again. He knew where it had been now. Eeew. Maybe those dresses were the right idea for the man after all. He would also have to stay away from a certain rug, or burn it. Harry was tempted to leave a few suggestions behind as he riffled through the boy's brain.

Naw, he grinned again, and glanced at Gregory. He waved his hand at them and they vanished in a burst of light. He was gonna have to get a few items together to finish this off once and for all. Draco was dealt with and everyone else was off balance and didn't have a clue what he was doing. Luna and Hermione were working well together as well.

So long as they stayed away from certain books that is. He lifted his wand let a massive well of magic form inside him. Using this much magic wasn't a good idea on such short notice, but he needed to delay The Twit for a few more days. He figured this little trick would keep him occupied until the trap was set up and ready to close.

"PATRONUM FLUCTUS!"

Giggling, Harry's wand let out a massive amount of silver magic that slammed into the Fog Wards with the force of a bomb. The whole valley lit up under the effects of the magic. Harry kept the spell going for almost a full minute before he started to hear screaming off in the distance. He let the spell go and slumped, beads of sweat forming on his forehead.

He was sure that this spell hadn't been cast in over a thousand years. It was the precursor to the current Expecto Pratronum spell and designed to clean out large areas of dark magic, cleansing them. If the screaming was any indication, he had just gotten a Dementor or two. Within a few days the dark magic filling the valley would be cleansed completely.

Time was up, he could sense them heading his way now. They weren't in very good shape though so he reached into his cloak and pulled out a handful of small glowing balls and tossed them on the ground around him. His wand transformed into the staff and he held it high. With a massive explosion he vanished from the small valley.

Squirrels fell from dozens of trees, stood up, shook themselves, and raced into the fog. Their twittering filled the night as more and more of them raced towards the valley. A giant Letter 'P' hovered high in the sky as startled cries filled the night. Minutes later something started on fire and things really started going to hell.

"Tree Rats! They're everywhere!"

oooooooooo

Mirrium P. Kettlegum was in her early thirties, short, a little plump, and wore robes like a proper pure blood witch. Even then she could only stare in horror at the three thousand penguins standing in the courtyard in front of the Ministry. They were everywhere, on the ground, lining the walls, even in the trees. The scary part was that they weren't moving, just standing and watching.

Over the last several weeks she had been thankful that Prank Lord Potter had ignored her and her family, but she just knew that the wait was over. He had come for her at last. Several penguins squawked and turned to look at her, as if sensing her thoughts. There was demented look in their red glowing eyes.

She took several steps back in shock and wondered what horror was going to happen to her. Stories about Rita's near constant torture made the rumor rounds every day. The woman was going insane, but everyone knew the kind of person she was. She ticked off Potter all on her own and was now reaping the rewards.

"But, I didn't do anything to Potter."

"Squwak!"

In one huge mass of movement, the penguins waddled forward in perfect rocking step. She turned to run, but they were faster than they looked as they swarmed up the steps. Her eyes went wide just before they ran he down. Random penguins would open their mouths and with a loud scream, fire a beam of red magic at anyone nearby.

She went down hard, her plump body rolling under the mass of feet and flippers. The door to the Ministry exploded under multiple beams of magic from the animals. Their little beaks wide open, red eyes glowing as they swarmed into the building.

Her screams were lost in the chaos that was to follow. High above the building Potter's symbol started to laugh. Groaning, she pushed herself up on her hands and knees and looked around. The penguins weren't in the courtyard anymore, only a few of those were left and they were chasing people around. Mirrium could only watch as one of the younger female interns ran out of the building just as she was hit in the back with a beam of red magic.

Her robe and outer clothes vanished in a matter of seconds, leaving a topless girl running around in her panties and screaming at the top of her lungs. The girl's hair went from blonde to glowing green as another beam of magic hit her. The penguins all squawked louder as the screams increased.

Mirrium looked down at herself and was glad she always wore boring shorts and a bra under her robes. A nearby penguin looked disappointed. Ten more girls ran from the ministry in various stages of undress, slips, bras, and panties all visible and eye catching. Their screams were almost loud enough to shatter nearby windows.

Penguin laughter filled the building. Then Mirrium froze as a man wearing a green robe appeared on the steps and walked towards her with grace and style. Prank Lord Potter had come. She started whimpering as he came to a stop in front of her. She couldn't see his face, but everyone knew Potter.

He reached out, took her left arm and turned it around to get a look at her forearm. She just held her breath as he nodded to himself and let her go. "You better get out of here, only death eaters will stay in the building today." He giggled as she turned and made a run for it.

"She could use to lose a few pounds as well." Shrugging, he made his way towards the door just as another group of nearly naked girls raced out of the building with half a dozen penguins in pursuit. Just past the door was a naked man. He was stuck to the wall, covered in some kind of goop.

On display was his left forearm with the Dark Mark. The man saw Potter and nearly fainted. Harry grinned, his teeth glinting as he stepped closer to the man. "Why don't you hang out here for a while? I know an Undersecretary that would swear you don't exist."

The man fainted with a girly scream. Harry poked him with his wand a few times and shrugged. "And Tom thinks these morons will rule the Wizarding World? They can't even protect themselves."

Poke. Poke.

Turning, Harry left him there. He figured the Aurors would find the moron eventually and maybe even remember how to do their jobs. He wouldn't place any bets on it though. They did let a Giant Chicken run the whole division at one point. He started humming 'Living with a Hernia' as he moved deeper into the building.

His penguin army was having a ball. Every room he came across was ransacked, shattered, and one giant mess. Every now and then he would come across a naked man or woman plastered to the wall, their arm locked in place and a Dark Mark for all to see. They all stared at him in horror as he looked them over and gave their mark a little poke and burst of magic.

Then just walked away with a little wave. They would find it a little hard to move around in an hour or so. He had already taken care of the really dangerous death eaters, most of these were just peons with big mouths. The only ones that got away were the pretty girls in their underwear. One would run by every few minutes, screaming prettily. He didn't want to get bored after all.

The Department of Mysteries. It was one of the areas he hadn't messed with yet. Their security was better than what most places had set up. Goblin security was even better and he was sure that they had a hand in setting up the wards around the DoM. He was a little impressed actually.

Someone, quite possibly a Wizard, got off their backside and did their job. Even the Ministry didn't bother to go to that much work. The wards were rather easy for him to see as well. He walked over to a door, tapped it with his wand, and watched them ripple.

An idea formed just as he pushed the ward with the tip of his wand. It slowly started to cave in and he sent a burst of magic into the ward. It shivered and collapsed, taking several other wards with it. He nodded and felt a bit better, for a second there he thought they might have gotten a clue.

Smirking, he opened the door, stepped into the DoM, and glanced around. Three times he opened this door and every time it took him someplace new. This room was as large as the Veil room, but it only held a pedestal. The room was almost completely dark, except for a beam of light coming from the ceiling to illuminate the pedestal.

It was calling to him. He wandered over to the pedestal and found that it held a simple piece of parchment. The spells laying the parchment were almost impossible to count, but there had to be hundreds of spells on the thing. He tapped it with his wand to see what would happen.

Several of the spells activated. Letters started to form on the parchment. -Hello Harry-

"Wicked."

-Indeed-

"Who or what are you?"

-Me and my friend Nicolas Flamel, oh and his wife, were the ones that set you free from Azkaban-

Harry didn't say anything for several seconds. He knew there was more to his escape from prison that he thought, just not who or why. "I had wondered about that."

-Do you know why?-

"No."

-We are well aware of the Prophesy and didn't think that Dumbledore was handling the situation properly. So we took steps to make sure you could prepare to confront Riddle-

"Interesting." Harry muttered.

-You are now ready to confront Riddle and we wanted to wish you luck and answer any questions you might have-

Harry tapped the parchment a few times. "Why hasn't the Magical World stepped up to take the jerk down themselves? It's not like I want the job."

-As you know we were losing the battle up until you took him down as a baby. Aurors and Unspeakables were dying on a daily basis. After Riddle fell there was no on left with the training to take over so the dregs were left over to continue. Even Mad Eye was only half trained at the end of the first war and it took him another decade to catch up. The Ministry has left things in limbo for decades now-

"I see, what about all of you?"

-We're all old men with nothing left to give except support, we aren't able to be on the front lines anymore-

Harry frowned as he nodded and turned around. A part of him just knew they were lying to him. When would old men realize that lying to get what they wanted wouldn't ever work? Shaking his head, he considered cursing them. He knew a way to get them through the scroll.

Deciding against it, he turned away from the paper and didn't worry about it anymore. It didn't really matter what the reasons were. They had given him a second chance and no one could have predicted he would take his revenge in pranking everyone. He let out a little giggle as he pulled his hood back up, they hadn't seen anything yet.

He stalked out of the room even as the parchment was continuing to write words. As the door shut behind him he found himself in the Veil room again. It didn't take long for him to start hearing the whispers again. This time though he knew what was going on and ignored the sound. The veil was more than the Ministry thought it was, the Book gave detailed information on the thing when asked.

Expanding his wand into the staff form, he aimed it at the top of the Veil and concentrated. His beam of magic fired out and hit the cloth that covered the actual veil. The whispering stopped instantly as ancient automatic spells activated.

The room seemed to shudder as the body of his Godfather was ejected from the veil. Harry's eyes were teary as he knelt by the body. There was no way anything living could touch the veil and live, but at least he could say goodbye to the last father figure he would ever have.

Crying, he tapped the body with his staff and it vanished in a burst of light. He would have to arrange for it to be buried properly. It was only as he stood up that he noticed that several men in Unspeakable robes were standing on the upper walkway staring at him. Turning to look at them, he made sure they weren't going to attack him.

With his godfather's body retrieved he made a show of pulling his green hood up to cover his face before striding out of the room. In his wake several giggling House Elves took a few seconds to redecorate the whole room as if it was Madam Puddinfoot's little hideaway. The elves added in their own little touches of course, like a couple of Unspeakables tied to chairs.

Harry didn't pay it any mind. He had other things on his mind now that his main goal was accomplished. The scroll and its information was still settling in his mind and reminding him that he did need to take care of The Dark Phallus of Whickenshire Way, or whatever he was calling himself these days.

Dumbledore and Ministry would be out of commission for several days at least before they could function again. His little attack on What's-His-Name should have hurt the death eaters quite a bit, as well as reduced the squirrel population a bit.

He couldn't remember what his plan was originally, it had been quite sometime since he developed the idea, just last month, or was it the month before that? Now he was drawing a complete blank. Shrugging, he figured he'd just wing it that always worked. He was lucky after all and the Chosen One, or something like that.

Reaching down he adjusted Little Harry as several naked girl ran by screaming. A gaggle of elves swarmed around him as they chased the girls, giggling and throwing mini pranks. The girls started changing colors or being hexed with jelly legs. It sure did interesting things to the a naked girl's body. Harry leaned against the wall, all cool like, and watched the show.

He would have to add this to his scrapbook, T and A as far as the eye could see, as soon as he started one. The Penguin transformation was starting to wear off as well now that it served its purpose. That made for more naked girls running around. Some were cute, older, and then there were the others.

Giving a dry heave, he tried not to think about the overweight naked men and women running around. Staggering under an imagined earthquake, Harry made his way over to the exit and tried not to heave his breakfast. The elves put a lot of effort into that.

Once outside the several hundred witnesses that gathered to watch the show turned as one to look at Harry in his bright green robe. They blinked, as one, and Harry waved at them. Then he grabbed some of his robe and ran for it! He vanished with his signature boom as soon as he was around the corner of the building.

oooooooooo

The light was brighter, the leaves on the trees greener, the chirping of birds filled the air for all to hear. If one listened close they could hear a rather interesting version of 'It's a small world after all' in the back ground, raccoons dancing a little jig as it wore some boots. All in all, it was a scene right out of the candy-induced fantasies of a three year old.

Voldemort was stuck right in the middle of it, screaming, as he developed cavities from all the sweet goodness surrounding him. He crawled along, shuddering in horror as the most evil place he had ever found was reduced to a mockery of what once was. His robes were giving off smoke as the evil he exuded through his pours was slowly cleansed by the most insidious spell he he'd ever encountered.

Potter had done this, of that he was positive. His followers were useless, the few left untouched by Potter's earlier attacks were now, he shuddered, no longer evil. They were dressing in bright robes, patting each other on the back, and smiling at everything. It was a nightmare of unimaginable proportions.

The purging of darkness, of evil, from everything within reach of the spell was pure genius and he had no idea how the little bastard pulled it off. Ever since the boy's escape from prison he'd been doing the impossible. The walls of his latest hideout were disintegrating before his eyes. His men were turning gay and happy instead of being bloodthirsty killers.

Their eyes gleamed with an unholy light. Voldemort continued to crawl through what was left of the house and fighting off the dry heaves. If those birds didn't shut up he was going to use Fiend Fire on them that was for damn sure. There was only so much It's a Small World After All an evil overload could take before he snapped.

He'd take the forest with them as well. Peace and love and happiness made him want to puke all over the place. Sneering, his clothing still smoking, he staggered to his feet and noticed that even his skin was looking less snake like and more human. He stood there for nearly a minute staring at the forming human skin on his hand. What in the hell had Potter unleashed on him? He had to get passed the ward line, the one thing that didn't seem to be vanishing before his eyes.

For some reason they were still intact and untouched. Gritting his teeth, he broke into a staggering run. It would take him a few minutes to reach the ward boundary though. The smoke wafting from his body was becoming more pronounced, turning grey instead of the dark color that it started out as.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHAAA!" He screamed just as he made it past the wards.

His eyes went wide when he didn't vanish with a pop. Instead he flickered, lost his balance, and fell to his knees. He didn't understand what was going on and it was getting hard to think straight. Then in came to him, magical exhaustion, that was the only thing that would cause this. Fighting Potter's spell was taking everything he had to resist.

With narrowed eyes, his body shifted and a mangy looking squirrel appeared in his place. He twitched and wondered what happened to his Anaconda form. He was so shocked that the squirrel form's mind was able to get control before he recovered. It jumped its feet and ran into the forest around looking for a way to escape.

"PPPPPPPOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!" He screamed within the confines of his own hijacked mind as the cleansing spell washed over the mangy squirrel. The new form had no defenses and wasn't a dark creature. Voldemort quickly found himself gnawing on an acorn high up in the branches of a tree.

It was a rather nice day to be a squirrel. Just another day for Prank Lord Potter.

oooooooooo

Even after the chaos within the Ministry of Magic the pranks kept coming in a never-ending steam. Amelia Bones stood at her window watching as a dozen rather large Plushies of various people managed to find and sit on anyone that got within twenty feet of the building.

They staggered around until they got within range of a target then ran over to them, slapped them on the back, and sat on them. The large laughing letter 'P' hanging over the building was getting annoying too. Not only had Potter captured over a dozen more death eaters, but he made it so that they couldn't do anything with them.

It was bad enough that anyone between the ages of 17 and 30 that entered the building would suddenly find themselves without their clothing and a tiny little tattoo on their bum of Potter's symbol. It was pure chaos and even worse, her people were saying that Potter still in the area. He hadn't left. Instead he was planting things, giving people weird looks, and giggling.

She hadn't even been able to contact Dumbledore for his advice. Instead some singing thing answered and gave her a wet willy out of nowhere. Her hair was a mess. Aurors were glued to the walls while everyone hid under their desks and tried to keep out of the way.

"Help."

Glancing at the door, she blinked a few times as Percy Weasley floated by. He was puffed up like a balloon with 'Potter Ads' sticking to his back side as a couple of house elves in little dresses and pig tail wigs skipped along under him holding little strings connected to Percy.

"Mrs. Bones?" Percy whimpered.

They giggled as they vanished from sight. Mrs. Bones found Fudge's stash of Fire Whiskey and took a drink. Setting the half empty bottle down on the desk she let it burn down her throat with a sigh. She put the boy out of her mind for now. No one had actually died yet after all.

Bones was also receiving reports about what Potter did while he was in the building. Apparently he shattered a series of wards that were thought to be impassable. From there he entered several rooms and played around with several dangerous objects as his house elves redecorated things as usual. The Pink couches and orange curtains had to go, along with the fifty-two pairs of panties flying from top of the building like flags.

The Auror division had put up their own flag as well, a large pair of white boxers. Bones didn't blame them, they couldn't figure out what Potter was doing and this latest failure on their part was just too much. They wanted to get back to things that they understood.

Voldemort frightened them, but Prank Lord Potter brought them to their knees without killing anyone in the process. Madam Bones sighed as she leaned back in her chair and stared at the ceiling. Lightning flashed outside her window, someone screamed, and thunder rolled over the building.

Madam Bones wondered what the world would do if Potter ever got pissed off at them? And what would tomorrow bring?

oooooooooo

Squirrels, they were small, cute, furry, and smelled weird. As the rain came slowly started to come down, Harry stalked towards the middle of the field just outside his home. He wasn't worried about he rain and his staff would absorb any lightning that fell from the sky.

He had several things on his mind as he walked, but the biggest of these was that the end of his revenge on the wizarding world was coming to an end. He'd played every joke he could think of, even a few cruel ones, and he was running out of ideas. So the time had come to end his little Prank War and move on with things.

He pulled a little mirror from his cloak and watched as the last of his pranks ran their course. Death eaters hidden in cells beneath the Ministry suddenly found themselves changing into piles of smelly brown substances of various hues and shades. The smell sent Auror's running for fresh air.

Elves armed with super soaker water guns were firing special potions at random people in the streets and swarming across the wizarding world like a plague. Screaming and crying followed in their wake and all of it was high lighted by thunder and lightning.

Krack Boom! Thunder rolled across the hills.

In the mirror, hundreds of miles away, Barney was still singing his songs and doing a little dance. Snape was firing Avada Kedevras from the castle mount in a hail of green fire, but having no effect. No one would blame him for snapping, he was wearing a dress, stockings, and panties at the time. He was already insane. Barney just burst into flame and did a rendition of St. Elmo's Fire with a little Elvis Hip wiggle that made several second years squeal uncontrollably as they jumped up and down.

Lightning flashed across the sky and Harry's final prank went into effect. Making his way up to a small hill in the middle of the field, he planted this staff at the top like a flagpole and made sure it wouldn't fall over, even in the wind.

Glancing at the trees he felt one of his wards trip and knew that The Dark Brown Log was on his way. Harry had felt the jerk break his spell a few hours before and the Dark Turd was mad as hell. That was just how Harry wanted the jerk. Every thing was set, potions were in position, and his elves had their orders. His eyes lit up with an inner fire as dark shapes swarmed out of the forest several hundred yards away.

Snakes, trolls, dementors, and hundreds of other dark beasts raced towards Harry in a frothing mass of evil. Oooooh scary. Stalking along behind them was Voldemort. Harry noted that Tom hadn't been able to break his enchantment completely. He was now a humanoid squirrel thing. Harry shook his head as he suddenly felt déjà vu.

He couldn't quite put his finger on the reason, but it would come to him, eventually. Instead he waited till they reached the halfway point, if Fred and George set thing up right, it would begin any second now. Bursts of light started exploding out of the ground as the monsters and animals raced over certain traps.

Transformations traps were easy enough to make, but for the magical world to do something easily was to give them too much credit. Everything had to be an elaborate plan, blow this up, stop that man, two dimensional thinking at its core. Harry had other ideas. He wanted people to leave him alone or he would hurt them, simple. His own two dimensional thinking, but it was his insane version.

Trolls fell by the hundreds, snakes vanished burst of light as their shadows twisted and writhed on the ground in shock. Demontors were weaving around in circles, confounded and sensing each other as food. They were soon attacking each other, which was a little too hentai for Harry's tastes. He had quite enough of that with Hermione's book.

That was why he gave it to the Demontors after all. He cackled as the army of evil was vanishing in bursts of light and writhing shadows. The rain continued to fall, but Harry ignored it, enjoying the show. His grin gave him a slightly manic look, but he didn't mind. There was only one target out there that was any danger to him and he was so outclassed.

Harry's staff flashed and a massive dome of energy rose into the sky and quickly formed a shield over five hundred feet in diameter. Harry noted that the next time he put up the shield that it would slice trees in half like butter. He winced a little and pretended that nothing had happened to those poor giants ducked down behind the trees.

Being sliced in half had to sting a little. He could always use them for potions ingredients later. Harry held his hand out and snapped his fingers and the second wave of his plan was set in motions. Voldemort was still too far away for them to talk, but Harry didn't mind, the man smelled kinda funny anyway. On a nearby hill Hermione and Luna watched the fight.

Even though they had helped to set it up, they were still a little skeptical that such a plan would work. On the other hand Harry's Prank War had done far more than they expected too, so they weren't that worried. Nearby Fred and George were using a water balloon launcher to toss things onto the battlefield. They were laughing so hard that they could barely aim the thing.

Trolls were starting to find out what You-no-Poo really meant when hit with some right in the head. It took five minutes to reduce Voldemort's 'army' to nothing

but a writhing mass of limbs, cloaks, and fur. His red eyes were wide and round as Harry stared down at him.

"Tommy, I figured you might come by today."

"This is impossible." Voldemort gasped. "My army..."

"Really Tommy, you should have expected it. I've been kicking ass since I escaped from Azkaban. Dumbledore hasn't been able to lay a hand on me, the Ministry surrendered to me this morning, and the rest of the sheep just do what they always do, pray nothing else happens." Harry started cackling insanely. "I've won!"

"I won't let you win, never." Voldemort screamed.

Shaking his head, Harry giggled. "I've done what you couldn't, I've taken over the Wizarding world. They'll do anything I tell them, I'm King, Hail to the King Baby"! I need a hamburger." His eyes gleamed as he snapped is fingers and a House Elf brought Harry his burger.

"NOOOoooooooooooo!"

"Looking a little squirrelly there Dark Logginess."

Voldemort had his wand up and a burst of deadly green light was sailing towards Harry. Instead of ducking, Harry held his hand up and he was suddenly holding a small basket. He threw it into the path of the curse in the blink of an eye. Harry expected a bit of fire and an explosion.

Which he got, causing dust and air the set his and Voldemort's clothing flapping wildly. He also got, much to his surprise, five wisps of smoke soaring out of the flames cussing and cursing up a storm as they dissipated. Harry's eyes gleamed as he gave the Dark Buttercup a freaky grin.

"And with that, no more Horcruxes, Mr. Underpants!"

oooooooooo

Over on the hill, Herminone looked at Luna. "Didn't Harry take care of those a while back."

Luna shrugged. "Heck if I can remember."

"Oh well, I guess it works out for us either way." She blinked a few times and a little twitch.

"Popcorn?"

"Sure."

"Needs some salt."

oooooooooo

Back with Harry, his grin got a little wider as a water balloon hit Voldemort from the side in a massive burst of liquid that blasted the Dark Crescent Wrench off is feet. Voldemort was starting to wonder if the universe was conspiring against his greatness. He was the destined ruler of the world after all. And why wasn't Potter firing spells at him?

This was a final battle, they had to fight. He pushed himself to his feet just as a custard pie hit him right in the face. And then it began, the torrent of the final prank. The rain was transfiguring into various items as they fell. Then there were the birds high in the sky flying in a 'V' formation, hundreds strong.

Phoenixes, hundreds of them.

His red eyes went wide again as he realized what the birds were going to do just as they dived at him. "No!"

Harry dove off the hill and ran for it as the birds dropped from the sky like a avenging god of fire. Then it was raining blobs of phoenix poo from the sky. Voldemort tried to shield, but the gooey mass ignored the shield completely, sending him to the ground. The sight and sounds of the attack made Harry laugh harder than ever.

"Hey, Dark Moron, your wand has a phoenix feather core, why would it work on a phoenix?!" Harry slowly stood and walked over the mess that was Voldemort and gave the man's foot a kick, the body twitched. "Just so you know, Phoenix Poo is just as pure and good as they are."

A bubble of goo rose up around Voldemort's mouth and popped. The white mess that had been a Dark Lord was helpless now. "All those enchantments you had, all those dark rituals, wiped away in a rain of bird poo and regular rain. Who would have thought it was that simple."

"I'll kill you for this, Potter." Voldemort wheezed, there was a blueberry taste in his mouth. He hated blueberries.

"This rain isn't coming down hard enough to clean you off that quickly and you see I never intended to kill you. I just wanted you to go the fuck away. So I came up with this completely random plan, last night, while I was in the bathroom squeezing off a log. The best ideas always come to a man when he's in the can." Harry nodded sagely.

"Kill you, skin you alive, and eat your heart while its still beating." Voldemort wheezed. He hated blueberries.

"So you see, I had this thought, if phoenix tears were so powerful, what about the stuff that came out of the other end a whole lot more and in larger quantities." He grinned as one by one hundreds of house elves in little green cloaks started to appear around the battle field, planting little spheres of light here and there.

"So dead..."

"I looked up the idea and it turns out Phoenix tears cure any wound, but the poo, purifies dark magic. They are such a useful creature, and don't get me started on the pee, oh that stuff is pure gold in certain lands, that I can't name off the top of my head."

He pulled a familiar book of perversion out of his cloak. He heard Herminone squeak in the distance as she recognized her precious. "You Wizards don't know how to think. The ancients advanced magic on a daily basis, but not today's magic users, they use their wands to squirt water and wipe their asses. Magic is so useful."

Voldemort started to glow as his dark soul tried to rip itself from his body, a magical construct of dark magic, the man screamed in pain. "No! Not this, not this way, I'll do anything, I don't want to die!"

"Why Tommy, one would think you had a choice here."

The Dark Lord's body started to writhe and twitch, but a few seconds later a ball of dark red energy pulled itself from the body and rose a few inches in the air. Harry just opened the book in his hands to a certain page and held it towards the ball. The book glowed and sucked the thing inside it, the pages ruffled in the wind, as if letting out a contented burp.

Then it let out a real one!

Harry nearly dropped the thing, but he was to busy staring at the body at his feet as it changed. It shifted around until it turned back into a severed hand and a few pieces of bone. That was the end of Voldemort as far as Harry was concerned.

Now stuck in his new home, Harry would have to find the perfect place for a perverted book to spend its life. A library shelf just wouldn't work. It would have to be someplace where Voldemort could watch the world. Harry grabbed his staff and started to move off the hill, but stopped as he realized that thousands of little white eyes were watching him.

Even at a distance he could see squirrels of all shapes and sizes. They just stood there, staring at him, as if judging him. Harry was tempted to pose and mock them, but resisted the urge. Those phoenixes were still in the sky and they might be watching him too.

"Um..."

A gigantic squirrel, nearly four feet high made its way out of the mass of fur and eyes. Its matted grey fur suggested that it was very old and Harry could sense the wisdom and intelligence from the thing. It kept sniffing the air as it moved forward until it was just a few paces from Harry, who didn't know what to do.

Its rain-matted coat was just wet enough make it gleam in the sunlight. Then it surged forward, bit Harry's ankle, and ran off with all the other squirrels chasing after it, chitterling madly. By the time Harry fell to the ground cursing, the squirrel army was gone in a cloud of dust.

Minutes later Harry was back on his feet limping off the field. There was no sign of any of the army as he limped towards his friends. He had an idea and went with it just before he reached Fred and George, and tossed the book over his shoulder with a little burst of magic. It vanished in mid air with a tiny little pop.

"So what are you going to do now Harry?" Luna asked, tilting her head to the side.

"I'm..."

They leaned forward.

"...going to bathroom." He pressed his legs together. I haven't had a chance to go since yesterday." He complained. "I've got to tinkle."

ooooooooo

As for Voldemort, recently purified in such a unique way, and then absorbed into a book of perverted darkness. Well there was only one place for him. Hidden on a shelf in one of the well-used broom closets around Hogwarts. It was the best place for him to see all the action, and comment.

"Oh yeah, work that bottom!"

"I've kissed girls better than that!"

"You suck! Arch your back!"

As his words were silent, only printed in the book, no one had a clue they were being observed. Which was just as well, since the book was now called Riddle of the Pervert.

"Look at those Tatas!"

"Bounce baby Bounce!"

"Are your shorts getting damp? Hah! And Hah again!"

And he lived happily ever after, the biggest pervert in the world.

oooooooooo

Tree Rats – Squirrels who smell funny.

Ending Notes: Well this is the end of Coven of the Rose. I'm not planning on doing a sequel so don't worry about that. When I started this it was to get a number of ideas out of my head and it kind of expanded from there. It got a bit bogged down there for a little while around chapter ten, but things worked out and I managed to pound out a couple more chapters before I lost interest all together. Of course that left the final chapter hanging for way to long, peaks, oh nearly a year and a half or so.

Yikes.

I blame, as so many others do, the seventh book where the innocence and fun of Harry Potter got lost in the final arc of the book. I can complain, I can think of many ways to do so, but in the end, I figured there were some fanfics out there that were far better than the last couple of books. And I won't name names, you know who you are, mystery author that haven't updated in over three years after twenty nine chapters and one small update telling everyone that the story was finished.

I'm watching you. _

Questions, rants, or possibly panties, just email me at:

CRose


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